Friends
Friends. Friends are good, yeah? There’s songs about them. And TV sitcoms that revolve around groups of them. Literary novels and epic poems written in their honour. They’re everywhere. Look! A friend! How lovely. I love my friends. Y’all are supery-dupery niceness on a plate, with added shmink and rum cocktails. Innit.
We need friends. Friends get us through all the troublesome bits of our lives. They lift you above the scummy patches. They make you lemonade when all you got is lemons. Or something. I’ve counted on my friends A LOT in recent times and I am truly grateful to every single one of them. Makes me feel all warm and squishy inside, it does. Though that could be the rum cocktails.
This is why I am ruminating on friendship: I’ve been worrying the last week whether it is possible to remain friends with my ex. I mean, sure, it is POSSIBLE. But do I want to? This is a man I am still married to, but separated from. By all accounts we now lead different lives. He has his friends, a new job starting soon which means a move to a different city, opportunities to get on with things afresh and – ostensibly – without my input. Fine; fair enough. Am happy with that. I’m doing my own kind of moving on. We’re cool. It’s groovy.
But friends? Like I said, friends do good things for you. They’re yo buddies, ya mates. I can’t think that I’d call my ex if I needed a good sob about my love life. Ack, no. Similarly, I don’t want to know about his. I’m guessing that topic is totes off limits, as might be money, personal bodily malfunctions, family matters, celebrity divorce (too topical) and, erm, the state of the economy (just cos I find it boring). So we talk about the usual stuff, which generally means: Moo. And films. Again, fine. No problemo. I can do the whole ‘let’s be amicable’ bit. It’s when things get a bit iffy that I baulk.
Like last weekend, when I had some issues with one of his so-called friends. Ha! That’s a whole different vent about friendship and what it means. But I guess y’all got the gist of that anyway. Yeah. Ahem. Indeed, I just feel awkward now, knowing that a person I object to rather violently is still a part of his life, and it seems I can’t do anything about it. Fun times. On top of that, it’s our wedding anniversary at the end of this month. A day of sadly fond remembrances. Huzzah. Wahoo. That’ll be weird on a stick.
So it’s a tricky concept, methinks. The whole friends-with-my-ex thing. Am I hoping for too much? Is there always going to be a barrier there? Or do I just need to give us some time? Everything is still so raw. I can’t conceive of ANYTHING long-term right now, cos if a year ago you’d have said all this would be happening, I’d have guffawed in yer face and most likely given you a Chinese burn for being a cheeky minx and making up such horrors about me and mine.
I’m sure what we have is better than what others have. In fact, I know it is. And I know I’m most likely overthinking again. But that’s what blogs are for, right? Overthinking spillage? But I genuinely want to know: how do I deal with this?
Ralph Waldo Emerson said “a friend might well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature” . . . he also said “I hate quotations, tell me what you know”. What I know is that your answer is probably in the question “would you remain friends were it not for Moo?”
I never see or talk to my first wife … no kids. Second partner I see twice a week (kid exchange day). We get on well (took me a while – she gave me that bullshit line “I think we can be good friends”) but to call us friends would be to redefine the word.
Simplistic nonmultitasker male view – We’re not together we’re not friends (in the true sense of the word) but kid makes it necessary to have some involvement.
As ever, horses for courses – psuedo big family love-in works for some and maybe for you. Not for me. I like the way it is with my lad’s mum, because I think its great for him, if he wasn’t around then I wouldn’t have a relationship with her.
I’m glad you’re in a situation that suits everyone. I guess the child is the important one in things like this. Of course you want a relationship with your offspring, so it is necessary to remain civil with your ex, at least. Thanks for sharing
Guess what? I don’t have the answers. None of us do. But, since you asked, I might pop my two penneth worth in.
I’m the product of a very broken home. IMO, if there is any way you can parent together without hating one another, this can only be a good thing. My mother absolutely can’t find a good word to say about my father, who I have not seen – pretty much since I was 9 or 10 or maybe even younger. I spoke with him once, as an adult, and he wasn’t over complimentary about her either.
Friendship, as you rightly point out, that’s a whole other level. Maybe you can/will be friends with your ex, maybe this will never be possible. The thing about you is that you are loved and lovable, you will always have good friends around you. So it almost doesn’t matter really – does it?
Hmm. I think it DOES matter cos I don’t want Moo to ever think that we’re not getting on. But then, it depends on what ‘friendship’ means, innit. Thank you for commenting, I appreciate all comments, even if they don’t provide the answer
…”then, it depends on what ‘friendship’ means, innit.”
You said it. There is a massive difference between not getting on and not being friends. So when I said it didn’t matter, I meant, in the grand scheme of things, if you’re not buddies (like bff) with your ex that’s coolios – so long as you can get along well enough as parents.
how you defined ‘friendship’ in your post is pretty much how I would define friendship. I have not experienced that after a breakdown in relationship, intimate or otherwise.
