Dildo
Y’all know I’m a virgin, right? I wrote about how I’m not at all kinky and also about how I wear cardigans, which as anyone knows, means I’m a total virgin. Yes, yes, I know I said I wasn’t a virgin, but I lied. I really am. You want to know why? Well. Cos I have never owned a sex toy. Unless you count Benedict Cumberbatch trussed up in my dungeon. But GENERALLY SPEAKING, I have not ever had a sex toy in my possession. No dildos, no vibrators, no (oh god what else is there) erm, shmexy, uh, dancing wiggling THINGS that are, er, inserted in places. Variously. Innit. Quite literally: innit.
ANYWAY. Up until now, I have not owned a sex toy.
But then I bought a dildo.
At the risk of sounding even more virginal, what the FARK do I do with it? What’s the etiquette? What are the dildos and dildon’ts? Do I whisper nice things to it? Do I take it out for dinner? Maybe I should treat it mean and keep it keen? Or, perhaps, do a shmexy dance for it? I’m guessing – eventually – I shall have to use it for the purpose for which it was created. However I have an inkling that I will probably spend a good deal of time sitting on my bed and LAUGHING MY ARSE OFF as it sits, turgid, upon my duvet.
I have never done anything like this before! This is my first proper sex toy experience! I’ve always had, y’know, the real thing to play with, so not really felt a need for anything made out of vulcanised steel or whatever it is that makes it sound all manly and thrusting. I know many couples use a plethora of sex toys anyway, and yeah, I’ve probably missed out on YEARS of sexytime fun parties with just me and my toys, but heck, I told you, I’m an innocent sweet little ingénue. I have never even HELD a dildo before. Or a vibrator. Though I’m a bit wary of vibrators. In my mind, they sound a lot like lawnmowers. I do not want a lawnmower/foof interface on my brain while I’m indulging in some personal lovemaking time. I digress. I have a good idea of what to do with a dildo. Please don’t leave any comments along the lines of ‘oh just shove it up there woman’. I kind of assume that’s the endgame here.
Maybe this will be the start of a beautifully filthy new relationship with the world of sex toys. Maybe, soon, I will be like a Sex Toy Empress. I really DOUBT it though. Once a virgin, always a virgin. My poor dildo will be mocked and left in a drawer to gather dust. Poor dildo! I could send it (him?) on vacations? Loan him out? He’ll get lonely otherwise. He’ll need friends, drinking buddies. Yeah. Anyone else think I’m anthropomorphising my dildo just a bit too much?
I have a dildo. it’s just a cock-shaped piece of stuff. What now? You lot seem, uh, experienced. Gimme some ideas.
this made me smile lots, ive had several sex toys, some ive..erm…broke lol (cheaply made) and some i just didnt get on with. i went to a sex party at my neighbours the other week but prior to going i thought “shit i dont know what my neighbours sexual preferences are!” but i took a bottle of wine and soon i didnt care! have a rum or gin and get to know ur new bedtime ‘friend’ lmao
LOL you broke them?? Man alive!
lol
Oh thank you so much MoVo and friends. I don’t know which made me smile more, the post or the comments? “loan him out” “wine and dine him” “dildos have feelings too” LOVE YOU GUYS.
Have to confess, I binned my rabbit. Not a fan. Something about it sounding like my epilator.
That said, I do like to epilate next to the open bedroom window so that it sounds like a vibe. If I am feeling particularly mischievous I will throw in a few well timed moans for the gents washing their cars on a Saturday morning.
You rascal. Yeah I think the buzz would freak me out too. Surely – SURELY – someone can invent a silent vibrator?
Surely?
I ought to point out that I think both of our next door neighbours and the guy opposite possibly suffer from small penis syndrome as they all have unnecessarily MAHOOSIVE cars/4WDs. Next door one side has a monster truck AND a range rover. So I feel it’s ok to tease the little pricks on a Saturday morning with my epilating/moaning combo.
what is the point in having a silent vibrator.when that vibrator hits your sweet spot.will that meen you will be a silent woman….. i doubt it
Make sure you keep it somewhere safe. I was drying my hair this morning and turned around to my 15 month old daughter looking very pleased with herself after discovering mine under my bed. “ah darling, that’s not quite the rabbit for you… ” x x
LOL I’ve been told I need a lock box…
For the love of God woman get the rabbit!!
Ahem.
