Privacy
Recently my next door neighbours had some loud sex. Moo was napping, and I was blogging, so I could hear it. They both seemed happy, which was nice. Then, once the loud sex was finished, they made bacon sandwiches. I know this cos I smelt the bacon frying. I really hope they washed their hands before they did the cooking, but y’know, when you’re in the throes of decadent passion, maybe that’s not something you consider so much.
I also hear my other neighbour shrieking at her children. One of the children is learning to play the trumpet. The shrieking and the trumpeting is possibly connected, I dunno. I certainly feel like shrieking when that farking trumpet starts up. Learn to play something other than Twinkle Twinkle Cunting Star, FFS.
My house is uber-small. It’s like a flat, but on two levels, so it’s a house, but small, like a flat. So small. Downstairs, it’s one room wide. So – potentially – I could have bacon-sex one side and trumpet-angst the other, simultaneously. The mind boggles. Well, actually, my mind protests quite clearly, and refrains from boggling. I’ve always been vaguely claustrophobic, and alarmingly, it seems like the walls are closing in.
I feel like I have no privacy. Both neighbours have someone home during the day, so if I’m in the house, I can hear them, both sides, hoovering, or coughing, or running down the stairs (do y’have to run? Really? Down the stairs? All the time? Really? Running? Cos you might fall and BREAK YOUR STUPID NECK, fool) or cooking, or talking on the phone, or doing EVERYTHING, EVER.
And yeah, they can hear me and Moo, I’m sure. I wonder if they sit there and roll their eyes, saying ‘Oh, the baby’s crying again’ or ‘Oh, she’s crying again’ or ‘Oh, she’s singing along to A-ha again’ or ‘Oh, she’s wanking again’. Not that I wank particularly loudly. But, y’know. I bet they listen, hands cupped to the wall, and then high-five each other and revel in their smug pork-based fornication. Bah.
Within my home I fare no better. Moo can be a clingy little mare on occasion and sometimes doesn’t want me to leave the room without her. Therefore if I wish to defecate, I have to do so with a tiny companion in tow. And she doesn’t let me do it in peace. No way. She brings me offerings, from my bedroom. Hairspray, jewellery, cotton wool, shoes, tampons. It all gets laid at my feet, or in my lap, as I’m trying to squeeze one out without rupturing a pile, or prolapsing my colon, which, y’know, I’m really keen NOT to do. Quite distracting. The other day, I was ceremoniously given all these delightful gifts and more, and then swiftly divested of the loo roll, which was kind of the only thing I wanted in the world, at that precise moment.
One day – ONE DAY – I would like to shit in peace, without the contents of my make-up bag being deposited in the knickers around my ankles. One day, I would like to have a cathartic cry, hooping and wailing, without my neighbours calling social services. One day, I would also like to bring myself to a very loud orgasm without my neighbours politely applauding from three foot away, innit.
Do you know your neighbours more intimately than you’d perhaps care to? Or do you find it hard to escape from your kids and attend a call of nature on your own, for once?
And more importantly, does anyone have a nice big detached house I can live in, please?
Thank you, made me laugh. We have moved out of london away from the huggermugger neighbourhood in Saaarf Landan to the uber refined Bath – now everyone can hear me roaring at my children – Whoops!
Good use of the word ‘huggermugger’
Thanks for commenting!
My neighbours are in their 60s, I haven’t heard anything yet (thank god!), but I do wonder whether they are moaning about Z crying or waking up a bajillion times or watching Balamory for the hundredth time.
LMAO I bet my neighbours sing along to Zingzillas…
We have TWO teenagers living next door to us. I thought that was bad. But at least there are not having shmexy time (neither are their parents apparently). I do feel sorry for our neighbours though. Did you hear my washing machine when you came over?! When I win the Euromillions (note the use of when, not if) I am buying a big, detatched house in Clifton. You and Moo can live with us. Rent free too.
Huzzah! Keep buying those lottery tickets!!
Too true. I’ve heard many a private thing living in a very simular apartment once upon a time. I remember every orgasm my neighbours above had, particularly because their bedroom was right above mine (their make up sex after their fights was particularly passionate) AND who could forget the nightly curry smell which wofted in from the Indians living next door who would retire from driving cabs about 10pm and come home and cook up a curry feast. Ah… the delights of city living in Melbourne. Now I am much more boring and living in suburbia… but hey, it’s peaceful and private! I hope you get that one day too
Oh it could be a lot worse. We used to live in a bedsit in a house and there was a woman and a man – who we assumed was her dad – downstairs. Then we heard them having very noisy shmexy time. Really, really, really hope it wasn’t ACTUALLY her dad. Eeewww.
One side the neighbours are chronic alcoholics who fight, scream, shout and physically fight at all hours of the day and night – In fact last week, he was taken away in handcuffs as she was carted away in an ambulance, needless to say 12 hours later they were both back in the house and screaming at each other – they put shelves up with an electric drill at 7 in the morning and last month took up the patio with a jack hammer – by bonfire light – at 10 at night – whilst drunk!!