Y’know, I think I just need to relax and stop overthinking things. You’re right. So what if we’re not BFFs? That’s unlikely to happen now, but that’s fine. As long as we can function together as parents to our beautiful daughter, then we’ve succeeded. Innit.
I can’t comment. I am the world’s worst for overthinking. I overthink every tiny thing.
But yes, as far as your little girl goes, having parents who love her unconditionally, and who tolerate each other (at worst) is what she needs.
If I could offer one gem to both you and your ex it would be to remember the good times and look at what you made!
Oh yes, that’s a good gem. Thank you. Yes. A very good gem indeed
Hugs of the virtual variety. Bloody wish we’d met at BritMums!
Man alive, were you there?? Damn! I missed so many people!
Yo I was with imcountingufoz. I’m monocleandfez on da twitters.
Oh it’s YOU *light dawns*
Woman of multiple identities. I don’t make things easy. Sorry x
No problemo. I’m thinking of acquiring multiple personalities. Maybe an evil twin? x
Ahem-hem-hem *clears throat*. It can be done! Look at me and Liam. Whataamess we were when we parted ways but by the Higgs Boson (not greyskull or god), we ARE still friends. You need a bit of space for a while to let the wounds heal and the irritations die down, but essentially, you can meet up and still share the things you have in common. Sone topics like dating others have to be tackled carefully but it is perfectly possible to be friends with an ex, when they dont live in ur city. I think thats the important factor :p xx
YOU AND LIAM WERE TOGETHER??
For a short while yes :p
OMFG!
As you can see, we are friends, returning to the point, it can be done as long as both sides are amicable :p
I left my husband two and a half years ago when our daughter was 18 months old… We’d always had a tempestuous relationship as we’re both very strong characters…
I’d hoped that we’d be able to continue parenting together… Maybe both be present at birthdays, meet in the park, that kind of thing… I thought at one point maybe we just needed our own time and we might find our way back to each other through her, if we were genuinely meant to be.
He did not take it well. It did not turn out how I hoped. He reacted very badly to me “abandoning” my child, “destroying her life” and the insults and accusations have not stopped. I have spent thousands on solicitors fees and meditation to get the divorce finalised and to try and discuss simple topics, such as which Primary School she should go to. There is no communication about what she does when she’s with him or how he deals with some parenting aspects… The only communication is the constant sniping. This is not what I’d planned… Either when we decided to have a child, or when I realised for all our sakes that I had to leave.
So. If you can remain friends, or at least as amicable as possible… Do. The other option is heartbreaking.
I’m sorry, sweetheart, that sounds hideous. You cannot predict these things; I certainly would never have guessed this is how it’s turn out when we got married almost 6 years ago. I hope you and your ex do find some way back to a civil relationship, for the sake of your daughter as well as anything else. Thank you for sharing with me.
It’s tough isn’t it? My parents divorced when I was in my early twenties, which sound like it should be ok and everything, but at that age, it’s really hard as you are old enought to know what the reasons are, as well as have a (strong) opinion on them. Anyway, after a tough year or so, they agreed to get along for the sake of the family and the then only two grandchildren. Fast forward four more grandchildren and five years or so and they still get on well together, so well in fact that tqhe past three or four christmases have been spent with both of them, plus dads mum and mums new partner, its like an extended family!
I feel that sometimes its better now that I ever remembered when growing up. Just shows what time and space apart can do I guess. I think I like them better as parents now they are separated to be honest!!!
Keep you chin up, and the rum stocked up. Might be a stormy few months, but at the very least for moos sake, you will give it your best shot at finding a balance I’m sure. xx
Thank you – my parents divorced when I was 12 and now, with my extended family, I can’t imagine it being any other way. I don’t think my parents are as quite as reconciled as yours, but still. Gives me hope. Thanks again xx
I’ve begun “defriending” those “friends” of mine that are remaining true to my ex. After her leaving us, how could a TRUE friend of mine remain friends with her – they can’t. Good luck in your decisions. They’re yours and yours alone – no right, no wrong as long as you remain true and honest to yourself and your values.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Hope things turn out right for you too.
Thanks. I am certain they will. Things have a way of working themselves out as long as we are patient and continue to “roll with the punches” I guess. Good luck with your situation and decisions.
It is all very new, so you can’t force it. At some point you’ll find a balance. When Ex-Hubby and I split up, he tried very early to tell me about his latest fancy. I went mental. Not because he was fancying someone, but because he had not stopped to think that it was a bit early to be sharing stuff about our lovelives.
