Pets
OK. Y’all know how mild-mannered and easygoing I am, yeah? Well, I’m about to declare summat that will REALLY make a lot of people think slightly differently of me. It’s a very controversial subject. Very incendiary. I’m going to be outcast from society after I say this. Like a pariah. With an extraordinary arse. But a pariah, nonetheless.
Here goes.
I don’t like pets.
Hate them, in fact.
They are stupid. Stupid pets. All they are are ANIMALS that live in your HOUSE. How lame is that? Animals live in fields, innit. Or, erm, underground. Or the sky. Or zoos. Not houses. Especially not my house. No way! My house is minging enough as it is, why would I want animal shizzle crapping up the place as well?
I feel very strongly about this, but only just feel brave enough to admit it cos, y’know, people get a bit precious about pets. Whatevs. You love your pets, fine. Love them. Just know that, essentially, having a pet means cleaning up after it all the time, and then they die. I like to admire animals from afar. Like, the lions in Africa are GREAT, just don’t be a lion in my kitchen. I would not appreciate that. That is why we have TVs, so that we can watch these great animals in their natural habitats without having to worry about them taking a dump behind the sofa or eating us.
Pets. What good pets are there? None. I once attempted to buy some fish. The idea of pink gravel in a goldfish bowl pleased me more than the notion of having a fish, I guess. I got as far as discovering you can’t just buy a fish and tip it into a bowl – they need to acclimatise and the water needs to be AERATED – FFS – and then I v rapidly lost interest. Cats? Nah, too spiky. Dogs are too needy. Gerbils and hamsters are too small and squeaky. Rabbits are evil. Guinea pigs look like they panic a lot. Reptiles are creepy. Birds in cages is just WRONG. The only pet I may consider ever getting is a tortoise and that’s only cos they sleep for most of the year and you can keep them in a box. What other pets are there?
I have a child who can’t clean up after herself. That is work enough. Why complicate matters by adding a WILD BEAST to the mix? Unfortunately Moo seems genuinely fascinated by animals – all animals, dammit – and I can see I’m going to have many battles on my hands when she gets old enough to demand we get a pet.
Oh and one last thing. People who call themselves ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ in reference to their pet? That is EEEEWWWW. Stop it. You did not conceive nor give birth to the animal. Please don’t act like you did. Eeeewwww.
So c’mon. How unpopular am I now? I don’t like pets. This makes me some kind of monster, yeah?
Got any good pet stories?
Just came across your blog, had me laughing out loud and even showed the other half, which I don’t think I have ever felt compelled to do with a blog before. Your writing is so fresh and alive
I had a dog for many years, but I did sometimes find myself wondering how I came to be living with an animal in the house. It is kind of weird when you think about it isn’t it.
Thank you, you can come back any time
What’s even weirder are people who have animals in cages in their house. Think about it. Just bizarro.
The whole idea of choosing to own an animal, bring it into your home and then spending hours cleaning up its crap is frankly ridiculous.
My son, however, has stick insects. Sixteen of them to be precise. All because he found a shield bug in the garden and after keeping it for three days I suggested he release it, he sat on the lawn and sobbed. Literally sobbed. So we have stick insects and he adores them x
But stick insects are so spindly. I’d be worried about snapping them accidentally. And also, eeewwww. But glad your son enjoys them
x
Why are rabbits evil?
Just look at their eyes. Pink eyed rabbits are the most evil.
Goats are more evil, thank god we don’t keep them in the house, but I get your point. I hate cats, I’m sure they spend the whole day (and I mean the whole day) judging us – who need it, I have two teenage daughters to do that.
I come to speak for the pet lovers!
I prefer pets to children. Show me babies and I’m like “whatever” (Liam Lynch flashback?!!?), show me puppies and my insides melt instantaneously. Pets are quieter and often better behaved, and in some cases make good company.
This is probably because my mum had every pet under the sun as I was growing up so I’m acclimatised to these shenanigans. Highest count was I believe 12 animals in one go in our house. Rabbits, Canaries, a guinea pig, rats, mice, gerbils, dogs, tropical fish, a rescued pigeon from Palmerston Road (don’t even ask) and a lorikeet (who lived loose in the bathroom and often ha free reign of the house. Tip of the iceberg. I think ive blocked some of them from my memory.