The other side he just a bit odd and does his laundry late at night with a washing machine that has no bearings!
Still only 2 months til we move – and thats all I keep saying to myself, otherwise someone would be visiting me in Holloway!
You can do it! 2 months! Stay Strong! etc etc
If I had a pound for every time we have shouted in exasperation “for gods sake, can I not even have a Shit in peace” well, I’d have a few quid. Parents of the world unite !
If I had a pound every time I shouted that, I’d just shout it all the time anyway
You are too funny. Gosh, I haven’t laughed so hard ages. What a reminder to keep up with the kegals! Great blog!
Thank you! And *squeeze*
Fantastic. Although I haven’t locked my loo door in over ten years… My neighbour is like 500 years old so has the TV on so fecking loud I turn the volume off on mine and listen to hers…
However on holiday in Spain the couple in a nearby villa used to have noisy sex every day at 2p.m. Also she finished first. Our daily holiday ritual incorporated plonking the kids in front of the TV at 1:55, and for once I didn’t ask them to turn it down……
LMAO at 2pm?? How farking decadent!!
I moved recently from a flat which had no immediate neighbours (it was above a shop, next to a Doctor’s surgery so no one around most of the time I was home) to a mid terrace house, which I discovered far more recently has only ONE layer of brick between houses.
My neighbour has been very helpful, lending me lawn mowers and things like that, and while showing a friend round my house, and my garden, he popped his head over the fence. We had a quick chat, talked about how nice the houses are… And he said that they’ve only got one brick between them… Didn’t click. He mentioned that he’d put sound insulation downstairs but not got round to upstairs yet (Uh oh…). My friend commented about having to keep the noise down… He said “well, I wasn’t going to say, but yes, we’ve got a screamer here…”.
Mortified. And a little bit put off knowing he’s next door listening to us.
WHY WOULD YOU SOUND PROOF DOWNSTAIRS AND NOT UPSTAIRS FIRST?! WHY?
OMFG!! Fancy saying that! What a noob!! But also, PMSL. A screamer, eh? Oh my oh my…
Yo MoVo:-) I live in a terraced house, on one side I got no-one as they’re living with her mum ‘waiting for god’ as I call it, I think they will be moving in back soon, and on the other I got a suicidal depressant..i know she is, as she politely knocked the door after taking ALL her painkilling and anti-depressant meds, then promptly collapsed in my living room (thats another story) anywhoo we can hear her dogs bark ect but I can just filter it out, or make loder noise so I can’t hear hers:-)
And just wait till Moo hits puberty, you won’t even be able to get in bathroom let alone shit!!
I’m hoping we’ll be living in a place with my own ensuite by the time Moo hits teenagerdom
Again you have made me laugh, especially with the tweet you sent about the duck! I often wonder whether the neighbours can hear us do what we do. We have a dog and he always barks at the postman, people knocking on the door, imaginary people but I never hear their dog so I wonder how much they can actually hear.
Maybe you have good soundproofing? Some modern houses are built like that. Or, maybe their dog is mute? Just a thought
i couldve written this myself! i lived in a timber framed, terraced house a few years ago so that obviously means neighbours eitherside and very thin walls. quite a small house too. we could hear them hoovereing at 2am!!! i could hear the neighbours loo roll spinning on the wall, knowing they were having toilet time the same time as me and id hear them running up and down stairs like elephants and even their conversations. we would whisper at night thinking they could hear us or were listening to us. i concieved in that house, bet they heard it! we had a downstairs loo and whilst in there i would have eldest laying at my feet playing cars and every now and then the hamster in its ball would come to bash my toes too.
now i have an upstairs loo, with a lock, and 2 baby gates to get through from downstairs, and a house with thick granite walls, i get to escape to the bathroom in peace a bit more now.
your time will come
Thick granite walls!! I dream of thick granite walls… And who hoovers at 2am?? Madness!
Poor Vents.
The whole toilet bit made me laugh.
Mahahaha glad my misery tickles you so
I live with my in laws. Upstairs from them….nuff said!
*shriek*
Ha I know!
One day you will have the loo all by yourself, and then you will wonder where all the time went.
That’s pretty deep.
Two things…….
1) On the privacy front, live with my parents. Nuff said.
2) I think you need more fibre in your diet. It would make ‘dropping off your shopping’ a lot less straining! Hahahaha!
I do need more fibre. What’s fibre in?
And, oh poor you. Been there, done that. With my own, and my in laws. NEVER AGAIN. (unlikely now anyway)
It’s not so bad, my mums a diamond and at least I’m not living with the prick. It will be nice tho to have my own place and not have to watch two flies crawling up a wall on dad’s latest discovery channel programme!
Errrr fibre is like roughage so like whole grains, the skin on fruit etc. Sadly it’s not in cake, bastards! You could try some of those laxatives. Karen carpenter liked them and well she wrote some cool songs no??! Hahahaha! Stick to the All Bran!!
