There is nothing more wonderful about being a female human being than the joyous occasion of the smear test.
Yes. I’m being sarcastic.
A smear test: when your vagina is winched open and your cervix is swabbed. YAY! Fun for all.
GUILTY FACE. I was long overdue a smear. Hadn’t had one in AAAAAAGES. Thought I should probably have one done. They’re important. THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’VE BEEN PUNCHED IN THE VULVA, but they’re important.
This is what I worried about prior to the actual smear test:
- what if my undercarriage smells?
- what if I guff in the doctor’s face by accident?
- what if the doctor loses a speculum up there?
- what if the doctor finds a colony of womb spiders?
- what if the doctor recoils in horror at the sight of my untamed muff?
- what if the doctor refuses to administer the smear test on the grounds of a cruel and unusual vaginal display?
- my vagina’s OK, right?
- I mean, it FEELS OK. I haven’t actually looked properly in a while. I’m assuming it’s OK. DOES MY VAGINA LOOK OK?
- oh my GOD what if my vagina doesn’t look like a vagina any more?
- would the doctor even say if my vagina didn’t look OK?
- or would they just secretly add it to a list of Odd Vaginas and post it on the internet?
- should I google Odd Vaginas, just in case?
I’m pretty sure the doctor has seen A LOT of vaginas in her line of work. She kind of had the face of someone who’d seen A HECK OF A LOT of vaginas. And not in a good way.
She was quite curmudgeonly. I felt sorry for her, but then felt annoyed, because I wanted someone chirpy and bright and POSITIVE to bring me out of my worried funk. Someone to put me at ease. Not a ‘oh fuck, here’s another vagina’-faced doctor. I should have had a ‘YAY VAGINA!’ doctor. All gynaecological doctors should come with a YAY VAGINA! qualification.
But I’m being unfair. She was good at the smeary stuff. If ‘good’ means ‘shove a speculum in this front bottom and wrench those walls wide so’s I can shine a light on your secret juicy parts and poke around a bit’. Which is essentially what a smear test entails.
It’s UNCOMFORTABLE. It’s not unbearable, though. Just when you think you REALLY REALLY DON’T WANT TO DO THIS any more, she whips the speculum out and it’s over. I found out I have something HORRENDOUS sounding called CERVICAL EROSION (or ectropion) which made me want to go ‘AAAAAAAAAARRGHHHHHH WHAT WHAAAAAT OMFG MY CERVIX IS ERODING WHAAAAAAAT?’ for a minute until she explained it was quite common and not weird or dangerous or anything. Phew.
Anyway, obvs I have to wait for the results to see if I do have anything weird or dangerous, which is a whole different kind of worried funk now. But at least I’d KNOW, and can then do something about it, if needs be.
SMEAR TESTS ARE SO FUCKING IMPORTANT. Just DO ONE. Sure, they’re disagreeable and faintly embarrassing but how else are you going to know whether your cervix is peachy or not?
And if you’re lucky, you’ll get a YAY VAGINA! doctor.
I’ll say it one more time: YAY VAGINA!
And: get a fucking smear test done.
This has been a public service blog post, sponsored by my eroded cervix. You’re welcome.
Should I google Odd Vaginas?