Let’s have a competition. Who can be the most embarrassed today? Go on, let’s. Cos I bet I’d WIN. I like winning anyway so best let me win, but I know I’d win if we had a competition cos something very embarrassing happened to me today.

Tell you about it? Oh, all right then.

It’s hot again. To keep cool in this weather I am wearing a long, floaty skirt and vest top. We go to playgroup. Afterwards, we go to see my mum. On the way back from my mum’s, it’s the middle of the day, and therefore farking HOT. Moo is wearing her sunhat, which she vehemently disagrees with. She tosses it out of the buggy. I go round to replace it. Bend down, get back up, move back, start to walk.

My long, floaty skirt is tucked around the back wheel of the buggy.

As I push, my skirt, which has an elasticated waist, is pulled down.

I show my arse to the line of cars waiting at the traffic lights. My arse has also, at that crucial moment in time, decided to eat my knickers. So I am LITERALLY showing my arse. To traffic. Someone honks their horn. The bastards.

I’m wrestling with my skirt. I manage to pull it back up. An old man limps past, but not before saying ‘Steady on darling, I’ve got a heart condition, you know’. Bastard.

Luckily, I was wearing good knickers, despite them being wedged within the depths of my crack. And also, I have an extraordinary arse. So I inadvertently cheered up a load of people stuck at the traffic lights waiting for a broken-down car to be moved. Still. Embarrassing. EMBARRASSING. So I win. I WIN.

Unless you have a better story about wardrobe malfunctions?