Fast forward to now. 11 years on. We have spent every Christmas together since we split up. Every kids’ birthday. I am invited to family stuff in his family. I was the first one to know he’d got engaged. I was at the wedding. I was on call for Toddler when New Wife was expecting New Baby. I take Toddler out from time to time. We go to same parties. We have friends in common. We are one big family. He gets my boiler fixed when I’m away with the kids. We feed each other’s cats. New Wife and I get all the kids organised. He takes the piss via text when France loses at some sport.
Are we friends? I don’t know; but we are a family. A strange family, but one where the Teens feel that both parents are there, and where their Stepmum is not a Witch. One where Toddler and New Baby are included, where ex Mother In Law feels like she can still see all her grand kids in one go without anyone feeling awkward.
And I have to confess, he is still a bloody good drinking partner
So let things happen. If you’re not bitter and twisted and bitchy and Moo is the priority you two will find your own way. Always remember that you must have liked him a bit to marry him, so at least he can be a mate. The first of everything is the hardest. The first anniversary, the first birthday, the first Christmas. After that, it gets easier, it gets more relaxed, the barriers slowly come down, because there is no threat or no “Oh I wonder if he/she still would want…”. Things fall into place, give it time, give yourself time.
If as adults we can’t make a marriage work, we can at least make good Divorced Couples. it does happen….
Teen 1′s 17th birthday tomorrow. We’re all going out for a meal (and no doubt a few drinkies!! Me and Ex-Hubby. Not the kids!!!)
Take care. x
Thank you. It’s so nice to hear about some positive situations. I’m pleased for you and your family
x
Well got back from Teen 1′s birthday dinner. Pisshed coz of ex-Hubby. The best moment being thTeens staring at us as we were giggling away at some stupid joke.
Friends maybe not.Good mates defo. And great entertainment value for others!!! Still, if you can still shop with you ex, you are well on the way to a good relationship (read next blog entry and’ all!) x
LOL well we can go to Asda together, it’s not that impressive…
x
GOING TO ASDA WITHOUT ARGUING IS DEAD IMPRESSIVE. I go to Asda with Blokey. After about 15 minutes all I want to do is bloody throttle him. So if you can go with ANYONE without arguing, I am in awe *does a little bow in awe* x
LOL split up with him, seems to make it easier
x
One bit at a time, dont get drawn into any silliness. It wont ever be the same bond but it is possible to be friends without the cloudiness of history. Just treat him as an aquaintance for now, dont pressure yourself. Keep the focus on the wee one. X
Thank you X
Time is a great healing, not just naff saying. My ex and I had a messy time after I left him where even sitting in the same room was impossible.
Forward 4 years and now we both have new partners, new children. He comes round had a coffee when he waits for our daughter to get organised. We are on each others facebooks and all go along to our daughters school play etc.
I wouldn’t say we are friends, I wouldn’t call him for a chat and any contact is about a daughter but we have a laugh and it’s easy. He still does things that can piss me right off but the beauty of divorce is I don’t have to care anymore. But that said if I was up shit creek I know he would help me out if he could as would I.
As for your anniversary have a cry, wallow in self pity them pick yourself dust yourself off. Poor a rum and say bollocks to it.
I like the sound of the rum. That’s my plan from now on. If in doubt, drink all the rum. Thanks for your comment, you make a lot of sense – thanks for sharing
I don’t see my ex-wife anymore and my parents lived separate lives once they divorced apart from handing me and my sister over at Corley services in the school holidays. The reason for not remaining in contact is the same in both cases – nothing left in common. When my ex and I split up I realised I enjoyed the company of my friends much more and there was no reason to stay in touch with her. Sounds harsh but I’ve never regretted it.
I have no idea what the answer to your question is but I do think it has to suit you and Moo first and your ex second or even not all.
It suits me to have Moo’s dad as a big part of her life, so I guess we work for that over anything else. Obvs if we had no children it may have been different.
I would just give it time. It would be great if you can stay friends for Moo’s sake if not for your own. You will find that there are times you will get one fine, especially as it’s obvious you still remember many of the reasons you liked and loved each other, but then there will be difficult times and things will be more strained. Mostly I would say it’s possible to stay on good terms if not friends.
My eldest’s Dad and I get on fine and we chat and laugh but there’s definitely a distance between us. I’m still very fond of him but I know his girlfriend finds it weird if we get on too well and I do get that. So we chat about the teen when we need to but that’s about it.
My newest failed marriage is different as there are no children to consider, we’re still sorting details so I try and keep things light with him. But it’s still too painful to look at photos of times we spent together, as although I initiated the separation it was from a place of seriously fucked up head and to be completely honest, I still have slight regrets. We could have made it work and that makes me feel incredibly sad. But maybe we were both too broken. I just don’t know and it feels odd to feel this way when I’m very happy with G.
Sorry, this was supposed to be answering you… You can be friends I think, but there will always be a slight barrier to complete closeness I feel. But if you can be kind to each other it will be so much better for all of you.
