You know when people go, ‘Oh I’m so RANDOM’ and ‘Isn’t it random?’ etc and you just want to punch them in the face? This is not one of those times. We never, ever punch KateTakes5 in the face. We heart her, and do her Listography bidding. This week, the theme is Top 5 random things I like, and we were WARNED by Kate to not just write ‘I like chocolate’. Or she would punch us in the face.
So with that threat of violence ringing in my ears, here is my Top 5:
The stringy white stringy stuff on satsumas/clementines etc
Before you cry ‘DEMON’ and retch into your sleeves, may I remind you that the stringy white stringy stuff (its actual name) is all part of the orange and really quite tasty? Yes, yes, I know I am the only person you’ll ever meet that will admit to liking the stringy white stringy stuff on satsumas/clementines etc, but it’s not that bad. People who peel it all off are the weirdos. Not me.
The Go Compare ads on TV
They do different ones! With different scenarios! It’s like they tell a little story each time! I liked the space one with aliens, and the 17th century style one with the lady singer. Not too keen on the caveman one, the singing mammoth is just a bit too far-fetched, if you ask me.
The smell of creosote
It reminds me of playing in my nan’s garden when I was little. Hot summer days, warm wooden fences, larking about in the tall grass and throwing apples at my cousins. Good times.
Air raid sirens
Yeah, we don’t hear them every day, do we? But there’s something about that noise that gets my adrenalin pumping. It’s thrilling and fecking terrifying at the same time. And I do a great impression of one when drunk.
I’ve never even been, but I love this place, mostly due to the film In Bruges (starring Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson and Ralph Fiennes) which contains lots of swearing and violence and is VERY FUNNY and also made me cry a bit. And proved to me that Colin Farrell can actually act. And makes Belgium look awesome. In a really mundane, bland kind of way…
That’s yer lot! Move along now! Go see the other reprobates that joined in on Kate’s lovely blog!
I’ve seen a couple of these Top Five Keyword Searches floating around the blogosphere today, and they made me laugh, and I know Kate always puts on a good Listography party so, as I’m in a GOOD MOOD, I’m going to join in! Yay!
The keyword searches that come up on my blog weekly are always quite hilarious. I think just by casting your eyes down this top five, you’ll get the measure of me. Ahem.
Jizz – mahahahahaha sorry, so sorry about this. Yes – ‘jizz’ is my TOP KEYWORD SEARCH this week. You filthy, filthy bastards. The only jizz I mentioned in detail was my Doctor Who-themed erotic dream post. And it wasn’t that much detail. That would have been gross.
Shitting Water – oh for crying out loud. This was a post I wrote ages ago. I had been a bit ill (hence the title) and, naturally, blogged about it. It was quite funny. Now people type their symptoms into Google and get my blog post. Poor bastards.
Motherventing – oh you flatterers! Looking up little old me! Why, I’m right here *fluttering lashes*
Shitting – oh. Right. More shit. Shit and jizz. Maybe I should rename my blog: Shit and Jizz.
Worst Jobs Ever – I think this was another Listography post. Obvs anyone searching for the worst jobs ever are going to find anecdotes about me cleaning up sick and picking through used sanitary towels. Which should just about answer their queries.
So there you have it – recent search terms I’ve also had include: ‘shitty parenting’ (wow, thanks) ‘boob job vs breast job’ (what? Are they different?) ‘child vomit clown’ (WHAT?) and ‘child chimney sweep’ (OK. OK. Now I just don’t get it).
For more random keyword searches, blast over to KateTakes5 and if you’re in a generous mood, link on up too. It’s FUN.
Well obviously it’s MY worst jobs ever, not just in general, or my list would look like this:
- Fearne Cotton’s stylist
- bumhole doctor
- anything that involves avoiding biscuits
- chiropodist (feet! Ugh)
Ooh Kate’s gone all nostalgic and dewy-eyed this week, with a harken-to-bygone-days Listography theme of Games We Used to Play.
