Yeah it is smelly. And the flies are bad, but, you know, it is your shit, so you do not mind the flies too much if they are on your shit. It is well lucky that I am here. I found this shit two weeks ago, and I thought to me, ‘Woo hoo! Now you are proper set up, innit, cos this is big!’ and I bust right in there, and ate up all that shit, even the brown bits and the pebbly bits, and the bits that took a day or two to chew proper. But I left the shell of it, cos that is what I am
going to live in. I got me a roof out of ribs! No one ever had this kind of shit. The others are surely going to puke when they see me in this set up! That is, if they ever come to visit, yeah?
I had to make the place home, like. After I had cleared it out, ate all the dead insides and popped the eyes and given it a brush, right, I looked round me and was like, ‘Yeah this is good. This is very good, but it’s gotta look like it is fit for me.’ So I fetched up all my stuff, all the stuff I’d dug in the ground after the sandstorm. That stuff is well precious, yeah, it is all my tokens and icons and votives. I almost never found it again, the storm had totally ballsed up the place, but I remembered I hid it under that human bone yard, least six scoops under the earth, past all their bodies and shit, and yeah, it was all still there! No one had messed with it or anything. I trashed the place right up to get it all back and took some bones with me too, to make my new shit look well hot. I got me furs on the floor, got me rubies on the skin walls, and I got them dry old bones hanging from the roof, they go a-clack-a-clack-a when the wind blows and I has me a jig to the music! It is top stuff. On good days I open the flap wide and the sunshine comes right in and shines it right round my shit and I feel proper special, like I am meant to be here all along. And on a good day all I does is sit and put my feet up on the trunk and bask in the glory, the sunshine and the glory.
But on a bad day, the day is well bad. I gets the rain coming in, it right messes up the place, yeah, cos the rain here is not like fancy rain or cloud-ish rain, it is proper wash-you-right-out rain, it gets under my scales and well roughs me out. And it gets me thinking: I ain’t built for wet, see? S’why I moved my shit here. That, and the death what happened in the last place. It weren’t my fault, right, but them humans didn’t know that – they came right up to
my cave and tried setting aflame to me so I had to get brutal on them and kill some of them. That did not go down well with the others. I tried to explain it weren’t my fault in the first place but they weren’t listening to me. Like, I was not responsible for every fleabite and disease that went through the place, and I never saw it coming, yeah, and then it was too late for my voodoo shit to sort the stuff out. So some humans died, some of them young ones – so what?
They always make more, they’re making them things all the time. I been in that place for years and years; that mountain was my hood, man, that was where I was created. That’s where my shit was. I cared for that mountain, yeah. Ain’t no one else there to make young ones with me! Humans came to me cos I was the only one round there, innit? They worshipped me cos they ain’t never seen another brother like me.
After them tried to get rid of me I left. I hope them all get crushed by rocks after the mountain falls down round them. Took me ages, yeah, to find new shit. I went all over the place to find some proper fit digs for my sorry arse. There was that forest but it was way too leafy – I got leafs in all my cracks. I tried another mountain but some other mush was there and he chased me right out! Ain’t never heard of sharing, I reckon. Anyway, I fancied me a bit of sunny weather so I came southways. Took me days and days to get down here, then I got attacked by lions on me first
day in the grass, them lions were well stupid so I mashed them up proper. But there ain’t much shit to choose from down here, I had me a hole in the sand for a bit but the wind would blow and uncover me. And I am a creature that needs shadow, yeah, I like the sun but I need a place to retreat, you get me? Me bits started going pink and that ain’t a good look. And carrying around all my stuff was getting wearing, that’s why I hid it in the ground for a bit. But
like I say, it is well lucky I found this shit. I ain’t never seen nothing like it – well, I knew of it, them are elephants, right, but this is like elephants gone bad. And it is fit for a prince, I reckon, it is well buff. Especially now I got me stuff hanging up around the place. I put me some candles in some of the little nooks and set them on fire, they have made all my shit glow and it is proper spooky, like.
