Weather

Fucking hot weather, innit. I’m sitting in my pants writing this. JUST MY PANTS. Sweaty, sticky pants. Laptop burning through the cushion balanced on my lap. Growing colonies of bacteria in my swampy under-boobs. Pretty sure there’s also some jungle vines amassing in my foetid arse crack. Fat flies buzzing in lazy swirls around the stagnant shallows of my armpits. I’m so HOT. And not in a good way.

Just wanted to give y’all a mental image of my beauteous form, there. YOU’RE WELCOME. Any time.

There are ways of coping. ONE: don’t live in a country where this bastard-sunshine thing can happen. Go NORTH. In the epic wastelands of the north, it’s cooler, and not so damn bright, and they have clouds and rain and stuff. Unfortunately, I feel dizzy and get nosebleeds if I go past Gloucester so I have to stay south and west as much as possible. For the sake of my HEALTH, obvs.

TWO: live in a cave. This is feasible. There are many caves in the ground. Some are habitable. As long as you like living in caves. Dark, chill, festooned with bats and stalagmites: what’s not to enjoy? Wait, it’s almost as if we’re talking about my arse crack again. ANYWAY. I can’t live in a cave, I get flashbacks to that time I was buried alive and had to punch my way out of a coffin* so dwelling underground is just not my thing. Shame.

THREE: become one of those people for whom hot weather is merely an inconvenience, or a slight discomfort. Y’know. They don’t perspire. They barely have a sheen to their dry, scaly skin. They skip across hot pavements, from shadow to precious shadow, with graceful, skittish ease. They gaze upon you with the slow, moist blink of the eternally cool. I envy these people. Oh no, wait, I mean LIZARDS. I envy lizards. And lizard-people.

Those are only a few of the more sensible solutions I have for managing to stay comfortable in this stupid weather. Moo is perfectly content to splash about in a washing-up bowl full of water outside in the shade, while I melt into a fleshy puddle nearby. I think my internal thermostat is broken, cos I never used to be this pathetic. I should be romping in the park in a bikini top and denim hotpants, yeah? I shouldn’t be yearning the fabric clasp of a damn good cardigan, right? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

How the fucking fuck are you supposed to deal with July? Like, an actual July with actual sweltering bloody heatwave stuff? I DON’T LIKE IT.

Bastard weather. Do one.

 

PS I’m allowed to moan about the weather. So there.

 

*may have been Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, I’m always getting mixed up with herĀ 

 

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39 comments

  1. Adele

    Nothing could previously persuade me that this country ever gets TOO hot. Until I had a pretend wedding on Fri (yeah I did) and nearly combusted in my dress. Battled on though, like a warrior of heat. X

      • Adele

        VERY belated reply, as I haven’t been on here since July. Soz. I’m sure you are still on the edge of your seat awaiting knowledge of my pretend wedding. Blogged for a year about snaring a groom, there was no groom, I had a wedding anyway. There was cake, a dance, a speech, and it was basically fabulous.

  2. AlwaysARedhead

    We too are currently experiencing a heat wave. Today it was 32 celsius with a humidex of 40 something and it is supposed to be like this all week. I love it! We have no air conditioning because I hate it, but we do have ceiling fans – 9 to be exact and a pool which really cools you off before hitting the sack. I will spend this week swimming and will enjoy the heat.

  3. Canvas & Thread

    im sat in front of an electric fan *dont hate me* it was a very essensial purchase when i had to do summer heavily pregnant…twice i spent almost my entire pregnancies naked and dug it out from under the bed yesterday and stole a plug of the blender that hasnt seen the light of day for ages. Anyway…what i really hate about summer is seeing people wearing hot pants when they clearly shouldnt be…cellulite city, hey i have it too which is why i sensibly cover it up! summer aint pretty in cornwall right now

    • motherventing

      I’m all for getting yer flabby bits out, I reckon the more we see on the streets, the more we’ll normalise it and then the media can fark off with their super-airbrushed versions and all that, innit. I wore some cut-offs t’other day and fair terrorised my sleepy neighbourhood. It was excellent skillz. But yeah, I’m coming to steal the wafty air from your electric fan, yo ;)

  4. PieAndBear

    After baring my legs for 10 minutes today, I now look as though I’ve spent the day wading through fields of nettles. It’s not the best look. Bloody skin. Bloody weather.

    • motherventing

      There’s a reason why little old Italian women wear long sleeves and thick black tights in this sort of weather. Because, um, they are crazy, obvs. But yeah. Bloody SUNSHINE! *waves fist at sun*

  5. Michael Cargill

    I laughed.

    I don’t like the hot weather either actually. Although being a skinhead helps keep me cool, being a burly man means I sweat lots.

    Did you see the tennis yesterday? There were people sitting in the crowd wearing suits and fully done up ties! How do those bastards do it?

  6. TheRealMrsBash

    Yes yes yes!!!! I’m total crap in this weather – just rubbish!! Anything above a cloudy 21 degrees turns me into a sweaty puddle! I hate summer clothes! I like woolly jumpers and a roaring fire! I love closing the curtains at 4.00pm because it’s dark and I love laying in bed listening to the rain thrashing down!!
    Get lost sunshine…..
    xxxx

  7. Christina E (@Beadzoid)

    I’m crap in this weather too, but I’m gamely determined to be all “ooooh isn’t the heatwave just WONDERFUL!” people. I am. I’m refusing to faint, pass out or get prickly heat – things I often do when faced with anything upwards of 20 degrees. In fact I am the person who couldn’t even hack 5 mins in an express tanning booth, back in the day. When it comes to sun, I too suck.

    But NO, damnit, NO!!!! I AM going to enjoy it. In fact, I’m here – right now. In a vest top – no bra (u-huh) and a sarong. Yes, a sarong! I may even make me some homemade lemonade. Hell yeah *fist pump*

    So suck it up, Movo. Enjoy, for we’ll be back to rain and grey by next week.

    Ps: Ain’t no better word in the English language than foetid. Except perhaps, nefarious. And discombobulate. Next time, I’d like all three of those in one sentence, if you would.

  8. Melksham Mum

    Tsk. There’s always one! ;) I’m off to workout and get extra sweaty. Have hardly eaten today due to heat so may require rescuing in approx 30 mins :)

  9. knittymummy

    I feel your pain. Once it goes past 23 degrees I wilt. I need a nice country where it stays at a steady 19 – 21 degrees all year, only rains overnight and where cake doesn’t make you put on weight (that last one doesn’t have anything to do with how hot it is right now, I just thought if we were looking for perfection I’d add it in)

  10. Shona Smith

    Tip to help you cool down: run a towel under the cold tap, wring it out, lie down, put it on your front/back* and feel yourself cool off.

    * delete as applicable or do both. I sleep on my front so put a wet towel on my back if it’s too hot for me to get to sleep

    • motherventing

      That’s a great tip, thank you :) I actually did something similar for Moo this evening, poor thing was sweating buckets in her cot. Horrible weather, bah.

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