Now I’m assuming she means outdoorsy type games, and not just snakes’n'ladders…
I would just like to add – my games were ENTIRELY CREATED BY EITHER MYSELF, MY BROTHERS OR MY FRIENDS – they’re not actually proper games, as recognised by, uh, the Olympic committee, or, erm, any sort of games manufacturers, like Hasbro.
- Square Touch – so invented because in our school playground there were some random painted squares. I’m not sure what the school had in mind when they painted squares on the playground surface. Maybe not Square Touch, which I seem to recall involved flinging yourself across the asphalt with demonish abandon to get to one of the squares, wherein you would be ‘safe’. If you had the misfortune to be It, you had to try and catch the others and by touching them outside of the squares, so recruit them into your nefarious cabal. But it was rubbish being It because there were so many fecking squares, a player could hop from one end to another without leaving the safe areas, if they were really athletic and had long legs. A nonsense game, which was very popular for a while, until the next game took precedence…
- Knightmare – based on the awesome TV series of the same name, this game basically involved one person wearing the school jumper wrapped round their eyes and everyone else shouting instructions like ‘Go left! Go right six paces! Straight ahead! Jump! Oh no, you’ve just fallen in a fiery pit of doom! You’re dead!’ until we’d all had a go wearing a jumper wrapped round our heads. A particular favourite of me and my brothers, we used to play at my nan’s house – she had a mad patterned carpet – big geometric shapes – which, in our tiny imaginations, became narrow paths and dangerous ledges. Was also good for getting your younger brother to pretend to be a goblin or something.
- Kiss Chase – OK we didn’t invent this game. Not sure who did but they’re a fecking genius. Only me and my friends had our own version, which was a bit more violent. Less kissing, more throttling and shrieking, until a teacher managed to peel the poor boy from our grasp and get him breathing again. Hence why some grown men, even now, shudder and turn pale at the mention of Kiss Chase.
- Squirrel Farm – Jesus, this is when I went through what my then-best mate called my ‘soppy as a wet flannel’ phase and I started hanging around with the girl that loves animals. You know, there’s always one, they absolutely ADORE animals and wants to be a vet when they grow up. They’ve got numerous pets and quite possibly, a pony. Well, I never had pets when I was little and never harboured any ambition to be a vet (sticking your hand up a cow’s bum and de-fleaing cats is not my idea of a fulfilling career), but for some reason, when this girl started playing Squirrel Farm I was desperate to join in. The clue’s in the name – we were all squirrels, and we lived on a farm. That’s really it. I remember making lots of ‘tch tch tch’ noises with my teeth and maybe calling myself Nutsy. Dear lord. Thanks be to the gods that phase was OVER after a very short amount of time.
- Mud Bombs – nuff said. Suffice to say, my mum was NOT IMPRESSED, either with us, or the side of the house. Oops.
It’s been a while since I did one of Lovely Kate‘s Listographies, and honestly, I’m only doing this one cos Lovely Kate has chosen a v v easy subject, which I can do, without using my brains much. And she advocates laziness. And hangoverness. So, you know, she rocks.
Here’s Wot I Did Last Week (warning: contains fleas)…
- Squashed a gazillion fleas. No, really – a GAZILLION. Which in numerical terms is 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.* So, a lot. The result of this frenzied insect destruction? I now hate cats. All cats. Even ones which, you know, PRETEND to be clean but actually have fleas and totally leave them in your carpet. Bastards.
- Retail therapy! Which I very much needed (see above). I bought: black lacy blouse thing (for cocktails on Friday), a flowery dress thing with pockets (because it was cheap. And I’m a sucker for a dress with pockets) and a mountain of black socks (to wear in the vain hope that fleas can’t bite through material. They can. Doom).
