Default
I had an interesting conversation with that Amanda Jennings The Author at the weekend. It was the first time I’d met her, and apart from making me spaff a record THREE TIMES (henceforth known as the Triple Uber-Spaff) within the hour, we talked about this, that, and t’other for a bit, and about how we’re going to write an AWARD-WINNING sitcom and we will also STAR in it, and about how clever we are and stuff, and, erm, we also chatted about stuff and stuff, and stuff. Yeah, so I may have had some gin. Innit.
But one thing I did say to her was about my default setting: that I assume everyone’s a cunt until I’m proved otherwise. That people, in general, are TOTAL CUNTS, until someone restores my faith in humans being non-cunts. Which, really, doesn’t happen too often.
Amanda Jennings The Author was surprised. She did her surprised face. ‘Really?’ she said, in a surprised voice, being all surprised. Her default setting, y’see, was the opposite. Which, in turn, surprised me. Is this normal? Am I in a minority of bad-tempered curmudgeons? Is everybody, in fact, part of some big, smiley, fluffy love-in with the rest of the human race, dancing on rainbows and drinking fizzy pop and tickling kittens? Can’t be true. Can it? Kittens are for stamping on, surely? Yet now I’ve been mulling over this a while, I have ACTUAL FEARS that I am going to end up old and alone, living in a stinky hovel, throwing rocks at children and eating roadkill – all because I think everyone is a cunt.
I mean, OBVIOUSLY I know that not everyone is a cunt. In fact I have met some truly non-cuntish people recently who make me feel all warm and tolerant of mankind, rather than vengeful and stabby. However, as I explained to Amanda Jennings The Author, when you’ve been let down by the last people on earth you would ever think to let you down, it kind of lowers your expectations somewhat. Sometimes it’s easier to assume that you’re surrounded by cunts. Then you ain’t so disappointed. Innit.
So I need to change my thinking, yeah? I need to rein in some of this spiky-minded kitten-stamping hatefulness and start hugging trees and, erm, smiling and everything, yeah? Cos not everyone’s a cunt. Right?
What’s your default setting? And have I actually written ‘cunt’ far too much in this blog post?
Everything is such constant DOOM and GLOOM lately that even ME, the eternally merry and hopelessly optimistic fruitloop, am getting angrier about PEOPLE every day. Fucking PEOPLE. They are all doing my head in. Typical conversation at work:
T: “Good morning, fab lawyers for you*, how can I help you”
Client: “I wanna talk ta Matt”
T: “Who’s calling please?”
C: “Is ‘e there?”
T: “What is your name please?”
C: “Can I not talk to ‘im?”
T: “I’m afraid I can’t transfer the call unless I can tell Mr Archer who you are”
C: “Well….it’s Dave**”
T: “What is your second name please?”
C: “What ya’ wanna know that for?”
T: “Because we have more than one client with that first name. What matter is the call regarding?”
C: “…Matt’ll know”
T: “I’m afraid I have to ask to ensure the call is put through to the right person, what is Mr Archer doing for you?”
C: “He’s writing me some letters”
T: “Are you having a dispute with someone?”
C: “Nah, he’s doing stuff wiv ma property”
T: “Are you buying or selling a house?”
C: “Nah, I got tenants and they ain’t paid their rent”
*BINGO!!!!!!*
T: “I see, hold the line please…”
TIP of the ICEBURG. By this point, the client probably thinks we’re incompetent ignoramuses when if fact many seem incapable of answering the SIMPLEST FEKING QUESTIONS!!! >.<
You see the source of my newfound DESPAIR with humanity.
*made up name
**made up client name. Confidentiality an all that.
I know Dave. He’s a cunt.
So many of them are!
Definately with Amanda on this one. 8 out of 10 times people turn out to be okay, it’s just the other 2!
Damn them.
Mostly, I consider people I don’t know to be possible friends, but also people who should be feared for they are only possibly friends. So I consider them to be the funniest and worst people ever, at the same time.
Yeah.
Sounds great too, isn’t it?
You are a conundrum.
My default setting is sad. No idea why. Biology, bastard bad rewiring in the old headbox, but it is. I wake up sad and it takes a lot to make me smile.
Oh dear. What, even the sight of my sleep-rumpled face and groggy demeanour doesn’t cheer you? I must try harder.
I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and even when they are awful I am still cordial to them. I, however, don’t judge anyone that just dislikes everyone from the get go… Life has a way of teaching us how to act. it just means that those who are close to you are probably like family
It means people have to try harder for me to like them…
Nothing wrong with that
I’m in Amanda the Author’s camp. But then I am generally naive and overly trusting, and open to people rubbing their dog-pooped stained shoes on my face. Still it makes me happier to be that way and if you turn out to be a cunt then my friendship is your loss. Cos quite frankly I’m feckin fab
. (That’s a generic you, not YOU, obvs. You’re fab too and definitely not a cunt) 
Y’aff to be the way y’aff to be to cope with people – cuntish or otherwise.
