Snore
Hello bedfellow. Hi there.
You’re rather wonderful, aren’t ya? Yeah, thought so. In many, many ways – handsome, charming, witty, kind, with the correct amount of limbs – you’re my ideal partner in crime. Innit.
So, sometime mattress companion – here’s the rub – and not ‘rub’ in a GOOD way, like neck rub or, erm, clitoral rub – why oh why oh WHY oh why the fark do you snore?
Hmm? Why? WHY?
What is this snoring that occurs? Is it you? Or is it some malevolent creature that squats beneath your side of the bed and pretends to be you? I cannot believe that such noises would emanate from your gorgeous head. The guttural rasping of nightly beasts! Ack, how it dost haunt me!
I know I am not without nocturnal disadvantages. I have been known to sleep-walk, sleep-talk, and sleep-punch-people-in-the-tits. I do also snore, yea verily, especially if my sinuses are compromised by the creeping and deathly mucous. But not ALL THE FARKING TIME. Not each night. No siree, cap’n.
Now we are voyaging on this ‘special friendship’ cruise, I am anticipating many a night on the deck beneath the stars, if you get my slightly vague meaning. I do not want the moment ruined by an errant narwhal rising to the sea’s surface and bassooning into the ether. What the fark is narwhal anyway? *googles it* Wait – is that what’s beneath my bed? Is that why my bedroom SMELLS OF FISH? I thought that was me. FFS.
Crikey, I digress. Dear bedfellow, darling man o’mine, you exceed expectation in all areas, be assured of that. I cannot stress this enough.
I just can’t farking sleep with a snorer.
Short of spending the darkest hours asunder, what can we do? I want to wake refreshed and in yer arms, not frazzled and churlish after a night listening to your nasal song-singing.
Much love from downstairs on the sofa at almost midnight,
MoVo
x
Does he sleep on his back? My OH is worse on his back so I just kick him and tell him to roll over. Once on his side its more like loud breathing than snoring lol much easier to block out x x x
Yep, do that already. He’s better on his front, fo sho
Thanks missus X
I usually end up underneath three pillows and cocooned within my blanket before I can finally fall asleep while my husband happily snores away next to me. I feel your pain.
It’s a good case for separate bedrooms IMO
I couldn’t possibly tell you how I know of this but I understand the British snoring association’s website has tests to identify the cause of the snoring and a variety of fixes, which lead to a much better sleep for not only bedfellows, but the snorer themselves! Worth investigating!
Thank you
An op to cure the snoring is the best bet (just in case it does, like, y’know – become permanent one day). The snorers tend to be resistant though don’t they? My Dad has always said “it doesn’t bother me – I sleep great” – but no one else down the street could. Seriously, you haven’t heard snoring til you’ve heard my buzz saw father, bless his vibrating tonsils.
So this is what I think you should do. I think you should start out with a list of demands that start with THE SNIP. Obviously you aren’t being serious with that one, but that’s not for him to know. You could genuinely be advocating the ultimate form of birth control, cause, y’know, mistakes do happen…. You then have snoring op somewhere near the bottom of said list and sure enough it begins to look quite enticing once his manhood and fertility is on the metaphorical slab.
He’ll be begging you to whip out his tonsils in no time.
PMSL you have made me PMSL innit. I am so putting this plan into action TONIGHT
Good luck. Do let us know how you fare
I snore, but not as much as first time mummy. I normally give her a nudge and she shuts up just long enough to go to sleep. Maybe you go to sleep then he comes to bed so your already in the land of nod? I don’t snore to bad but I do have wandering hands….. All well and good unless it’s 2am and I’m still asleep but waking her up! Lol
Good luck in you little quandary.
Much luv, peace out
FTD
Wandering hands?? You dirty man. Any old excuse, innit! ‘I don’t know what I was doing, I was ASLEEP!’ Yeah, yeah…
I am a DREADFUL snorer. Am sometimes so loud I wake myself up.
Remind me never to share a bed with you…
I have every sympathy. My bedfellow is also a snorer. Are there any men over a certain age that are not?!
LMAO over a certain age?? I am SO telling him that…
Oh dear! I fear I may be a snorer too…
*baleful glare* This does not bode well for our sleepovers.
I shall ask Gareth to check for me…
Boots sell blue wax type ear plugs (not the yellow foam ones or the plastic swimming ones) – that’s the answer to not killing a snorer ;o)
Am reluctant to use ear plugs. Only cos I still listen out for The Moo during the night. But, y’know, he’s not going to be here all the time…
Sleeping, or more importantly NOT FECKING SLEEPING, with a snorer sucks. I made my ex have an operation to cure his. It kind of worked to cure the snoring. But he’s still my ex. Sadly it didn’t cure his other defects!
LMAO I don’t think they have an operation for that?
I have OH one side of me, dog on floor next to me, and small Pickle across the landing, all with permanently compromised nasal cavities. Grrrrrrrr! Sort of shoving your pointers up his nose*, I have no answers. (*make sure you wipe afterwards)
Become nocturnal and sleep during the day, when they’re all awake?
So funny! I kick my fiance when he is snoring!
LOL I do. Well, I nudge him gently (I’m a nice lady). Sadly it’s only temporary…
Just kick him. That’s what I do to LagosDad
Mahahahahahha tried that…
Sew a tennis ball into his pyjamas. What?! No pyjamas? Knee him in the nuts every time?
Or how about those strips that go over the nose?
Or surgery….
*writes it all down*
Oh brilliant! I have the same problem with my Other Half. Wonderful in so many ways – but I could really hate him if I let myself in those wee hours. Darling – it’s him downstairs on the sofa, not you. Right? Start as you mean to go on. Innit.
Mahahahahahah to be fair – he HAS spent nights on the sofa, for which I am grateful. It was just I was particularly wakeful that night
And I told you you wouldn’t be on your own for long – glad for you XX