BritMums Live
I don’t gush. I’m not a gushing type of gal. There’ll be no frivolous gush from this lady, d’y'hear? I’m much better at, erm, squirting a bit. Or vaguely leaking. Heck, now it sounds like this will be a post about incontinence. Or female ejaculation.
Well, it’s NOT. Back off, you pervo. This is my post about BritMums Live, the blogging conference I went to at the weekend.
There was a moment before the conference started, before we’d even got there, in fact, when a friend imparted a certain veritable and unassailable fact about the actress Jamie Lee Curtis. Something I had never heard before. It floored me. I was overcome with this new knowledge. ‘This,’ I thought to myself, ‘this will be the BEST THING I learn all weekend. NOTHING ELSE will touch this fact. I may as well not bother turning up to the conference! EVERYTHING NOW PALES INTO INSIGNIFICANCE!!’.
Dramatic, yeah? Well, I had already had some Prosecco by that point. But sadly, it was also true.
OK, before I start being an enormous negative noob, lemme gush a little bit first. Better put some towels down.
I can say, without a sliver of a doubt, that the people I met at the conference – the ones who were on my list – not the Bastard List, but my OTHER list, the good’un list – were uber-awesome and just farking lush. The group of gorgeous friends I was with, the shminky Twitter friends I was desperate to meet, the super talented bloggers I have idolised for an age, the lovely people who came up to me and introduced themselves: y’all helped make this weekend totally rock. Thanks be to thee from the bottom of my knickers.
Gush: done. Phew. Let’s continue with the analogy of underwear. BritMums Live was like a pair of knickers I haven’t worn in a while. They look like they should be comfortable. They’re clean, at least. I put them on. It’s OK – they’re a bit small, maybe. My muffin-top is bulging but I can handle that jelly. I decide to wear them. Walk around for most of the day. By nightfall, they are the most ridiculous pants I have ever worn in my life. Chafing, sweaty and clinging to my crack. I remember why I don’t wear them. They don’t fit me.
The conference finished on Saturday evening. We’d heard some marvellous posts read by the bloggers themselves. The wine was free-flowing. Everyone was buzzing. I shoulda been on a high. I wasn’t. I felt hugely pissed off. Maybe something to do with having been awake for almost 36 hours, but that’s another blog post. I couldn’t shake this feeling of spiky moodiness. What was up with me? Dunno. Still not sure, really. I guess, in some ways, I knew before I went to the conference that I was never going to be a BritMums kind of lady. In the BritMums meme that did the rounds a few months back, I totally spaffed out my usual brand of snarky answers, but still thought, ‘Hey, it’ll be OK, I’ll have fun, I’ll learn loads of shit about blogging’ and arrived with that mentality.
But the agenda disappointed me. I don’t do craft, cooking or photography. I don’t use Pinterest or Google+. I don’t blog for the greater good, or use my blog to support charitable causes. I’ve already published an ebook. The Discussion Dens looked interesting but I didn’t feel I’d have much to contribute. I looked at the one called ‘Blogging for Happiness: Sod the Stats’ and thought, actually, I DO give a damn about my stats. Where’s the workshop called ‘Huzzah for Stats! I Check Mine All the Time, Innit!’ or something similar?
Anyway. You may consider me a noob but I only went to one seminar – the Dad Bloggers one – as I had a vested interest in that. Even so, it was a bit dry. Can we please all shut the fark up about the whole mummy/daddy blogger debate now? Guys blog, girls blog, we should all just get along. Gender divides fark me off when they’re perpetuated by pointless discussion. In my humble opinion, there should have been MORE men there. Rooms full of women make me antsy. Too much farking oestrogen. I was worried we’d all suddenly menstruate and totally destroy Hoxton with a tsunami of blood.
Diplomatic mask on for a moment: the event was extremely well-organised and more than capably handled by the BritMums team. Yet why have men in pants serve us wine, like we’re all at a tacky hen’s night? Why have nowhere to sit and relax without being jumped on by over-eager PR teams? Why saddle us with so much free crap that even my secret consumerist soul baulks at the waste of it all? Why pack so many farking workshops into the day that there is not enough time to actually meet and talk to people you want to meet and talk to? Hmm? HMMM?