I love a good animal, however now as an adult, I wouldn’t choose some off them myself.
mice though cute are too timid. Can’t do shit all with a mouse except watch it poop.
The gerbils, I don’t remember much of, hamsters are the same, More of a novelty.
The guinea pig (Inde) liked a good cuddle, but you DAREN’T get her out without sitting her on an allocated towel because boy can they PISS FOR ENGLAND.
The rabbits (Sooty when I was younger, don’t remember him, and Topaz after the last dog died. Topaz was AMAZING! You had to house him right cuz they can chew through EVERYTHING but boy was he good. He was cuddly, and friendly, liked to share a carrot or an apple with you,* and he would play with you in the garden. If you do that “binking” thing rabbits do, he copied you. He was fun. Died of leukaemia though age about 3.
Tropical fish were cool, but all the good ones (particularly the Japanese fighting fish called Jonathan and Jane after Jonathan Ross and his wife) died. A lot. Emma’s tried getting goldfish for Ava and she’s killed NINE of them…and counting.
The lorikeet was fun. Not when we got her. My mum spent my dad’s bonus from work on her. He was not impressed. And she HATED him. She was called Rainbow Scarlet. Scarlet in the shop, we added the rainbow. She could TALK. She could say her name, my name, hello, thank you. All that lark. She would make the most adorable “happy” noises and she had a sort of jig she did when she was happy. She would preen your hair, like she does her feathers, and it was RUDDY RELAXING. The down side really was that lorikeets permanently have the mental age of a toddler. Naturally, she would have a good squinny and also, she poops while flying, usually hitting you on your way out to work. She died at 13 years.
the rats were the best. If you didn’t keep a good eye on them when you get them out they can cause havoc eating through things as well bit they are shockingly intelligent, and amazingly sociable. I believe they are up there with monkeys and dolphins for intelligence. They LOVE company and they make good stress relief. Lapis Lasuli, the boy, and Lotus, the girl (who my mum found in the garden under the shed) were my favourite. Lapis used to squeeze the end of my finger with his hand like he was holding onto me. Lotus used to spring out of bed the minute I appeared because she wanted to come and sit with me. I’d let her out when I finished work and I would get in bed and watch tv, and she would curl up in a ball under my chin and fall asleep. Those two were like little people. Rats only live for 2 years though if you’re lucky and that’s the only thing that puts me off having them because I can’t deal with it.
Lastly, the dogs. Sadie, Defer, Sezmek, Kizmet, and Jasper. Sadie got put down because I opened the front door as a small child and she ran across the road and bit a man with shopping bags. No idea why she did but that’s where that ended. Defer, as a toddler, I put my face in her mouth when she was snoring and she accidentally caught my eye when she startled, unsurprisingly. Sezmek and Kizmet were around the same time. Sezmek liked to eat poo. Cat poo, fox poo, my nappy poo, she LOVED it all. Kizmet was a big, black, Alsation cross Lab. Proper guard dog in his own home. Outside, terrified of everything. Particularly vans, ladders, kites, and things that go bang. Fireworks were the worst. He would go into such a frenzy of fear he would dig like his life depended on it. This resulted in all the carpets in the house being shredded. Jasper you know all about, he fecking LOVES me, and he’s hilarious. He’s the least trouble of all the dogs.
Having pets can be difficult, but they make good companions, they teach children to be responsible and thoughtful for other living creates, and they can be a downright laugh. That look of unwavering adoration that a dog gives you, there is nothing that equals it.
Man I want a dog.
See: Cujo. That is all.
I once bummed a donkey and punched out a llama that spat at one of my wing men, Allistair.
I am of course joking. I feel the need to say this as there are some people out there who fail to get jokes at the moment.
Or am I?
Another wonderful excellent post from you. You are the excellent. I love your blog. I love your posts. But I’ve noticed how you are not in the top pages of the Googling Searchers when I types in the word ‘spaff.’
I will endeavour to improve my spaff count.