Big love.
You’re right, I don’t expect complete closeness but I am adjusting to these ‘barriers’ and it is all so weird and new, still. We were together for such a long time and I occasionally find it disconcerting to not have his presence so obviously in my daily life. Something to get used to, I suspect.
Thank you for commenting so honestly, it helps to hear how other people have fared so don’t worry about writing about yourself, innit. Big love back atcha.
The barriers feel incredibly weird, I think it’s the thing I’m struggling the most with. There was this person I shared everything with and suddenly we can’t. It does get easier with time though, I find it’s just occasionally now that I get a longing for the old days and want our friendship to feel more natural.
You will get used to it, I think nearly everyone has said it just takes time and that is true x
I think you just need to give it time. You see some ex couple that have become very strong good friends and some that are on very good terms for the sake of their children. I think you’ll both fall into something that works eventually.
I really hope so, thank you
I would never be friends with my ex’s – but they are all utter cnuts. So there’s a good reason not to be. I could be friends with some old friends, were we not so far apart, who were, erm, beneficial friends. But we are far apart. They are nice.
As someone above said you should just let it be and form organically – the relationship is different now, but you’ve got along very well and there’s a lot of reason not to hate each other, and you’re a nice fella so you can be nice and shiz. It’s all odd and different and new now though, so you have to just let it bumble along and see what comes.
In the meantime, you have some pretty good friends kicking around who love the filling out of you. And the odd one who puts it back in.
Saucy mare. And good use of the word ‘bumble’. Thank you X
I think it’s important to just let your relationship remain organic. Don’t force it. My parents weren’t together when I was growing up but when my Dad would visit, he’d stay with my Mum and I and they were the best of friends. My partner is great friends with the mother of his child, too. It makes things so wonderful for the child to see parents being friends. But if you talk about certain topics before you’re ready because you feel that you SHOULD be able to, you risk destroying that forever.
Tread lightly; neither of you expected to be here, I don’t think, and you’re learning together (yet individually) how to cope. Don’t bring up certain topics (like current love life) until it doesn’t make you feel that ‘pang’ to think about it. And if he’s ready for some topics before you, making it clear that you’re not ready without being bitchy or awkward is going to be a tough but essential phase. I think the harder battle will be your personal one to accept that you don’t have a say in his life anymore. But it absolutely will happen. One day, things will have settled and you’ll look back on this with a sense of relief. I hope that time is soon.
I know we haven’t been formally introduced, by the way, so I realise that it’s a little strange to be offering my tuppence when we don’t even know eachother. Apologies! I just felt compelled to reply. Have a great weekend, and I hope you feel more settled in this soon!
Thank you for commenting, and for introducing yourself. Sometimes I just need someone objective to set it out for me and I think you have done so very capably. Innit.
I know I could never be friends with my ex husband but I didn’t have to be as we never had children. He hurt me too much to want to stay friends with him. It still hurts now six years later. Not the bit about him cheating while we were trying to get pregnant – I’m over that. But it hurts that for many years I believed he was something he wasn’t. I’m usually a good judge of character yet some how I was sucked right in. Despite everything we had a very civil break up and subsequent divorce. I would acknowledge him in the street should I see him, but I wouldn’t be his friend. I applaud people who can do that. I never would be able to. Maybe I’m too emotionally immature.
Having a child together makes things different. Being amicable with your ex, can and will benefit Moo. I am sure when things aren’t so raw you will find a comfortable middle ground. Good luck xx
Thank you, and thanks for sharing your experiences X
Take it one conversation, one experience, one day at a time. You’ll find a comfort zone. You certainly don’t want animosity since there’s a little girl involved so keep an open mind and let it go where it goes with boundaries set so you have nothing to do with the unsavory side of things in his life (or with his friends). We often want answers to questions we have, sometimes they just need to unfold. x
That’s great advice, thank you X
I can’t help I’m afraid, my parents were divorced and hated each other! They would communicate via solicitors, eventually getting to the stage of talking via us, then eventually reluctantly to each other. And it was horrible. I would say that if you can talk to each other amicably then that is good. I have friends who I turn to about different things. Younger ones (remember I am old) who I can talk to about day to day stuff, older friends who I can turn to about things that are happening to my body, kids leaving home etc. You too have friends who you can talk to about different things. Just decide what you will talk to your ex about and what you won’t. this will change over the years, as do our friendships. I have had good friends in the past who through circumstances I am not so close to any more, but when we do see each other, or get in touch, it is like we never stopped.
You are going through a rubbish part of your life, it will get better, it isn’t what you envisaged when you got married. That is life, it could be worse, he could have died, or been very ill. You have friends. Just remember that. x
More good advice. Thank you. I feel like I needed these talkings-to by some very lovely and sensible people. I just get lost in my own head sometimes X