Yummy
Somehow I have acquired a reputation for being reluctant to take part in memes. Not sure how, I thought it was perfectly obvious that I’m extremely easygoing and mild-mannered and totally enthusiastic about being tagged in memes. But that’s not what people think! Nevertheless, I get tagged. It’s like – mahahahaha – people are tagging me WITH THE EXPRESS PURPOSE of pissing me off. You jokers! You cheeky little tinkers! Ah, you lot crack me up. So much. FFS.
Before I unleash flying monkeys and a whole world of pain upon the nefarious minds who think up these farking memes, lemme make one thing clear: you usually end up reading memes here cos I really like the person who has tagged me and am planning to elicit some bum-gropage from them at some point soon. In this case, it’s the splendidly beauteous From Fun to Mum who has passed on the baton of meme, and I cannot refuse her. She’s too lush. I want a piece of her spicy Italian meat. And I don’t mean pepperoni.
This meme is called the Yummy Mummy Meme which just makes me itch in an angry way already. The term ‘yummy mummy’ is heinous and anus. Cake is yummy. Chocolate is yummy. Gin is uber-yummy. Mummy, however, is frazzled, covered in shit and about ten hours’ sleep away from anything resembling yummy. So fark it. Yummy farking mummy indeed.
There are some questions to answer. Let’s see how pissing yummy I am, yeah?
What is the first thing you do when you wake up?
Ignore Moo squawking in the other room. Scratch my arse. Sniff my finger. Hide under the duvet. Have a wank. Drink tea. Avoid mirrors. In no particular order.
Do you shower daily? Are you an early morning shower or an evening bath type?
I shower twice a year and usually only if there are holy men present ready to exorcise my demons as I do so. Yes of course I shower in the morning, though I have been known to make use of baby wipes and dry shampoo if I have no time to wash. Last time I got in a bath, I pushed a baby out of my vagina so I won’t be doing that again in a hurry.
Do you wear make-up daily?
No. I favour the ‘wild woman of Borneo’ look.
What’s in your make-up bag?
Twigs and buttons. A mouldering mascara. Baby wipes. Tiny, savage people.
When you are having a slummy mummy day, what do you wear?
Nothing. I go nude. Let it all hang out. This is why the guys on the building site across the road prefer my slummy mummy days.
Nails: how often do you get them done?
I’ve NEVER had a manicure. Ever. However, I tweeted a photo of my talons yesterday (see below) and folk seemed think they looked pretty good as is. So that’s something to be pleased about, I guess.
Your top tip for tired eyes?
Scoop ‘em out and pop another pair in. A spoon is handy for such a manoeuvre. And some other eyes.
Are you a Starbucks or Costa kind of girl?
Why, is one more yummy than the other? I did not know this. I drink from both. Which one is the yummy one? I can’t believe I’ll have to choose. Now I’m totally having an existential crisis.
How many children do you have/want and why?
I have one already. Ideally, I’d like thirty nine or so. That way, at least one of ‘em would end up rich and famous and therefore able to keep me in gin and diamond shoes when I’m ancient. Sadly, I have no partner to oblige me in this baby-making shizzle. So please send me your sperms. And a turkey baster.
What is your favourite place to shop for children’s clothes?
The local butchers.
Flats or heels everyday?
I can’t even think how this renders me yummy or not. Flats.
Oh my days, that’s it. I thought the questions would go on forever then, like some sort of interrogative purgatory. But it’s over. IT’S OVER. And now I’m supposed to perpetuate the agony by tagging other people. Y’all know, though, that ain’t my style.
Please, if you wish to ascertain whether you are ‘yummy’ or not, go crazy and tag yo’ good self. Otherwise, take one last lingering look at the giant picture of my hand, and then imagine me scratching my arse with it. Good day!
Your talons look quite nice! I’ve never understood the difference between Starbucks and Costa either but then I’m not much of a lover of coffee. 39??? I am aiming for one more. (maybe!). The idea of 39 not sleeping through… God!!
Maybe I was exaggerating a bit. I’ll round it down to a more manageable 17.
thanks for the giggles! Lovely nails, totes jealous and Its only a very small bit disturbing to think about them scratching your bum…
LOL don’t think too hard about it…
Absolutely effing brilliant! I hate the term ‘yummy mummy’ too. I once went to the park in pj bottoms as everything else was covered in toddler food handprints and/or baby puke. Yummy mummy I am not!
Catherine x
Ps – your nails look great!
Thanks! Think ‘yummy mummy’ is outmoded now anyway. No one admits to being one… do they?? Not here, anyway
Thanks for reading and commenting, do come back soon 
x
Oh jesus I need to stop reading your blog so soon after having a baby- pelvic floor ain’t what it used to be @_@
Oh I do apologise
Gosh I love you MoVo
x
In a non lesbionic, you make me laugh so hard I nearly wee’d kinda way, obvs x
LMAO obvs
x
You’re so yummy I can practically taste you just by reading your answers. It’s a familiar taste and somewhat funky if you know what I mean.
LMAO what?? FUNKY? Like, gone-off funky? Wow. Erm. THANKS mahahahahaha
Oooh, I have a number of memes I have been tagged in, lurking at the back of my tiny mind, haunting me. Now you’ve reminded me again…..not sure if I can bring myself to do it. Have to say that this one has surpassed itself in direness!
Aye you’re not wrong. No disrespect to whoever started it, but it sucks. I had fun answering q’s in my own special way, tho
Thanks for doing it, I had a feeling that you might resent the ‘yummy mummy’ thing and come up with some goodies. And you have indeed! I never thought of the 39 kids thing as a way to assure a life in diamond shoes, damn it!
By the way, if your many readers offer you explanations on what’s more “yummy” between bath versus shower or Costa versus Starbucks, please do tell as I am mildly intrigued.
No problemo. There must be a ‘yummy’ rulebook somewhere, maybe. Though such a thought depresses me.
Note to self…. Memes. Another good reason why I should never blog.
LOL oh they’re OK. As long as you do it your way, they’re quite fun
Just letting the excuses mount up for my obvious lack of inspiration
Fair enough… in that case, a meme is a good way to write something – anything, in fact. Want me to tag you in this one??
lol!!!! pretty yummy indeed… Now… where shall we send sperm to???
(lol)
The usual address, squire
Are those talons not problematic when wanking?
No ma’am.
You have written, on the internet, a place inhabited mostly by desperate men, “send me your sperms”.
You may be the bravest person I know.
Or the stupidest.
Ah, it’s the attack of the meme. Run away, run away! hehehe
Dastardly memes
Top set of claws there, babes.
Thanks. I sharpen them myself.