To even the balance, I will stand up and be counted. I love dogs, not least because they keep my waist going in at the middle. When my old dogs couldn’t walk anymore I put on soooooo much weight, now with new pup I am getting back my pert butt thanks to huge walks twice a day. Without said dog, no way would I go out like that in rain. I also hate sweaty gyms so it’s my trade off. Dogs also build up kids immunities to germs so cannot even tell you last time I visited a doctor with either of the kids – it’s been years (aged 6 & 9). On downside, I hoover twice a day, wash floors every day – that dog costs me a fortune (anything for a trim figure). Can’t take him to visit my sister as she managed to get her kids to the grand age of 16 without a single pet – she hates them all – was going to be mean and buy them one, but it would have only added to my mini-farm. p.s., I am not a fan of my rabbit, but he has a palace and run at the bottom of my garden and I barely see him.
LMAO thank you for being pro-pet. I always like a balanced discussion
I love pets! And animals. I’m am practically Dr Doolittle (in many senses of the word). I have shed-loads of them. Well, actually not shed-loads, because they…live in my ACTUAL HOUSE. Shudder, all of you, shudder. I have two dogs – one is the size of a hippo at 57kgs – and two cats that looks like white powder puffs, and four chickens that sometimes comes into the kitchen in search of cornflakes the kids have dropped on the floor at breakfast, and Hamster #2. I say #2 because #1 was eaten by the Hippo Dog a few months ago. I had a horse growing up and they do seven or eight craps a day and their craps are the size of about fifteen kid-size ones, so that’s like cleaning up, um, well you do the maths, tonnes of crap a day. But my horse used to rest her chin on my shoulder and nuzzle me if I was crying about something teenagery and that sort of made up for the crap.
xx
*shriek* Remind me not to visit? Your house? I don’t want to be eaten by the hippo dog
You are not a hamster. You are safe from the hippo dog.
*gulp*
Never mind pets. I’m not sure you’ve ever fully informed us what is so extraordinary about your backside…!
It is just extraordinary. Innit.
I also hate pets. But its taken me a dog, a rabbit, three chickens, a duck, a budgie and some fish to realise this. After I gave up work to have my kids and we bought a house with a big garden I had this image in my head of ‘the good life’. And we got all the pets. And most of them died. A fox killed all the birds. The rabbit got old. The fish just died as fish do tend to. Except the dog which thankfily did not die but we re homed due to him wrecking mine. And now I vow and declare I will never ever ever ever again own a pet. Never. Ever.
*high five* I respect you, missus. That is hardcore. Pets suck.
I bought a puppy literally a day before I found out I was pregnant nearly 3 years ago. Raising a puppy and a child is not for the faint-hearted. It’s for the downright demented. Don’t ever, ever, ever do it. If you’re not cleaning up after one, it’s the other and the daily cycle of dog walking, then park visiting, then dog walking again is like a daily waking hell.
I’m not ever going to do that. Have no fear.
I actually love my dog as much as my kids!!! However…..I’ve had other pets, they just don’t seem to live very long!!
My last bereavement was a cute fluffy rabbit, belonging to my middle son. That would be the aspie son. It was dead a week before he actually realised! Even though he had been out messing in the garden…….where her run had been!
I do understand the whole baby thing *shudder* makes my toes curl, my dog is my pet!!
You love your dog as much as your kids? Man alive. *shakes head slowly*
lmao!!! that was supposed to say ‘ I love my dog almost as much as my kids! ‘ hmmmm wondering if that was a freudian slip now though? I mean I would rather stay at home with the dog while the hubby took the kids away! hmmmm lol x
LOL you’re not helping yourself…
x
AMEN! I totally and utterly dislike pets too! I had a cute dog once, but it was so much work that I soon realised that it would have a better life in a farm, outdoor. Rabbits smell, dogs leave hair everywhere, birds shit all over their cages and cats…they make me sneeze and give asthma, they are the EVIL!
Luckily Miss G loves her Italian nonna, so, no matter how much she might like a pet, if she wants to fly to her pet-adverse nonna every couple of months she can’t have a pet at home. That simple!
now go and find yourself a close relative abroad whom the Moo loves to visit…
Erm. Can Moo have your nonna too?
I have pets, but they are outside, where they belong. We rescued some kittens that someone had abandoned on the side of the road (which happens a lot in the sticks) and had to keep them inside until they got old enough but other than that, no pets in the house. Two kids that make gigantic messes are enough. I don’t think you’re a monster either.
