I hate being a grown up. Being a grown up sucks giant perspiring arse balls. When I was a child I thought being a grown up would be farking marvellous, mostly cos you could go to bed late and eat chocolate WHENEVER YOU WANTED TO. That is what constituted being a grown up, for me.
But no. When you’re a kid, NO ONE tells you what it’s ACTUALLY LIKE being a grown up. You don’t get lessons in school in Grown Upness. No special TV programmes or educational videos to watch. Not even a farking pamphlet. They just blithely let you grow up, with no bloody warning at all, and then BAM – you’re grown up, and floundering, and all the older grown ups are laughing bitterly as they watch you become as disillusioned and as twisted as they were.
So what’s the deal with being a grown up?
You have to pay for stuff – if I’d known that, I’d have got a proper job AGES ago. When I was little, I thought that anyone could get books published, you had to just write the damn things. And erm, draw the pictures. So I’d construct my own ‘books’ – inevitably but thrillingly titled ‘The Adventures Of… [something or other]‘ and then INSIST that my mum send it off to be published at once. I suspect she just chucked ‘em in the bin. They were pretty shit, to be honest. Which is why I probably should have been a doctor, or done some law, or summat. Then I’d have had some money to, like, PAY for things, like rent and food, and rum.
You can eat chocolate whenever you want to – yeah but you also have to EXERCISE because NO ONE tells you that eating chocolate, or cake, or biscuits, or sweets, will ACTUALLY bring you a LIFETIME OF MISERY as all the good stuff just makes you fat and unwieldy, and rots away yer insides. Eating a chocolate bar means you have to do at least fifty push ups and a cycle ride straight away afterwards to cancel out the calories. Eating a doughnut means you have to do two hundred star jumps and swim the Channel, if you want to retain your lithe frame. See? Hard farking work. It’s like we have a little bit of joy, but it comes with a price. Bastards.
You have to drive cars - I don’t even drive, and I know I have to drive cars. Driving is stupidly essential cos they put all the good stuff just a little bit out of reach, like the nearest Lidl, or the countryside. I can’t face getting on a bus with other stupid non-driving people and entertaining a recalcitrant Moo until we reach somewhere vaguely interesting and then having to come all the way back cos the buses only run twice a day or summat. If I could drive, I’d be in the car ALL THE TIME, just going places and not worrying about timetables and fares. Unfortunately, I never bothered learning to drive, mainly cos NO ONE TOLD ME that it would be STUPID if I couldn’t drive when I was grown up.
You can drink alcohol – which is GREAT but as I get older, drinking alcohol is becoming a bit less manageable. D’you know what I mean? Remember when you were a student and you could go out drinking vodka shots all night and then still arrive for a 9am lecture with your faculties intact and nary a wibble to your jaunty strut? Yeah? Well those days are over, my friend. Now, you can have ONE SMALL GLASS of wine of an evening, and that is sufficient to ensure that you will be horrendously hungover for the ENTIRE NEXT DAY. Drinking alcohol now you’re a grown up is such a farking chore.
Spots – you still get spots. Even though I exited my teenage years MILLENNIA ago. Farking SPOTS.
You can stay up late and watch whatever you want on TV – excuse me a moment… MAHAHAHAHAHAHA. See this cruelty? You thought the grown ups had all the fun once you went to bed, as a child? WHATEVS. Fark knows what they did. You try this shit now and you’re SCREWED, cos there’s NOTHING ON TV. Not now, not ever. It’s all BALLS. I don’t know why we EVER thought it was brilliant to stay up late. I get antsy if I’m awake past 9pm now. Early bedtimes are the best. Fact.
Right now I can’t think of ANYTHING great about being a grown up. So enlighten me, please. Or just tell me what you thought would be fab about being a grown up, but actually turned out to be shite.
Hopefully I’ll be in a better mood tomorrow. Hmph.