Ah well. I’ve gone on enough. Suffice to say, my best moments from the weekend had nothing to do with the conference itself. Oh, apart from hijacking someone’s laptop during the final evening do and inadvertently making almost 500 people snort discreetly into their wineglasses. Soz about that. Couldn’t resist.
Next year? Maybe. Never say never. Still don’t think they fit me, though. And vice versa.
What did you think? Has my, erm, ‘review’ been helpful?
Really glad you said all that. As a newbie blogger I have been pottering aimlessly about the blogosphere (as I think it is called) looking for my place. I am a mother but i suspect not a mummyblogger – older children so less about nipples and more about trips to A&E with unfortunate things in unfortunate places. Did wonder what all the Britmum hype was in aid of and you have given me a really clear picture – Cheers.
PS – I like your style.
Hello again. The best thing about conferences like BritMums is the people you meet. I suggest that if you ever fancy going, make sure you have met people beforehand, as I can imagine that if you turn up on your own, it can be a very lonely place. Personally, I detest the now oft-used label ‘mummy blogger’ as I think it is starting to have negative connotations, much like ‘yummy mummy’ is. I blog, and I’m a mum, so I blog about my child, but I cover other stuff too. Unfortunate things in unfortunate places will always read well, by the way
You were on my list of people I really had to meet at BritMums Live and I can’t believe I missed you. Your take on the whole thing is really interesting and I’ve read a few posts from people who’ve said it’s not for them. The one thing about these conferences is that they seem to focus on the technical side and, although it’s good to know how to make your blog attractive and build your skills, I’d love more creative sessions just focusing on the writing. Maybe next year you could lead a talk – how to find your inner MoVo
LOL I would love to, somehow suspect that I won’t be asked, tho… not sure MoVo would be everyone’s cup of tea… We’ll meet one day, I’m sure of it. There are so many blogging paths to cross, innit
I’m really sorry I didn’t get to speak to you more. Time just went so quickly and I had to dash off on both days so missed a lot of the socialising aspect. I only attended 2 sessions on the Saturday as well. Such a packed agenda and would have preferred more time to chat to people. Am with you on the waiters – did make it like a hen night and as I said at the time, if it was a conference primarilary for men and they’d hired in hot young girls to serve drinks in their undies, we’d have been outraged
Yes I would’ve liked to chat with you properly too, shame there was no time! Maybe next year…?
Loved reading your take on this weekend and the knickers analogy is just perfect. It was so lovely to say hello on Friday even if it was all too brief. I’m with you, my best things about this weekend were the non-conference bits
Thanks, actually it was reading your post which made me think that I could write mine, up until then I’d only read gushing testimonies which kind of put me off sharing my opinion! Let’s meet again under less, erm, conferencey circumstances
You are infinitely cooler and more popular than me (bitch!), and if you don’t feel comfortable at this event then I feel much better deciding not to go. Always nice to meet bloggers I get along with online, but apart from that I was sure I’d be hanging around on the fringes, thinking “What the f*ck am I doing here?”
Donna x
LMAO in which case, you’d be swigging free cups of tea with me on a sofa somewhere. There are some advantages to these events, y’know
x
ditto…someone should just cut the crap and organise a national tweeters social somewhere (with free wine, obviously (served by robots, so that nobody is exploited)) lets face it, you can learn what skills you need to know online! (i’ve not been to a blogging event and am even more resistant after reading this) (which i really enjoyed reading btw)
Fascinating. Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Someone jokingly suggested doing a speed dating type “speed meet” next year. I’d love something like that!
LMAO oh YES, that would have been hilarious! They HAVE to do that!
I hope you do go next year. I have sort of semi promised Tom Briggs and Babberblog that I will try and attend and *ahem* keep the male end up. The main reason for this is to put names to faces and buy said faces beer / gin. The crafting seminars are not quite my thing.
I do think (and I tweeted this to a couple of people known to you last night) that the whole ‘separate the Dads off’ thing is a load of bollocks. I write / blog because I enjoy it, because I almost have to. I happen to have kids and therefore most of what I write is about them because they’re comedy gold. I’m not a farking “Daddy Blogger”.