Mahahahaahahahahah I like that your pets are outside. Well done you
Okay, oddly enough, I fall on both sides of the fence with this one. We had a hamster until a few months ago when she went bald, decrepit and promptly died. I’ve said I’ll never have a caged animal again, I don’t see the point of them any more. They live in a cage, are invariably nocturnal so you don’t see the fuckers all day but they come out at night to rattle their cage and keep the whole family awake. I also couldn’t own certain breeds of dog, my Nan had a Lhasa Apso who would go for a poo EVERY night just before dinner and my Nan had to cut shit out of his fur regularly. GRIM.
However…
We have a dog, he’s a rescue Bull Terrier cross and he’s one of the best things we’ve ever done. When my Husband worked nights and I had a newborn baby, he was my company, my alarm system and probably the sole reason I got any sleep. He’s an amazing companion and is just the most amazing, loving creature. And the bonus is, he’s short haired, so he doesn’t make a mess and he rarely smells.
So yeah. I’m SO with you on this…and also, YOU HEARTLESS WITCH!
PMSL OK OK, you are EXCUSED cos you have a nice dog. Sounds like he was much needed. But, erm, thanks for shit-in-dog-hair story. No, really. *boak*
I love pets – but they belong outside. Dogs and cats shedding hair all over the house is just wrong. Having said that, as a child I had a pet kangaroo (really) and she was a house pet…. coolest pet ever. Nothing comes close after that.
OMFG! A KANGAROO?? That is pretty farking awesome. I might make an exception for the kangaroo. Now I want a kangaroo.
Foul monster, you! I stand here aghast!
I love pets and animals. Anything that’s fluffy, spiky, shiny, scaly, anything really. However, I really can’t be bothered since our really evil cat moved out/got run over the other year. I do genuinely love animals, but they are hard work and little people have a habit of taking up any energy you may have had. And you can’t just go on holiday without spending more on accommodation for your pet than you paid for the family – slumming it in 2 star crappy self-catering while the pampered pooch lives in country-side luxury having its every whim indulged.
I love animals, but I’m over keeping one for a good few years. At least until the little person demands a pony and I can barter her down to a gerbil. :/
OMFG Moo is so going to want a pony. I am dreading it. I’ll send her to live with you
Uhhhh…. well, um…. yeah. You been watching too much Neighbours again? Just ’cause they all give away their kids to random neighbours or long lost rellies, doesn’t mean you can! :p
WHAT? Are you sure? Damn.
I hate pets too. We had a pet hamster once. I had occasion to throw it at my bedroom door once. Which sounds cruel, but wasn’t really.
My in-laws have a greyhound. The best thing about that is being able to make it fall over sideways quite easily.
Jesus. I’m a terrible person aren’t I?
I am PMSL at you. But in a good way. You’re a bit terrible. Just a bit.
Other people’s pets are okay, but I couldn’t be bothered looking after one.
Too much faffing around, and stuff.
You could get a picture of a pet? Much less work.
probably wouldn’t surprise you that I have had some odd pets in my time; ferrets, a one legged parrot, a giant African land snail, stick insects, Xenopus toads, oh and some normal ones like cats. I don’t have any at the moment because my husband and I, when we got together, had the “shall we have kids in the future” chat, but forgot to have the “when the cat dies, can I have another one” chat. So my lovely cat of 18 years died 4 years ago, never to be replaced (or so husband thinks, I’ve got my daughter working on him!)
LMAO just sneak one in there? Then be all like, ‘Oh where did that cat come from? May as well keep it’. He can’t object then.
Haha I love you for this post! I absolutely despise pets, I just don’t get why you would want a stinking animal living in your house. They cost a fortune, restrict how long you can be away from your house, make your house stink, then like you said, they just go and die. I never had pets in the house when I was growing up so to me it is abnormal to share living space with a furry beast. When I first moved in with Matt, he was still living in his mums house and they had a very old dog, it used to go around the house will diarrhoea dribbling out of its bum all the time and it scarred me for life. I know Iyla will want pets eventually, she loves animals but it will never happen! X
EEEEWWWWWWW now why do people put up with diarrhoea dribble?? You wouldn’t from a HUMAN. FFS. People who have pets are WEIRD. I’m so glad you agree with me
xx