- Was told my feet look dirty. They’re not. They’re very very very very very brown. This is because I have very very very brown skin already. So when I tan I look very very very very very brown. Especially my feet, which stick out from my legs and therefore get maximum sunshine exposure. And I wear mostly flip-flops all the time. I repeat: my feet are NOT dirty.
- Had an idea for a book. I like writing books. But what usually happens is I have an idea for a beginning, and never get past that. This time, I have a beginning, a middle and an end. Score! Only now, I have to write it. As well as maintain a blog, write articles for Brew Drinking Thinkings, squash fleas, look after a baby and unpack bags from moving day. I want to somehow incorporate another blog with the book idea, or maybe consider online publishing – but still not sure what I want or how to do it. This needs more mulling. But the idea is a good thing.
- Had a proper row with Hub. First time in a looooong time. Perhaps ever? You don’t need to know what about. What’s important is, it kind of cleared the air, and even though things are still a bit tense, we’re going to sort it. I blame the fleas! Their toxic saliva has infected my brains with insect juice. Bastards ruin everything.
Sparkly wine + typing a blog post = some precarious writings, to say the least. But I’m determined. There’s nowt on TV and my belly’s full of curry and Italian chocolate (oh how bloody decadent) and a Listography – managed by the luminous KateTakes5 – is just the kind of easy activity I need. I’m sat back; I have a glass of sparkly wine clutched in my sweaty paw; and I don’t need the loo just yet. So here goes.
Theme: Top 5 Bands I’d Like to See Live! And I Can Choose Dead People If I Like, Cos Kate Did! Yay!
- Tina Turner – oh man, I know some people will take the piss but WOW – she is an awesome performer, is a motown legend, and has a fantastic voice. River Deep, Mountain High is my favourite song, but I think I would die happy if I get to see her sing Proud Mary live. Guaranteed to make me jiggle in my seat and put gooseflesh on my skin. Just don’t mention Mad Max 3: Beyond the Thunderdome...
- Led Zeppelin – obv circa the 1970s, rather than now. If I saw them creaking around a stage now, I’d worry about one of them spraining something. But in the 70s, I’d be in the front row, trying to lick Robert Plant, crying when he sings Stairway to Heaven, cos y’know, it speaks to me, etc.
- Arcade Fire – ah this one’s cheating cos I’ve already seen them live, mahaha. But it was at Brixton Academy and I had a panic attack so I need to see them again, really. All I remember is being hemmed in and pressed from all sides by stupidly tall people. Bloody tall people. Yeah, STAND AT THE BACK, y’all. APPARENTLY Arcade Fire were awesome, so I’d like to see them for myself.
- Queen – ah Freddie Mercury. Sigh. He was the ULTIMATE showman, and even if I don’t like ALL of Queen’s songs, I BET YOU ANYTHING the concerts would be superb. And I met Brian May once and he was a gent.
- Mumford and Sons – have to include them; Hub and I had tickets to see them in Rome, but they cancelled at the last minute – literally, a minute before the gig was due to start – because the singer had a sore effing throat. Hub and I had an arduous journey back to the apartment (including a 40 min walk up a massive hill) which was NOT COOL cos I was 5 months preggo at the time. I TOTALLY blame Mr Mumford. But I would still like to see them live. Just not in Rome.
Yes, KateTakes5, YES! And just think of where we can go from here… best cakes? Best biscuits? Best CHOCOLATE? *swoon*
Favourite ice creams… *dreamily licking at thin air*
The yellow bit! The green bit! And then the RED BIT! I am absurdly excited by this ice cream! I love it! And apparently it’s really hard to make! Skillz!
Orangey heaven in a tube. Seriously.
Haagen-Dazs Macadamia Nut Brittle
My top HD flavour. Nuts: good. Brittle: good. Ice cream: goooood. All three: GOOOOOOD OMNOMNOM
Fruit Pastille Ice Lolly
It’s all delicious (except the green bit).
For the bobblies. Totally.
Question: why don’t they do jokes on ice-lolly sticks any more? I really wish they did.