Yes my coping mechanism is to assume y’all are cunts right now. Not y’all, obvs, cos y’all are farking fab
Great use if ‘y’aff’ by the way.
I don’t have a default setting. . . I just make snap judgements. Mostly spot on too. Unfortunately the ones I got wrong cost me dearly – but then perhaps my snap judgments haven’t given the others an opportunity to prove themselves to be c**** (I still balk at that word!)
Everyone has a default setting. Has anyone turned you off and on again?
You most certainly will end up old and alone – but is that really a bad thing? People are knobs – you only need to watch a Disney film to see that. Distance yourself from them. That way, yes, you are will become that melancholic loner that smells a little bit like cat wee, but at least you’ll never have to worry about gaining people’s approval. You’ll always be safe in the knowledge you’ll never have it.
(And your daughter won’t dare mention the smell – she’ll have one eye on her inheritance)
Kerrrrrrching.
ROFL you’re my kind of lady. Only it won’t be cat wee. I’ll have stamped on all the cats.
My default setting is happy, which is great sometimes but can be annoying and not that great when I believe what anyone tells me (so I should really say a bit, hopefully just a tiny bit, gullible). Want to swap a bit?
Yes! Let’s swap, for a bit. I bet we could learn from each other. And then blog about it. I think it’s great you’re happy. Never change that
I enjoyed how much you said cunt in this post, it’s an under used word in my opinion.
On the the actual question, I actually have the opposite problem, I believe people are basically good and kind on the whole and then am crushingly disappointed when they prove themselves not to be.
Jeezus we can’t win, can we? Everyone’s a cunt (not you, you’re lovely)
I only have time for people who arent cunts. Working on building sites there are days, nay, whole jobs, when all you do is deal with cunts all day. But once that job is done the cunts are gone!
In my personal life I work a strike system, if you are a cunt thrn I tell you, if you adjust your behaviour then we are cool, continue and you have used your strike and you are out!
I see the good in people till they prove they’re cunts, then they disapear. Thats it.
Never suffer a cunt, always be aware someone may act cuntish, be prepared to respond with zero tolerance and then see the good stuff.
I collect lovely people. They surround me, enthuse me, enrich and inspire me. The cunts can all go to hell. They are not worth my time…or yours.
I need to collect lovely people and keep them under my stairs. That’s allowed, right? I’d give them water and stuff… Thanks for commenting. You make a lot of sense.
Late to the party on this one, but I like this response. I think I too operate on default ‘see the good’, but I do tend to strike people out of the park if they offend my ideals beyond what I deem is acceptable. Or if I decide that I just don’t like them after all. The older I get, the more I trust my judgement and the less I am willing to accept cuntish behaviour. It used to be 3ish strikes and you’re out. Now it’s like; you’ve royally pissed me off and I aint taking that shit. Give me my effing ball back while I snap your wickets and kick your sorry arse out of my godamned park, nay…. the universe! Never darken my doors again, foul being.
There’s a warning to one and all *sunny smile*
You’re so sweet and kind! You can’t talk like that
I know, I did feel naughty *tee hee*
Aside from barely being able to write a comment for laughing that you blogged our cunt convo, I would like to confirm that (naively??) I do believe that I like to wander through life believing nobody is a cunt. If a cunt comes along – and of course they do – I put them in a special box, nail it shut and launch it down the river on a bed of reeds like Chalton Heston’s mum did. Sadly, as years march on, the cunts stack up on the riverbank and I’m running out of reed boats. That said, when we had our conversation there were two people at the table and neither of them were cunts. We talked about LOADS of people and only four of them were cunts. So, you know, the world is basically under-cunted. ‘Avoid the cunts like you would zombies’ is a famous quote by Anon, who spewed tonnes of great quotes. You, though, are lovely. And I ACTUALLY love you. Filthy, girl-love styley. Especially, having seen your spaff-face. Three times.
xxx
ps BAFTA dress shopping soon, okay?
You have made me LOL in a snorty-sniffy way, which is no mean feat today. Thanks doll. You are one of life’s good’uns and I officially love you too.
By the way, I just read this again, and noticed the middlish paragraph, the one with the stomped on kittens. You are most certainly NOT destined to be alone in a hovel. Shit woman, give yourself a break. You’ve had a shitey time of it recently. You fell of the rainbow dancefloor and spilt your fizzy pop but, you know, you’ll be jiving up there again soon. Once you find the ladder thing. Time. Laughing. Gin. Loved ones. All these things help with promoting the survival of kittens (which are really cute and def worth a tickle). xx
But I like stamping on kittens… X
I wish I liked people more than I do! I can be friendly, interested and all the nice things but take the piss and I will cut them off at the knees. There are nice people out there aplenty – just a shame the cunts spoil it for everyone else as always.
Oh yes I’ve met loads of nice folk I just worry that they’ll let me down like a bunch of cunts. No trust, see. I accept that any issues might be all mine.