LOL *eats apple skin* *boaks* *gets cake*
Twinkle twinkle counting star made me laugh out loud! I’m going to tweet you link to post I did about my neighbours in a mo x
Okey dokey
I keep telling you to come live with me! We are in a detached house and I already have a shed for the OH for when you take take me up on the offer. Get packing already ; )
*throws stuff in black bags*
I grew up in a house with paper thin walls and neighbours with loud sensual appetites. Until their marriage broke down, that is. Then they had loud senseless rows. The neighbour on the other side left her husband for a man who lived in the posh private road up the hill and whose wife had suddenly died after an electric fire fell into her bath. Which was very convenient. I found these paper thin walls very interesting. And it taught me useful science – after I’d asked my parents why they both had their ears pressed against glasses which were held against the wall.
Wow, do people really die by electric fire in the bath? I mean, how DAFT do you need to be??
Paper thin walls are bogus. My next house (castle) is having thick (like, 6ft) walls.
One side our neighbours completely ignore us, even to our faces. I find this weird now that we have a child the same age but even weirder they send a christmas card with ‘love from’ every year which I find freaky as they can even respond to ‘hello’ also they have 5 children in a 3 bed semi, I don’t know where they put them. The other side are a fucking nightmare. The mum spend all
day screaming at her dog as he doesn’t appear
to do what she asks!? And she has an adult son
who we rather cruelly nickname ‘shit for brains’
Not too his face obv, but it’s true…Laugh a minute here
Uh, yeah… where do you live again? *makes a note to avoid*
There comes a day when your offspring chastise you for NOT shutting the bathroom door.
We can hear our neighbour shouting at her daughters. We live in a semi but our house is not attached to her house.
She sounds like a nice lady. *rolls eyes*
I lived in a house just like that. Thankfully my neighbours were single and old one side and just old on t’other. and, yes, I’ve yet to poo without a small audience. It’s nice I’m worth watching.
I’m waiting for Moo to start giving me marks out of ten.
Think Anne Summers could be your perfect sponsor! LOL
LMAO oh I’m too vanilla for that…
I think my neighbours probably have a problem with me (that’s a personal (woe-is-)me). We are LOUD. I can SHOUT. Pickle ALWAYS SHOUTS. We can all SHOUT. We used to be very friendly but since Pickle arrived, I think things have staled a little. I did once sneeze (LOUDLY) and got a text from my neighbour, saying ‘Bless you’. Thought it was funny at the time, but I think now it was her succinct way of saying SHUT THE FARK UP!
PMSL that’s farking hilair!! And, erm, I’m glad I don’t live next door to you
Luckily (we get on, could be unlucky for some people), our neighbours are my in-laws. It is across the drive though so we don’t hear anything, although I did worry about the whole ‘knock or call and walk in’ aspect of living on a farm/too near family. So no dodgy overhearing noises. And our lodgers (next door) have just moved out – let’s hope the next rentee is as quiet and doesn’t have a dog this time as the last ones let theirs into the house against rules!
I don’t envy you the noisy neighbours at all.
Noisy neighbours are the WORST. But to be fair to mine, our houses are so small, they’re just being normal, it just seems loud cos of the, erm, proximity. Innit.
Haha. Hilarious! But yes I too have the neighbour problem. We have named them the Dingles as they have so much junk plus 2 caravans in the jungle that would make a beautiful garden. They row constantly. Their 12 year old daughter is a ‘filthy pig’ who regularly refuses to have a bath. The father (baldy dingle) called her that not me. And yes, last week, we were subjected to the noise of baldy dingle and badger dingle (always has massive grey roots and black hair) mating in the early evening! yuk! Put me right off my custard cream!
Oh Jeezus, they sound delightful… poor you! But also LMAO
Badger dingle appeared to vanish for a couple of months at the start of the year. coincidently, at the same time as baldy dingle was building a drive/patio in the back garden. She has now reappeared so I’ve come to my own conclusion that instead of being buried under the patio she was actually in prison.
Yes, I must get out more! Haha.
I’m going to come and watch your neighbours. Sounds like a great soap opera.
We, slightly bizarrely, moved from a detached house to a (admittedly larger) terrace. Even after five years it freaks me out when I hear the neighbours rowing. They must shag realty quietly though, as I’ve never heard that, and if she is to be believed they are permanently at it.
Mahahahahaa methinks she is lying just a teensy tiny bit…
Absolutely hilarious! Laughing with you…
I don’t have the problem with neighbours, luckily, I’m allergic to them! But the small children thing, hell yes! Interupting me wanking, I mean on the loo *sniggers*
You could invest heavily in noise cancelling headphones, or maybe just out orgasm their sexing with your own!
Lily xxx
No, I am definitely pooing when I’m on the loo – do you wank on the loo?? *mind boggles again*
I might wait till I have a man before trying to out orgasm them… two heads *ahem* are better than one
xx