Cyclist
I don’t drive. There are many reasons for this. Mainly cos I’d be shit at it. The few times I’ve tried I screamed a lot and flailed. Probably best not to flail while driving. Anyway, yes, I’d be shit at it, and also, partly mainly, cos I don’t trust ANYBODY else out there in the world who can drive a vehicle. I’ve seen some crazy-ass driving by some crazy-ass drivers, and by all accounts, even the most sensible of folk can become mentalissimo when placed behind the wheel of a hunk of moving metal. So. I know I’ll be a shit driver, therefore, I don’t drive. Other people are not so scrupulous. And, today, I can safely say the same about some cyclists.
Maybe I’m not the best candidate for driving lessons, but I do know some basic highway code shizzle. And when I say basic, I mean BASIC. Like, BAAAAASIC. Innit. Namely: red light means stop. I know that. Red = stop. Always. It means STOP for all of us. For me, and you, you, and you. And especially YOU, Mr Cyclist, who nevertheless decided today that the red light actually meant fark all to him and his two-wheeled machine of doom. Idiot. Thankfully, nothing happened. But it almost so very did. Had I stepped onto the road – guided by the green man – a moment earlier, then Mr Cyclist and his cunting bike would have ploughed into the buggy carrying my daughter. All because he couldn’t be ARSED to stop at a farking RED LIGHT.
As it was, he went through the stop signal, round the corner and passed within a hand’s breadth of the front of the buggy, close enough for me to exclaim out loud, and for the old lady just behind me to audibly gasp in anticipation of a collision.
Like I said, no collision. But I was shaken up something rotten. Just to torture myself, I imagine what might have happened had Mr Cyclist swerved or, I dunno, he had been a car or something. Doesn’t really bear thinking about. Farking idiot.
I’m not saying all cyclists are bastards. No way. Just that one. I hexed him as he cycled away. So he should be getting a nice fresh bout of penis rot soon. Along with squiffy-eye, mouldy ear drum, and leaping gonad boils. Only the best hexes for an irresponsible vehicularist.
Ah I feel better now. That’s been niggling at me all afternoon. Nowt like a bout of pedestrian rage to invoke a teensy bit of venting. Now it’s your turn. Road rage? Pedestrian rage? Who has pissed you off on the glorious byways of Britain today?
I was walking along the other day, on the pavement, pushing Ethan in the buggy when a cyclist came out of nowhere, whizzed past us, nearly bumping me. I was so surprised I actually shouted “err, sorry!”. Of course, I’ve been hitting myself since. Cyclists should not be on the bloody pavement!!
Many’s the time I’ve stepped out at a crossing when the green man is telling me to only to have a car drive through the red light narrowly missing me and the buggy. It’s stopped amazing me now.
Hubby is a cyclist, he cycles to work and takes every precaution he can, helmet, lights, bell, high vis clothing etc.. but he’s still had so many narrow escapes and a minor knock once (only damage to his bike).
Quite often as a pedestrian I feel it’s a case of when I get hit, not if…..
That’s terrible! Cars that run red lights should be reported, don’t they have cameras on traffic lights now? I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t think about it too much, or we’d never go out.
There are bad cyclists and there are good cyclists, likewise there are bad drivers and good drivers, and having been in four motor vehicle accidents (none my fault), two of those accidents while on a city bus, I have seen it all.
Of course. I totally agree. There are good/bad pedestrians as well! Just wish some people had more common sense, is all.
My favourite road rage tale relates to a twat who tried to run me over as I was using a pedestrian crossing in Stafford. I was wearing steel toe-capped motocross boots at the time. Even I was surprised at the amount of damage one kick can do to a new car wing. Happy days!
You are hardcore
Not really. I couldn’t fight my way out of a paper bag but I’m so big that no-one ever tries.
PMSL
I like the points idea. I ve had several run ins with cyclists hurtling across crossings and down pavements. My issue is that I can’t see them I rely a lot on hearing to cross roads & when walking & bikes are very hard to hear. That’s not really an issue when they ride sensibly but when they zoom along the pavement & don’t stop at crossings I find it very scary. So cycle tests with licences & enforcing laws sounds good to me
I’m writing to DavCam to suggest this. I reckon he’ll listen to little old me
hope your ok, i like the penis rot hex, made me chuckle
Yeah I’m fine. Penis rot one of my best
i know some people who could do with a case of vag rot if they already havent got it!
LMAO OK OK I’ll work on that hex too
lets get round the cauldrons!
I think I have met that very cyclist – or there are two of them, I had the exact same thing happen
Oh FFS. Prob same guy. I’ll hex him again, to be on the safe side.
If you could I’d be very grateful. I don’t drive for the same reasons you don’t and I don’t hex for those reasons either, you wouldn’t want any flailing going on during hexing
Oh I don’t flail when I hex, I’m too good
Someone did this to my mum once. She was walking the dog (a LARGE dog) in the park and he had one of those extendable leads. Now my mum, being in a wheelchair, was moving along at a reasonable speed, whereas the dog, being a dog, shot ahead across the path and was sniffing something intently.
Along comes a cyclist down the path, listening to music. Despite my mum shouting at him to stop, he rode right into the extended lead, dragged the dog backward by his neck, and got the shock of his life. The dog was fine, aside from a severe fear of bicycles from that day forward, but this cyclist was a retard.
I, as a cyclist, have experienced many near death almost accidents at the mercy of ignorant drivers who decide to cut across the front of you, to turn a corner, as you’re going DOWN A HILL. Nearly hit the window thanks to that nobber. Others because people are INCAPABLE of indicating. Personally. I feel people should have to re-take their tests.
