My Boyfriend Has A Tiny Penis

He doesn’t, by the way.

Me: I’m thinking of writing a blog post called ‘My Boyfriend Has A Tiny Penis’. Is that OK?

Boyfriend: Erm, no.

Me: OK great, thanks, I’ll start writing it straight away!

Boyfriend: Did you not hear me? I said no!

Me: Yes OF COURSE I heard you, thanks for being so understanding and generous. I love how you agree with me about EVERYTHING.

Boyfriend: Are you DELUDED? I SAID NO!

Me: [gallops off on my unicorn]

That *points upwards* my friends, is a GOOD EXAMPLE of comedic writing. Notice also how the title of the post is funny, and not just cos I mention the word ‘penis’ which is, in itself, a hilarious word. PENIS, y’all. Ha. It’s funny cos it seems like I’m revealing a devastatingly intimate detail about my boyfriend’s anatomy to the entire world, yeah? It could be totally awkward for anyone who reads this blog and knows who my boyfriend is in actual real life. They’d meet him and instantly think, ‘All right mate. You have a tiny penis’, and then wouldn’t be able to banish that notion from their brains EVER AGAIN. Let’s face it, y’all are thinking hard about my boyfriend’s penis now, yeah? You deviants.

That’s funny. I’m smiling.

He doesn’t, by the way.

People laugh at inappropriate things. I’ve often been told I’m funny (luckily for me, my boyfriend also thinks so, ohmigod phew) and I have no doubt it’s partly because I blog/tweet about slightly shmutty* subjects like periods and sex and shit which are really not ideal topics of conversation in polite society. But I find it all funny. Maybe I’m not that sophisticated. Ah well. I write about that stuff in my own particular style cos I like making people laugh and maybe gasp a bit. The whole blogging shebang clicked for me when I realised that I could be funny with my writing. Sure, sometimes I vent the doom, but generally speaking, I think I’m known for the funny. Right? Yeah? Goodo.

So for me, writing the funny stuff is about the shmut and the audible gasp and the fucking bloody bastard swearing and the SHOUTY CAPS LOCK. This is my niche, this is what I can do. When I read other blog posts which contain any of those elements I laugh my tits off. I wrote a TV script like that just so’s it might get made into an actual programme and then I get to watch it on TV and laugh my tits off again. Yes, I laugh at my own stuff. If you want to write funny, you need to be able to laugh at yourself. Otherwise, what the fuck?

What actually happened was:

Me: I’m thinking of writing a blog post called ‘My Boyfriend Has A Tiny Penis’. Is that OK?

Boyfriend: Yeah, sure.

But that’s not funny. It is WAY funnier to make it seem like my boyfriend hated the idea, and then I just blithely ignored him, whilst passive-aggressively suggesting that he’s pussy-whipped and then ending with a triumphant exit on the back of my faithful blogging emblem, the unicorn. Exaggeration, untruths, mystical creatures. All funny stuff.

PENIS.

He doesn’t, by the way. Although it’s starting to sound like I’m protesting too much. LOVEYOUBOYFRIENDPLEASEDON’TLEAVEME.

If I was to ever run a seminar on ‘How to Write Funny Things and Make People Laugh and Maybe Gasp A Bit, Innit’ then I’d wrap it all up with these pieces of advice:

  • what makes you laugh? Just do that
  • PENIS
  • unicorn

The session would only be 30 seconds long. I’d include a tap dance. Then we’d go to the pub for some gin.

 

What makes you laugh? And does your boyfriend have a tiny penis?

Mine doesn’t.

 

 

*new word: amalgamation of smutty and shitty. You’re welcome. Add it to the dictionary, yo

 

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21 comments

  1. Nat

    Shits and farts are funny, so much so that its easy to be funny if all you do is talk about shits and farts. My 3 year old talks about shits and farts all the time and everyone laughs. It doesn’t make him funny, it just makes him 3.

  2. Pingback: Shit, I slipped and fell on a penis | Sugarmytips
  3. Catherine Burden (@AlwaysARedhead)

    I asked middle child (she’s 21) just the other day, if the guy she was telling me about had a big dong, she wasn’t impressed. With disgust she told her dad what I said, I yelled downstairs, that her dad had a big dong! She ran up stairs yelling ewww. I was ROTFLMAO. I’m a bad mom.

  4. Ashley

    This is funny and yes I was thinking like why would you do that to your boyfriend thats just mean. Then you actually got me to read the rest of the blog just to know why would a person to this… and yes this method can be also used for marketing write something funny interesting and somehow makes people dazzle and smile while reading

  5. lplatemummy

    I like the word “muff”. Always makes me chortle. I really need to use it in a post.

    And, no. It’s not.

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