But I shoulda known better. Them candles are smokes and light, right, and what do humans like better than smokes
and lights. I have had a good first few days on me own, sorting out the gaff and resting me claws, when who should rock up but one of them little humans. Gave me a right shock, it did, me coming out the flap and spotting it stood right there, all eyes and ears and skinny little weird legs. Sometimes they proper creep me out, like they are not even real, yeah. So I says to it, ‘What’s up, human?’ and it don’t even blink, just stands there, staring at me. So I get on
with my business, well, I ain’t going to let a puny human get in the way of my daily scratch, am I, yeah? I open the flaps to air the joint, it is still staring at me. I have a chew on a bone, it is still staring at me. I crack all my feathers and give them a proper shake, like, all the dust is flying in its face and it is still standing there, staring at me. ‘What are you staring at?’ I say to it, ‘Ain’t you never seen my kind before?’ and I reach out and give it a poke to make sure it is real and I ain’t losing my mind.
Well, fuck me! As soon as I touch it, it bleats like a mountain goat and fucks off into the grass. I don’t think nothing of it till next nightfall, when I just settles down for a kip and then I hears some drum beats. I poke my head out of the flaps and see loads of them humans now, all tarred up and beaded and dancing round my shit like I’m having me a party and they’d all got invited. One of them had lit a giant fire, yeah, which got me bricking it cos big fires make me nervous. Makes me think they’re going stick a rod up my arse and try and roast me, if you get my drift.
So’s all I does is watch them for a bit, half in my shit, half out and ready to scarper if needs be, though I don’t like the thought of leaving my stuff for them humans to plunder. They’re all hoo-loo-ling and wok-a-lok-ing and other shit, and I’m not being funny but all my eyes were shutting, even my inner eye, and that only shuts in times of great disaster and plague, yeah, but I was that tired, I’d had a hard day sorting out some shit. Then some old dude comes shuffling up to me, kicking up dust in my snout which makes me cough a bit and he backs off like I bit him, but not before dropping something on the ground in front of me. ‘Is this for me? What is it?’ I ask, but none of them says anything back, what do I expect, I mean, I can’t understand meself half the time. So I takes a look at it, at this shit, yeah, and what the fuck? They have only given me a real live young human, I kid you not, a real little one, it don’t even stand up or nothing yet. It were just waving its arms around and opening its mouth hole and making pink noises like them young ones do. I stares at it for a bit, I ain’t being funny but I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with this thing.
Then the old dude is like, shuffling up again and kicking it forward, yeah, right up to my claws, and he’s making
these funny noises and pointing at his mouth hole, and pointing at my mouth hole, and then pointing at the young human. And fuck me if he doesn’t want me to eat the fucker! That ain’t my shit, man, I don’t eat humans, just kill them if they get on my wick. And them big humans are all staring at me now, like I am supposed to flick the little one into my mouth hole and start chewing. ‘What the fuck?’ I growl at them, and them all look a bit scared, so I say, ‘What exactly do you hope to achieve with this shit?’ and then I kick the little thing back towards the old dude. He looks proper mardy, right, but then another human comes running from the crowd and makes all these weird shrieking noises and scoops up the little human what I refused to eat and runs back into the crowd. Then all them humans start shrieking, yeah, but not in a bad way, it is like they are all proper happy that I ain’t gonna eat their little humans. It is only the old dude that don’t shriek, but I reckon he has got a feather
stuck up his arse or something. ‘Yeah, fuck off now, I am right tired,’ I shout above their shouting, but they are all dancing round the fire now so I just crawl into my shit and close the flap.
When it is light again I poke my head out and am only half surprised to see that first little human standing near my
shit again. It is all painted up now, yeah, I suppose they are trying to make it look like me but that ain’t never gonna happen. ‘Cos I am magnificent, and shit,’ I say and then I chuckle to myself, but the little human don’t laugh, I think maybe it don’t get the joke. I don’t poke it today but I do just get on with my stuff, and it stands there staring at me, and sometimes it wobbles like it’s gonna fall over but it don’t. It is well hot in the sun, yeah, and the human is standing right in the yellow like it don’t even care. It stares and stares and I get it – it is worshipping me, yeah? I
ain’t even done nothing godly yet. Them humans are well weird.
I open my flap and pin it up and sit in the shadow cos I don’t need to go all red and hot, and the inside of my shit starts to smell a bit, right, like dead stuff does start to smell after a bit, you get me? This elephant is bad, but I reckon I got to stand it a bit more, cos then it’ll stop smelling and be all tough and shit. And that is a proper home fit for me. Yeah, I have thought this through.