You know I have shiteye? That’s an ACTUAL MEDICAL TERM, by the way – the street name for it is ‘conjunctivitis’. True story.

And you know antibiotics? Yeah? I am taking them for the shiteye.

Antibiotics are great, huh. Oh yeah. Good stuff. You know how the antibiotics for shiteye are eye drops? Makes sense, right?

You know how the eye drops are cold, and soothing, and a relief from the itch-plague of shiteye?

You know how the antibiotics just take the pain away and make everything all right again?

And how even though the antibiotics sting a bit, and there’s that foul bitter taste down the back of your throat that you almost can’t stomach but you do, cos you know it’s medicine and it’s GOOD for you and you have to do it if you want to shift the shiteye?

And how even though yeah, it fucking STINGS actually A LOT and you can’t see properly for ten minutes and you stamp your feet and say ‘motherfucker‘ in front of the toddler, who’s laughing at you anyway cos they had to have antibiotics last week and you actually SAT ON THEM to get the fucking things in their eyes and now it’s OBVIOUSLY payback time?

So you know how you have to take the antibiotics about three thousand hundred million times a day? Or, like, every three hours or whatever? But you have to keep them in the fridge, so if you’re out all day, you have to take the fridge out with you? Yeah.

And you know how, OK, it’s inconvenient and it stings like a fucker and they taste like shit and your toddler laughs at you and your eye is still weeping pus a bit, fucksake, that’s all FINE anyway cos antibiotics are GREAT and WONDERFUL and can FIX YOUR SHITEYE and not just shiteye but all sorts of other bacterial-based bastard infections?

You know all that?



What I want to know is: when are they going to make something that soothes the pain in my heart? Or the itch in my brain? Or the stupid tangled worries in my gut? Or the loneliness? Or the sadness? Is there medicine for all that? Cos just when I think I’m over it, I get another bout.

Antibiotics. Yes. They’re great. What would you want them to cure?


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  1. gingersiren

    The first part if this did cause a giggle, and from someone who has had loads medicine i wanna know if they can make such great medicine why can’t they make it taste better??!!
    As for the second part the only medicine I have to found to help is friends, family, laughter, smiles & hugs, never cures it but does lessen the pain

  2. mummytremaine

    I’d like them to shift annoying moaning ex wives that’s what I’d like them to shift. Then maybe I could breath. Bit like a chest infection she is! Thankfully like the infections though, the annoyance is usually short lived.

    I’m sorry I can’t give much advice about the aches & pains you’re feeling. Time. That’s a great healer too :-)

  3. MummyNeverSleeps

    Dude, I thought you only get pinkeye when someone farts on your pillow when you’re asleep. WHO’S BEEN FARTING ON MOVO’S PILLOWS?! There with ya mate *fist pump* even the medicine for the brain fuzz and heartache doesn’t always work. Sending massive gin stinking hugs xx

  4. PieAndBear

    Antibiotics are great and shit but you know that banana medicine antibiotics that stains the crap out of ANYTHING it gets on? Be great if antibiotics could cure that. Yep.

  5. Lottie

    I want Antibiotics to fix my stairs bannister that my 8yo broke swinging on it…or in fact fix the 8yo so she doesn’t swing on “all” the things :-p

  6. Bibsey Mama (@BibseyMama)

    Thanks for this post. Bibs gets shiteye on a regular basis and now I have a bit of an insight into how bloody awful the eyedrops are. To answer your question, I have a nasty infection in my bank balance and I wish that I could take antibiotics for it.

    • motherventing

      When Moo had to have eye drops last week I ran out of sympathy very quickly. Until I had to have them and I realised, that yes, they stung and tasted grim. Moo barely whimpered, she is clearly hardcore. I am a wuss.
      My bank balance is also infected, but I think it’s terminal :(

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