Oh Listography, I have missed thee so. This week it’s being chaired by The Chairman Mr Reluctant Housedad Dude and he’s done a darn fine job of it, I reckon so. The theme is Five Things I Want to Do This Summer. Aside from sleep, eat my body weight in cream teas, and attain an acceptable level of suntan on my spidery-veined and mottled legs*, I’ve decided on these:
Enjoy My Holiday in Tenby
Sunny Tenby! Exotic Wales! Charming seaside town alert! Goodness, Hub and I haven’t been on holiday for aaaaages, and Moo hasn’t been on holiday ever – unless you count her foetus-hitching a ride round Venice within my uterus – so we thought we’d rock up in Tenby for a week and partake of its pleasures. I hear the place is a gem. Can’t wait.
Read More Books
Now Hub is back for good I am thinking, SURELY NOW I CAN FIND SOME TIME TO READ AGAIN, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S SWEET AND PURE! I miss reading. Unadulterated, lengthy, ready reading. My ‘to read’ list (for the book-loving nosy parkers) includes The Memory Box by Margaret Forster, The Whistling Woman by AS Byatt, anything by Isabel Allende, Whatever You Love by Louise Doughty, and anything by John Irving. And other stuff. Am ploughing my way through Frozen Out by my good friend Quentin Bates at the mo. Not my regular cup of tea but it really is good. And I’m not just saying that cos otherwise Quentin will break my arms.
Move Back to Bristol
Am kind of hoping to achieve this within a few weeks, rather than over the summer. Summer! What is this ‘summer’, anyway? We don’t really get one, despite our optimistic outlook. Therefore I have flagrantly disregarded the time limits and henceforth included this one even though it’ll happen soon. Sooooooon. Very soon. Not summer. Soon.
See Friends More Often
You know who you are. Bunny and Bum Face, Banana and Nickoli and Jam Jar and Mr Jam Jar, I miss you looong time. Kisses. Will see you soon.
Lose Weight, and Get Fit Again
Sigh. I used to run, and did yoga, and could climb stairs without going all red and shiny. Now I tuck my tummy into my jeans and avoid strenuous activity, like bending down to do my shoes up or lifting the pot of Pick’n Mix to my mouth. I do not like this new me. This summer I am going to shed her like a layer of rancid, itchy skin, and find the old me underneath. As soon as I find my running shoes. I think I left them in Bristol.
Got any burning desires to write lists about what you want to do this summer? Then head over to Reluctant Housedad’s site and join in with the, uh, Slinky McLinky (his words, not mine). He won’t bite, promise.
*attractive, I know. Please restrain yourselves from rushing over here and ravishing me.
*putting on mad scientists specs and grey fright wig* “Goot mornink! My name is Professor Blogstein and I am an excellent inventor! Today I haf for you some excellent inventions which vill make your life infinitely easier in every way! Now I will pass you over to mein assistant for the explainings! Ahem, fraulein motherventink?”
Yeah… I don’t think I could sustain that narrative voice for much longer. These are the things that would totally change my life. Mad scientist, take note: stop your arsing around with the Large Hadron Collider at Cerne and GET ON IT.
1) Magic Menstrual Button
So! There’s a button – maybe in your belly button! – which once a month you press and WHOOSH! All at once, everything, done. gone. Sit on the loo, wipe, flush. No tampons, no pads, no cramps, no PMT, no icky-stickiness, no excuse to put off having sex… oh. Wait.
2) Self-Driving Cars
Like in Minority Report. Then I wouldn’t have to learn how to drive (had a go once, mainly involved me screaming and panicking and stalling the car).
3) A Pill That You Take And It Fills You Up All Day
Cos more often than not, I forget to eat. This would save me a LOAD of time and effort.
4) Clothes Which Make You Appear Slimmer Than You Are
Now I’m not just talking about wearing black/vertical stripes/belts around your waist etc, I mean clothes that actually CONFUSE an onlooker into believing you are a size 10. Like hologrammatic trickery. Smoke and mirrors. They could charge as much as they wanted for these clothes – I WOULD PAY.