I’m sure we’ll meet somehow, if not necessarily under the BritMums banner. And yes, I have been following the whole ‘daddy blogger debate’ with interest, mainly cos I happen to think it’s a load of balls (ahem) and there are certain folks kicking up stinks for no reason at all. So what if the dads had a separate category in the BIBs? It’s supposed to be a bit of fun. I find the whole affair rather tedious and unnecessary. ANYWAY. This’ll turn into a blog post if I let it… never fear, I’ll make sure you buy me gin one day
Great post missus but seriously on paper you should hate me…children, cake, craft, musicfest!! Maha! And what? You and the Charlie boy daddy blogger hey, hey??! At least your big pants worked.
LMAO now stop stirring, I’ll get a reputation.
See? 30 000 comments in ten minutes. Don’t know why I bother – oh yes I do – coz, actually, you do listen, but, shush,I won’t tell anybody… I agree that it was a bit intense and that there wasnt enough time to sit around and chat and meet and greet. I copped out of some sessions to do exactly that – but where was everyone else? At the sodding sessions! Was nice to meet you, especially if it’s going to be a once in a lifetime appearance
X
Oh I don’t know, maybe I’ll organise my own conference… with lots of sitting on sofas and chatting… and I’ll only invite the people I like… Lovely to meet you too, and thank you for your kind words – I did have a bit of a moment after that and had to go outside and look at pictures of Moo on my phone! What a sap. But you’re right. Absolutely. Thank you
XX
There. Right There *points at your blog*. That is why I probably won’t go… I mean I REALLY want to meet everyone, but I’m just not that sort of blogger. I blog about being a bit of dickhead, becuse I am. I make my self laugh. probably not that many others. I really don’t want to got to a workshop on how to be better at that – I’m very good at being a dickhead and some say I’m OK about writing about being one, so that’ll do me. Plus bitchy whispers? Fuck that I can just go to a playgroup.
And FOR THE LOVE OF GOD – what did you hear about Jamie Lee Curtis?
PMSL oh turns out it was an urban legend. So kinda pisses all over what I learnt. DAMMIT.
I disagree! But only about the men in pants. I thought they were lovely lads.
You are SO predictable.
Didn’t go, loved the review as I generally hate those type of events. I want to learn the stuff, but am put off by the idea of all those people competing for attention etc. the idea sounds to me like a horrendous exageration of mums in the playground comparing their kids acheivements. Nice people on their own, but when in a crowd – No thanks.
Hmmm there are some people like that, thankfully I am not friends with them so I tend to manage to avoid them completely. There are whispers of bitchiness but unfortunately you’re going to get that in a room full of 500 or so women. It’s a law. Just dodge the whispers and have a laugh with mates. S’easy
Love your honesty Mo Vo. I have to say the thing I am most jealous of about the weekend is that you all met up and had a fun dinner on Friday!
Oh yeah that bit was AWESOME
(sorry!!)
Phew. On the plane I wrote notes of reflection. My first bullet point was “Some people are wonderful in real life others are up their own arses”. It’s important to be honest. I love yOur knicker analogy. I totally agree that the banter between sessions gave the whole thing the edge for me.
But without Brit Mums Live we wouldn’t have bothered our last twitterati asses to actually meet. So for this I am thankful. X
Yarp and hoopla. You are SOOOO lazy. You should def come to see me more, so I can gaze in wonder at your lustrous locks
X
To be honest the best thing about the weekend was the meeting and socialising of fellow blogger types. I enjoyed the keynotes (what I heard as I had to leave early) and hearing why others bloggers blog, and meeting new bloggers, but I agree that maybe there could have been some different session topics. Never going to satisfy everyone !
So here is my cunning plan….. next year you should go and YOU should run a session on why I love my stats and why I vent or something like that, I would pop along.
Ps. Vested interest in dad bloggers…..in general or just one in particular *ahem* (just what I observed I am not starting a rumour unless it’s true of course!)
Anyhow huzzah for seeing you again you looked very pretty and great post and get some new knickers for gawds sake! Xx
LMAO ah hello Ms JP, glad you could stop by. I would LOVE to run a session on anything they wanted me to, but I don’t reckon I’ll be asked! Oh well. And erm, about the daddy bloggers. Yes. One in particular. Yes.
Thank you for saying nice things, hope you had a happy happy b’day
xxx
I love you.
Slightky disappointed this wasn’t a post about female ejaculation.
