Shocked
Look! This is my shocked face: :-0
Are you shocked to see my shocked face? Does it shock you to know that not a lot shocks me? Is that shocking? Are YOU now doing a shocked face? Have I used the word ‘shocked’ enough now that it almost bears no meaning and is a seemingly random jumble of letters? No? Shocking.
I was going to write a post about how not a lot shocks me these days, but after some consideration I can state that actually, yeah, I am shocked by stuff on a regular basis, it’s just the Big Stuff that EVERYONE should be shocked by, like the crap going down in Syria, or the spectacular fark up that is the Olympics, or that ANYONE ON EARTH would be opposed to gay marriage – y’know, important shizzle. I should really stop watching the news, I just get so supremely shocked by it all.
But some stuff? Nah. Not shocked. I’m so worldly, me. Well, I’m not, but I like to think I am. Fairly unflappable, could be how I might describe my usual mien. Flap me? You can TRY. I am unflappable. And all that.
So imagine my shock at being shocked about something that came up on Twitter t’other day.
Yes, that’s right, I was SHOCKED at being SHOCKED. Because I did not think I would BE shocked at such a thing. Me being someone who shares her menstrual cycle ins-and-outs with thousands of people, me being someone who has posted photos of her stretchy-flabby flip-flap bits online, me being someone who is QUITE HAPPY to broadcast the fact that I haven’t done a poo in a while to my captive audience – surely there is nothing that could shock me quite so shockingly easily?
Yet, I was shocked.
This is what shocked me so:
(I can barely type it)
(my hands are shaking)
(also my throat is a bit dry)
It turns out that some people use Twitter while
they
are on
the
…
toilet.
EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW.
That’s right. Some people TWEET WHILE THEY ARE DOING A POO.
:-0
How gross is that?? That’s gross, right? It is gross? It’s not just me being weird, that IS GROSS, YEAH?
I mean, WHY would you? What extremely important tweet cannot wait until you have finished your business? I understand that sometimes, if you’re mid-convo, it can be frustrating to have to stop and attend to something else, but SERIOUSLY. Poo time is sacred. Take time to poo properly. DON’T TWEET AND SHIT SIMULTANEOUSLY. Think of the germs. And the potential of rupturing. And what if - HEAVEN FORFEND – you dropped your phone down the toilet?? Disaster. On a global scale. Worse, I might surmise, than the Olympics.
After I was made privy (geddit?) to this piece of information – namely, that folk shite and talk shite at the same time – I have to admit, I decided to try it. I took my phone into the loo. I had a timely brewing within, and I thought I could give it a go.
BUT I COULDN’T BRING MYSELF TO DO IT.
Because it’s WRONG.
I just did my poo and then tweeted afterwards. With CLEAN HANDS and sound mind. And an unblemished soul.
Shocking. I was shocked.
Do you find this shocking? Or are you *recoils* one of these tweet-anywhere folks?
What was the last thing you found truly shocking?
:-0 << my shocked face again. In case you forgot what it looked like.
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I’ve got some creative ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great site and I look forward to seeing it improve over time.
Any emails send to motherventing@gmail.com
I have a friend who’s Facebook status has said not once, but TWICE that he has ‘dropped his phone down the Kermit’. We call him Oaf.
That is a fitting nomenclature.
My phone isn’t high tech enough so I could tweet with it, but I never take it with me to the toilet! I’m always scared I’ll phone someone by accident or something… Which is quite odd, but I can’t stand the idea that someone would hear me… Imagine! I’d die!
I KNOW! Exactly. It’s the same thing. Like everyone’s listening to you! HORROR!
:-0 indeed. This has got me worrying how many people i have conversed with who are in mid poo? Tis is almost as bad as finding a pile of grubby paperbacks or magazines in the smallest room. WHO wants to read them after someone else has had their germy hands all over them for goodnes sake?
(Oh, and the brown trout thing was everso slightly over the top, but clever nonetheless)
Don’t encourage him!!
*holds hands up*
I tweet anywhere. Well, not ANYwhere, I don’t tweet during sex, for example but yes, I check Twitter in the smallest room but tweet with clean hands after…
And I have never, to the best of my knowledge, tweeted you from there…
Never. I think…..
Oh WOMAN. I am still shocked.
I have to say I have never tweeted from the loo. Although I my have a go?!
NOOOOOOO do not!
I’m afraid I am guilty of this sin, it’s one of the only places you can be left in peace! :p
Eeeewwwww
Multitasking, its what we’re good at. Besides, its not like it touches the loo. I rest it on the radiator for serious business. Number 2′s can take a while, you need entertainment :p
So was it the fact that you contemplated a Tweet while pooing that actually finally got the ummm poo ball rolling as it were?
NO.
I use the computer while on the toilet all the time. If I can get away from the kiddo for a few minutes and check email, check Twitter, whatever, while in a locked bathroom, I’m gonna use it. No shame.
No but the GERMS!
I was shocked at my friend’s recent facebook status:
“Yesterday I ate a home-made rhubarb crumble in the full knowledge that it had been cooked specially for someone else. Later I went to the loo, photographed the resulting dump and sent the picture to the intended crumble recipient saying “This is what’s
left of your crumble”. On my weird-sense-of-humour scale, this may be a new low, even for me.”
I have no words…
Oh my gawd, are you friends with complete psychos??
Well, I follow you on Twitter, so make your own judgment about that
Tweeting on the toilet. WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?
But wait a mo.
Some read while sitting on the nest.
Some send an early morning text to the office after a cock a doodle poo wakes them up.
Some prefer a tantric shit rather than just a quick hop on the pan.
I’ve read Shakespeare composed sonnets on the chod. Paul Daniels does magic on his. Blumenthal sometimes thinks up recipes while serving up his own special brown trout.
But yeah. You’re right. It’s wrong. Unless it’s not. In which case it’s right and okay, and you’re just wrong.
‘special brown trout’!? Oh FFS
And I’m right, btw
There was a young lady on Twitter
Who sent tweets while she strained on the shitter
But the splash was so bad
It soaked her iPad
So now she just tweets on cat litter.
*applause*
I just get shocked when people discuss with me what they do on the toilet.
NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW. WHY WOULD WE WANT TO KNOW.
I DON’T KNOW. I also don’t want to know if that’s where people are WHILE they’re tweeting. Cos then I get pictures in my head
I can’t deny it. I’ve had a good old scroll through my timeline on occasion. I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED.
Where do we stand on taking literature with us for poo-time? I find I panic and can’t go if I don’t have something to distract me.
I really don’t know why I just told you that.
I don’t know why you told me that either. I feel like I know you intimately now.
I was going to buy a t-shirt on Ebay : I twitter on the Shitter
Damn, Kerry beat me to it.
You so bought it.