5) Some Sort Of Umbrella Thingy Which You Can Use While Pushing A Buggy
OMG I would make a FORTUNE if I invented one of these! I’m thinking, clip-on, clip-off, foldaway, wind-resistant, waterproof, magic umbrella wotist. And NO, I can’t just use a hood, they always fall back and I get wet anyway. I want a thingamajimmy. Till then, I won’t go out in the rain. *looks out of the window* Oh, shit.
So, there you go. Another list done and dusted. Apparently that was an ‘easy’ one – check out the others on KateTakes5 – but I like a challenge, me! Like, Top 5 Moustaches. Or, Top 5 Log Flumes. Or, Top 5 Fascist Dictators. OK I’ll shut up now.
Travel. I never did the travelling thing. So I have not ‘discovered’ myself halfway up a mountain, or bonded with Buddhist monks, or tried to find a Starbucks in a Bolivian jungle or anything like that. And I’m not even sure I would like to go travelling. Unless someone invents a portable shower/toilet/hotel room with four poster bed and wifi connection and minibar.
So when KateTakes5 says, ‘Where in the WHOLE WORLD would you like to travel to?’ I am tempted to reply, ‘Uh, actually, I need to go into town and buy some socks. Would that be OK?’ but cos I’m a game kinda gal I’ll give this a proper go.
Mahaha my first one and I’ve cheated, cos I’ve been here before. But I loved it so much, I want to go back, and actually enjoy it again with Hub, whom I actually love, rather then my ex-boyf, who I went with before, and who was a twat. So, New Orleans: for the music, the people, the gator-on-a-stick, the voodoo, the bourbon, the atmosphere, the heat, the carnival beads, and the tiny little fudge shop that did the best fudge ever. One day, I will return. Oh yes, I will return.
I just have a feeling that the Big Apple and me, we’d totally get along. It’s so flipping iconic, and part of me thinks most of it is some sort of film set and therefore not real. I’d have to see it WITH MY EYES. And another part of me wants to trip down 5th Avenue pretending I’m SJP, or Audrey Hepburn gazing into Tiffany’s window, or Jennifer Aniston taking up the whole bloody sofa with her mates in Central Perk. Love New York. Love it, and I’ve not even been there yet.
OK I will stop picking places with ‘New’ in the name. But c’mon – New Zealand, man! Look how awesome that place is! And the accent is excellent; see ‘Flight of the Conchords’ for some excellent accents; I can’t really transcribe them here. Well – they say ‘Yis’ instead of ‘Yes’ which tickles me sideways. Anyway. There are some lovely mountains and dramatic scenery stuff. It just looks like a brilliant place. It’s the best bit about the Lord of The Rings films, seriously. Oh, if only it wasn’t ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ENTIRE GLOBE I’d have been there by now. Tsk.
Now this is a really silly place for me to include cos I don’t really do the cold. But Antarctica doesn’t look like it belongs on this planet, therefore is another place I’d have to see WITH MY EYES. And there are masses of penguins. And penguins are great. I’d go to the North Pole – bit closer, innit – but am worried a polar bear might chew my face off. Penguins wouldn’t do that. And how cool would it be to be able to say, ‘Oh, I’ve been to Antarctica for a quick break’ – people would think you were crazy but it’s actually very awesome. And there’s always thermal underwear.
Just because it looks really lovely. And Lost was filmed there, and I liked Lost. Aloha!
I mean, really, there are tons of places I would go if I had the money/time/a very understanding babysitter. I’m kinda tempted to convince Hub to buy a camper van and we’ll grab Moo and go driving across the world and see all these awesome places (maybe not Antarctica) with her, but the sensible part of my brain kicks up an almighty fuss and so I talk myself out of it. Would make good bloggage though, wouldn’t it? Hmmm….