Welcome to a world of fun movo, oh and id love to see you out for dinner with it, farking hillairious
Thanks for making me giggle lol 
You’re welcome. Glad to oblige. I might even name it
x
Fantastic!!! *Suggests Derek the Dildo*
xx
Dildo Etiquette: The main thing is don’t treat him like just a piece of plastic. Wine and dine him. Take him to Karaoke and sing into him. Then pounce on him when you get home. He won’t mind being treated like a piece of meat. When you’re finished with him don’t just toss him aside. Tuck him up beside you and mutter sweet nothings in his ear. Bottom line: dildos have feelings too.
*writes all that down*
Oh god. I read the whole post and can’t get the sentence “loan him out?” out of my head ………. I wouldn’t do that if I was you. Lol.
OK I won’t
Myself and two friends all have the same vibrator, due to us all recommending it! .. when they don’t answer the phone in the evenings we know exactly what they’re up to!
Hide it well, my daughter found mine, I found it quite funny, she didn’t.
Apparently I need a lock box?
Well the undergarments drawer is not a good place for it, just saying.
Not much to it really. You just have to make sure they’re not lieing around on the floor so you don’t hurt your foot when you step on them.
Oh. Hang on a tick. I thought you meant Duplo. Sorry. My mistake. As you were.
DILDO. I said DILDO. Similar to what you had shoved up your arse?
no no motherventing what you shove up your arse (among other things ) is called a butt plug .a butt plug and a dildo are two diffrent things.for a start they are shaped diffrently.mind you the pump up butt plug needs getting used to but thats a diffrent story…ehem
i think you will find that the item to shove up your arse is a butt plug.you can get pump up plugs if you needed somthing with a bit more girth.
If you start a long and fruitful relationship with said Dildo, just don’t be tempted to fly with it in your hand luggage. Having to explain the buzzing sound in my bag to the guy at airport security was not my finest hour. Otherwise, enjoy xxx
LMAO luckily my dildo doesn’t buzz. But it would show up nicely on x-ray, I’m sure.
I’ll give you the advice my sister gave me on my wedding night:
Have a bath,
Light some candles,
Have a few glasses of wine
And get on with it!
LOL sure thing
Just take it as it comes……
Oh very good.
I think Mistress Mummy knows a thing, or two, about them Dildo Baggins things.
Me? I’d hang it around my neck, using a World of Warcraft lanyard.
That sounds fun. I think I’ll do that too.
Haha! Love how I’ve been suggested into this ;D I was bought my first vibrator for my 19th birthday, you’re missing out! Now I have a BEAST of one. And some eggs, a few bullets, a cock ring.. I could go on but I think I’ll stop there.
Never just a dildo though, surely that’s just an expensive cucumber? They’re much more fun if you let someone else play with them with you as well. Get some wine, and have a laugh!
I don’t know about anyone else, but I want to hear some more from Little Miss.
Once you’ve tried the rabbit you’ll never look back! Whole weekends can be lost to the rabbit!
*buys rabbit* *realises you don’t mean an ACTUAL rabbit* *takes back rabbit*
Oh no! If things go too well this may be the last blog post you ever write!
Farewell MoVo! Have fun! x
PMSL that is actually vair vair funny
x
Hmmmmm, can’t say a dildo has ever really done it for me, but then I’m not really one of those “cums at the mere thought of vaginal penetration gals”. A nice little vibe would be my suggestion for a beginner- something like a bullet suggested by silversparkletibby.
Good luck!
Well who knows where this will take me. Dildo one day, vibrator the next. It’s a whole new world!
Totally agree here… Vibrators ALL the way… That nice feeling you get on a particularly shaky bus or on a motorbike? THAT times a million… In exactly the right place. Buy one NOW!! And remember its not an either/or situation with”the real thing”… Get him to get involved. One of the reasons my current guy is so good is he’s not afraid to “go into the second drawer down”…
It’s a total game changer.
Excellent! Now I just need a man.
no a dildo is better than a man at least you can shut it up by pulling the battry out and it dont answer back
I’m with you. Not bothered with a dildo as a vibe suits me better. Still, do let us know if it goes well. I may buy one!
I’m sure I will blog about the, erm, outcome.
please just suction cup it somewhere!
PMSL kitchen cupboards??
Oh just shove it up there woman
You’re welcome
LMAO thanks so much
I have one, though it is RARELY used. The better thing to play with is the “bullet”, now THERE is a good time! ;p
Oh now I’ve heard of those
Lisa tweeted you the link on the twitter but just in case any of you readers are interested…
http://www.singleswarehouse-xxx.co.uk/2012/06/boobaloos-beginners-guide-to-sex-toys/
Lily xxx
Thanks! I’ll have a read later
dildos and dildon’ts zomg – i have the actual jealously disease so badly all I can possibly say is shove it …
Mahahahahahahahha