But hey, of britmums didn’t hit your g spot, there plenty more out there to try
Xxx
LMAO I have not ejaculated female-style. Nor male-style. So prob couldn’t write too much about it
Loveyoutoo XX
Oh god I thought all bloggers love baking and craft and pinterest. Not having started my blog yet, despite wanting to for months now, you have summed up why I am afraid to take the plunge. I’m no domestic sluttery type of gal. Craft? Shudder me timbers I got 17% in my art exam.
You don’t have to do domestic stuff. You could blog about, uh, sharks, or erm, volcanoes.
I’m really enjoying all these reviews on Britmums. Mines a bit pollyana but hey! Loved your honesty. And it was good to say hello to you. You are clearly a very intelligent womwn.
You’re not pollyanna. You enjoyed it! That’s fair enough. Different horses for different courses. Nice to meet you too, albeit briefly
Oh god my spelling is terrible … thank you for correcting Pollyanna … and I meant woman, not womwn – I don’t know what that it! Pants … I’m off to bed. I just reread this post BTW – its bloody good.
I meant ‘is’ not ‘it’
Ooohhh I wasn’t correcting you, missus… and don’t worry about spelling, sometimes it’s all just typos, innit… thanks for re-reading
Refreshingly honest. I like
I especially like the analogy to the knickers – chafing, sweaty and clinging to your crack ha ha!! I was disappointed I hadn’t gone….now, I am thinking perhaps I shouldn’t be.
Well, look, I’m glad I went cos I met some amazing people, and in that respect, had an amazing time. If you do go, make sure you have friends there cos I imagine it’s a lonely place if you don’t know anyone. And peruse the agenda carefully. Make sure you get something out of it. You’re paying good money, after all.
I enjoyed this review enormously!
*curtsies* Just my view, innit. Lots of positive ones to read out there.
Yeah.
Good.
I know the thing about Jamie Lee Curtis too
Damn I put Leigh instead of Lee. DAMN I HATE MAKING MISTAKES.
I’d have been sat there with you at a “huzzah for stats” workshop.
Yeah, or a ‘Wahoo Look At My Page Views, I’m A Reet Proper Blogger, Innit Though’ workshop.
It’s never going to be everyones cup of tea is it. And cannot possibly match up to the hormonal hype we all gave it. But It was lovely to meet you x
I know. Totally! And I reckon it catered to the majority. Which is GREAT. I got to meet you, and you were on my list, so I’m happy
x
You do make me laugh! Your vociferously, colourfully, sassily expressed views which I always enjoy reading, also made me nervous about meeting you for I am a retiring, prudish kind of matron. But, loath as I am to ruin your image, you and your dress came across so gently, unassumingly and gracefully! I love the dichotomy! Struck me when I saw the price of the tickets that there probably wasn’t much to learn from the seminars for those of us who just blog gently for pleasure and distraction, but I did love meeting so many real-life avatars at the party. Don’t you dare not come next year since you can’t drive yourself to a gin picnin in the meantime.
Sssshhhh don’t tell everyone what I’m really like. I have an image to maintain. And yes yes yes to the social side of such an event. The best reason to go. If there’s a gin picnic in the offing I’ll get to you somehow. Just needs a little planning, is all
We’re destined to be friends!
I knew you’d comment, face licker.
Well, she’s clearly my kinda gal!
Stupendously honest: I expected nothing less from you! Am considering blogging- haven’t yet decided what, why or when but it is creeping into my mind. As such, had also considered BritMums live next year, but I AM NERVOUS! HATE a room full of women. HATE naked waiters. HATE all that mwah, mwah, schmalzy stuff. Love the anonymity that Twitter and blogs allow, yet know there are certain individuals I would love to meet. Just not the Laura Ashley-clad, pot pourri-scented ones.
Ah but, yeah but, we’re not all like that. Actually lots of people were v v v nice. And I think BritMums (and other events like it) are useful for beginner bloggers as the sessions are maybe tailored towards people who are starting out. If you’re nervous about meeting people, make sure you go to some tweet-ups before a big conference so there are familiar faces there. I’m SO GLAD I had my gang of mates. They were awesome.
And I doubt there’ll be naked men next year. They didn’t go down too well (ooer)
Argh didn’t they? Go down too well? The ones near us didn’t go down at all.
How did you get yours to go down? Allbeit not too well …
That is TOO MANY double entendres
Sound advice comrade. Tweet ups it is then
Aloha!