I have seen bad cyclists, who cut across main road moving traffic, without looking around, or indicating, because all of a sudden, they decide they want to turn into the road on the far right. IDIOT.
Frequently, I get pedestrians, looking at their phones or listening to music who step into the road without looking, because I don’t make the sound of the o-zone layer tearing as I approach. Although these people I purposely try and squeak my brakes as loud as possible to share the shit out of them so they might remediable to look next time.
This cyclist sounds like an inconsiderate retard. My only comments potentially in his defence, playing devils advocate, is that from my own experience, if you are coming close to a light and it’s turned amber, and you are riding fast, if you slam on the breaks, the bike skids, shreds the tyres, and you lose control, so sometimes it is safer to keep going. HOWEVER, this is dependent on the conditions. He should have been more aware though!
Also, everyone pisses me off always. The accounts lady phoned up today to say that I haven’t sent them a post list for the 29th July. You’ve made an error they say. This is wrong they squark. Until you point out to them that the 29th was a fucking SUNDAY and the office is CLOSED and instead of WASTING YOUR TIME while you’re trying to deal with CLIENT MATTERS that BRING IN MONEY, they could have looked at a flipping CALENDAR and arrived at that conclusion themselves. FFS. This is the life of a legal secretary, in case anyone wondered.
That is a vent and a half. Feel better now?
I got hit by a bastarding cyclist when I worked in London. Green man. I was crossing with a herd of commuters. Stupid knobbing cyclist shot straight through & clipped my hand. Big lump & bruise. He didn’t stopped. He was gone in a nanosecond so I didn’t even get a chance to hurl abuse … or a brick.
*hexes him for you*
This happened to me when I was pregnant, I was actually cutting out of work to nip to Primark and buy a replacement top as I’d just had morning sickness all over mine and a complete pranny of a woman rode into the side of me, then proceeded to scream at me for having the cheek to be in the road. All I remember is her shouting “IT’S MY RIGHT OF WAY, IT’S MY RIGHT OF WAY” at me.
My Husband, on the other hand, is a cyclist and not a driver too and is very proficient and safe.
Of course. Most cyclists are brilliant. It’s just the idiots who spoil it for everyone else.
Some cyclist are loons, there’s no other words for it. Many of them in Oxford seem to think motorists can see them in the dark at all times, so don’t bother with lights! Mad
Blimey. I don’t have a bike either, but if I did I’d make damn sure I rode it safely
My bike is a tad on the unridable side after spending a couple of years outside through snow, rain and the such. But I was a very safe cyclist (even safer now I’m not out on it!)
LOL
In Cambridge they are everywhere, including on the pavements, which makes walking around with young children especially hard. I was almost run over by a cocking unicyclist once.
I think if cyclists do something illegal then, if they hold a driving licence, they should be liable for points penalties. I am a cyclist and doing shit like that is illegal.
Don’t get me started on texting and driving.
Farking unicyclists.
Agree with you on the points thing. Doesn’t matter if you’re in a car or on a bike, you don’t run a farking red light. Full the stop.
Hmmm I don’t know, we have a lot of cyclists round here who wish to use the road but not adhere to the road rules!
Glad you are ok and survived the experience to share with us.
Ah thanks, yeah it was a close one.
I had a cyclist run a red at a crossing the other day too. I was in my car, but it still pissed me off. So I ran him over by accident, a couple of times.*
*Not true, but don’t check under my patio.
LMAO that did just make me actually LMAO (and now I’m a bit scared of you)
I had a teen driver almost plough down my 3 year old! Man went green we walked she went bombing through red light,police were other side and didnt bat an eyelid. If I hadnt of pulled her back, she would have been a gonner x
Ack Jeezus, that makes me go green as well
My neighbour. We live in a nice clear street. Plenty of parking spots. Yet they choose to subject their criminal parking on us by continually parking badly across the bottom of driveway that we share. If they could park straight it wouldn’t be so bad but their attempts at parking are laughable given the size of their cars.
Yet they have the temerity to complain to the council (who then issue tickets) when the students from the 6th form college nearby, park so much as a whisker over their dropped kerb.
D’you want me to hex them?
Given their unfortunate appearance, i reckon someone got there first. But once more for luck can’t hurt, can it? x
*puts on hexing hat*
Same happened to me last week (and he was on the wrong side of the road) and, when my daughter was two, she nearly got flattened by a maniac speeding along the pavement and he got shirty with me for getting shirty. Told the police who said they didn’t like to enforce the no cycling on pavement penalties because some cyclists may not have understood the notices. Pity car clampers don’t take that line…
‘some cyclists may not have understood the notices’?? That is the lamest lame excuse I have ever heard. Shocking.
Maybe they should tell that to my friend who has no bike lights and rides on pavements, and rode into a drunk woman getting out of a taxi, WHILE SHE HERSELF WAS DRUNK.
Don’t worry, I gave her a royal EARFULL when she told me this story because she thought it was HUMEROUS! >.<
I had a cyclist nearly run my buggy over running a red light a T junction once. I made an impatient sort of gesture; she said ‘But cyclists don’t have to stop at red lights’ and rode off before I could scream ‘Even if that is true, not at red lights for pedestrian crossings you numpty!’ I did get to make a much ruder gesture though.
What? No, they have to stop! Don’t they? That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe any cyclist would think that they don’t have to stop! Esp if people are crossing!!
I think there was some talk about cyclists not having to stop at certain red lights in London at least. The perils of having a bonkers mayor who cycles. However, I am pretty sure that anything involving pedestrians wasn’t one of the exemptions.
That is CRAZY *jaw drops*