My default setting used to be consider every new person i meet a potential friend and treat them accordingly, after being pushed over a few too many times, i assume that people are idiots until they prove otherwise. Not quite on the default setting of cunt yet, but it doesn’t take much to push my needle from idiot to cunt. It kinda sucks really.
You can live in my house with me and throw rocks at kids then. Wahoo!
I am a complete and utter pushover. A serial giver of the benefit of the doubt. I ain’t gonna tell ya that it is a winning strategy.
Yeah but life must be nicer your way?
Erm, the sun is shining like every day and all that, but crap happens in all weathers. And people aren’t nicer just because the sun in shining. I have found this is not the case. So, regarding re-calibrating your ‘setting’, right now, the way I am feeling, and with conscience, I can only advise you to stick with your factory default. Just for now. And anyway, we loves ya just the way you are. BM x
*moves hand away from reset button* Thanks BM x
Mine’s ‘hopeful’. It’s exhausting.
PS You shouldn’t talk to strangers
I’d like a bit of hope. Got any spare?
My default setting is apathetic…….
I would explain further, but as you know I’m an apathetic cunt.
x
You’re not a cunt, you’re one of the good’uns X
Very easy to say from a distance
xxx
I think if you have been hurt by people who you loved and trusted with your heart and then you’re bound to think the world is just one big hairy cunt! I used to trust. I used to like most people I met and think they were nice. Then I was proved wrong. Maybe I’m too soft. Maybe I’m too easily hurt. Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve. (except today as I’m sleeveless
) But if the people you loved, trusted and cared for turn out to be massive cunts then surely people you are yet to meet, don’t know or trust are bound to be cunts. So unfortunately I am now bitter and twisted and don’t let people ‘in’ very easily any more. Everybody is a big hairy cunt until proven otherwise. Or until they get a wax 
Wahoo! Another one for my house of bitter and twisted old ladies
My default setting has changed as of late. I don’t give much faith in humanity any more. The people closest to me are the one’s responsible for that. In no particular order they have lied, been hopeless addicted to certain things, talked about me behind my back and think I’m a goodie two shoes (apparently that’s terrible) and that’s the people closest to me in life. I would be terrified to see what others actually think. So yeah, humanity sucks. No one has proved otherwise to me and my illusion of them doing so is now six feet under.
We need to round up the good ones (there are some, I know some) and keep them in a cage. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. It really does suck giant arse. I’ll hex those bastards for you.
Agreed. Thanks for the hex.
I used to be a total people-pleaser. Welcoming & helpful to one & all. Then realised that, as a result, I only ever attracted nutters & cunts. Or nutty cunts. Or cunty nuts. Cnuts. Nunts. Anyway, now I’m somewhere in between. I’ll give people the benefit of the doubt but at the first sign of nunty cuttish behaviour, they be gone. Zapped. Blasted to oblivion.
You have a zapper? Can I borrow it? My laser’s broken
my default setting is pretty much like yours and its pretty ingrained now. kind of glass half empty as opposed to half full.
We are so much fun at parties, innit
My neighbours have recently started heckling me when I leave the house with my kids. As far as I’m aware I’ve given them no reason to do this so therefore I’ve switched my settings to “everyone’s a cunt” Maybe someday someone will prove me wrong.
Well your neighbours are most definitely cunts. Hope you meet some non-cuntish folk some day
My default setting is kind of in the middle ….
If they seem really nice I KNOW I’m soooo missing the nasty’s hidden away in the cupboard somewhere.
If they seem horrid I KNOW someone somewhere loves them ;o)
But a bit like you I know that no one can be trusted – not to do the stuff I want them to do, they’ll always do what suits them and sometimes it will just so happen to suit me.
LOL you’re one of the good ones, fo sho
My default setting these days is “If you don’t like me, you can fuck off”…..I’ve spent far too much time trying to make sure that everyone likes me, that everyone I know is happy and healthy and looked after and yet very few people seem to look after me when it comes down to brass tacks. When meeting new people I’m always pleasant but I’m not going to lie down and be a human doormat any more….I am what I am/how I look etc, I have opinions on stuff that other folks might not agree with and I’ve finally realised that this is not a crime. I do sort of reckon on people being cunts somewhere under all the fluffy niceness, I know I’ve been one at times in my life, but I also believe that pretty much everyone has the capacity to not be a cunt. I guess it boils down to whether you like being a cunt or not….personally, I’d rather just be me
And good for you. That seems like a perfectly reasonable attitude to have, if you ask me.
My default setting used to be to like everyone, to be abnormally rather welcoming and open, to help everyone wherever possible. However, since being stung a couple of times by people we let into our home, either by having items stolen or by accusing my husband of something that he didn’t do (he was at the other side of the country FFS!) I am a little more wary. Although probably still too nice for my own good.
You are very nice. You want to take some lessons in bitter and twisted, like me