I had an interesting conversation with that Amanda Jennings The Author at the weekend. It was the first time I’d met her, and apart from making me spaff a record THREE TIMES (henceforth known as the Triple Uber-Spaff) within the hour, we talked about this, that, and t’other for a bit, and about how we’re going to write an AWARD-WINNING sitcom and we will also STAR in it, and about how clever we are and stuff, and, erm, we also chatted about stuff and stuff, and stuff. Yeah, so I may have had some gin. Innit.
But one thing I did say to her was about my default setting: that I assume everyone’s a cunt until I’m proved otherwise. That people, in general, are TOTAL CUNTS, until someone restores my faith in humans being non-cunts. Which, really, doesn’t happen too often.
Amanda Jennings The Author was surprised. She did her surprised face. ‘Really?’ she said, in a surprised voice, being all surprised. Her default setting, y’see, was the opposite. Which, in turn, surprised me. Is this normal? Am I in a minority of bad-tempered curmudgeons? Is everybody, in fact, part of some big, smiley, fluffy love-in with the rest of the human race, dancing on rainbows and drinking fizzy pop and tickling kittens? Can’t be true. Can it? Kittens are for stamping on, surely? Yet now I’ve been mulling over this a while, I have ACTUAL FEARS that I am going to end up old and alone, living in a stinky hovel, throwing rocks at children and eating roadkill – all because I think everyone is a cunt.
I mean, OBVIOUSLY I know that not everyone is a cunt. In fact I have met some truly non-cuntish people recently who make me feel all warm and tolerant of mankind, rather than vengeful and stabby. However, as I explained to Amanda Jennings The Author, when you’ve been let down by the last people on earth you would ever think to let you down, it kind of lowers your expectations somewhat. Sometimes it’s easier to assume that you’re surrounded by cunts. Then you ain’t so disappointed. Innit.
So I need to change my thinking, yeah? I need to rein in some of this spiky-minded kitten-stamping hatefulness and start hugging trees and, erm, smiling and everything, yeah? Cos not everyone’s a cunt. Right?
What’s your default setting? And have I actually written ‘cunt’ far too much in this blog post?