Panic
But, y’know, DON’T panic, cos I’m s’posed to be taking it easy and looking after myself, innit, and I guess panicking would feel farking rubbish so I probably shouldn’t. Panic, that is.
Only, I am a bit. Y’see, I need to fill out some forms of an enquiring nature which will allow me to claim some money from the government.
It kind of goes like this: Dear Government, I’ve got no money, and no way to earn any cos I care for my baby full-time, and I can’t afford childcare AND food/rent/bills/gin at the same time, so please can you give me some money, if I ask very nicely and smile beguilingly at you? Pretty please?
And the government replies: Fill in this thousand-page form and we might give you £71 a week.
Hoo-farking-ray.
The form wants to know everything. Which is fair enough. It can know my bra size if it likes. It doesn’t need to know my bra size, but I might write it on there anyway. Might help my claim. Or I could send a photo of my extraordinary arse straight to David Cameron and somehow, that could speed everything up and ensure me a comfortable share of the Tory gold pot. It really is an extraordinary arse.
Unfortunately, the sort of thing the form wants to know is how much money I already have, and how much I have coming in. Right. So, none, then. And very little, then. Savings? Nope. Have never earned enough to save any. Pensions? Uh, no, nor that either, though my plan is to to just keel over when I’m 60 and save everyone the fuss. Other benefits? Yes, the child benefit, which is a princely sum of 43p a week, or something. So how do you live…? Well, I used to have money coming in, and now I don’t. Simple. Please just HELP me, O benevolent government of ours! I throw myself upon your mercy! I prostrate myself at your righteous feet! I – oh, I haven’t got a hope in hell, have I?
Anyway, instead of panicking, as my subconscious is no doubt doing quietly within my head-space right now, I’ve come up with some ideas which will no doubt come to fruition and save my arse, and ensure Moo doesn’t exist solely on dust.
Idea number one: we start to eat dust. And build a house of dust, which we can live in. Dust is cheap and ubiquitous.
Idea number two: the government helps me find a rich, definitely close-to-death old man that I can marry, who will sign everything over to me, and then just die. There must be loads in hospitals. It’ll free up beds, and enforce this whole ‘Family is Great!’ thing they’ve got going on right now. Sorted.
Idea number three: on Twitter, I have 2,093 followers. Every follower gives me a pound. One pound. That means I get *counts on fingers* 2,093 pounds. That’s more than enough for next month’s rent, and bills, and food, with some left over to buy some yoghurt raisins for the unicorn, and pay for my train fare to BritMums Live. Woop! And if I’m covered for next month, it gives me time to build my house of dust, right? There was this woman in America who did something similar YEARS ago, only she asked EVERYONE IN THE WORLD for a dollar so she could pay off her credit card debt cos she splurged on fancy shoes or something. I read a book about it. She was a farking genius. Sure, she got loads of abuse and questioned her self-worth, but it bloody worked. She totally paid off her credit cards using the money people gave her. Farking GENIUS.
Erm, that’s it. I’m out of ideas. I’m well aware I probably have other options but my panicked perfectly calm brain is wheeling at a hundred miles an hour. I need an income. I need affordable childcare for Moo. I need, most urgently, rent for next month. Oh and I need a farking haircut. Bastard non-self-regulating hair.
Money troubles aren’t new. Y’all are used to them. So short of eating dust, what thrifty miftiness can you offer me? I’m not a huge spender but I probably need to adapt my ways. Is saving your toenails to sprinkle on toast for a crunchy topping OK? No? Damn.
There are actual real websites that let you beg for quids you know .. thus saving the humilation of begging (or worse) on a street corner. You could Vlog yourself shaving and put it on pay-per-view?
Shaving? Shaving WHAT??
I dunno, anything hairy.
grow your own veg? No, seriously, even if you don’t have a garden.
Where? I have a yard.
Make biscuits out of play dough, a fun activity for Moo and a snack. Plus they will taste so bloody awful that you won’t eat them, so you will never run out. What could be more thrifty than this. This and other ideas like it is how I live in a palace and spend my days bathing in gold.
Moo likes play-dough. She likes eating it. I guess that could be fun for her?
Are you registered as self employed for at least 16 hours a week as a writer? If not, do it. That would mean you get working tax credit which, on top of your child tax credit will give you well over £100 a week. Not the lottery, I know, but every little helps etc etc etc. (Obvs check all this with the tax credits people tho as I am not THE EXPERT). To keep me and my tiny in food, clothes, cheap ice lollies, I have a finally balanced, er, balance of her dad’s maintenance, child benefit, child and working tax credits, the low paid 2 day a week job I have and my self employment as an artist. Forgive me if you already do the self employed/working tax credit thing and I have just taught my grandmother how to suck eggs…
No, I had no idea that was possible. I’ll look into it. I need me some cheap ice lollies, innit. Thanks love.
i sympathise, me and the fella split for a while a couple of years back and after the tears and all that shiz i realised i didnt have a bean and panicked. i too applied for everything and after i was alright for paying the bills and feeding the monsters. i had a panic this morning, i finish college in 4 weeks and then have to wait til spet for the start of my degree and i have the jobcentre on my back but i just dived in and applied for loads this morning. i will prob panic again if i actually get a reply from someone!
LOL it’s just a load of panicking, it seems! Hurrah for life
Good luck dollface, I think I need to do my diving in a bit 
it is just panic, we all have a panic and in the end things work out, my man calls me dollface too
Put Moo’s skills at swiping things from unsuspecting mums to use. I’m keeping a close eye on my purse and my cakes this afternoon! x
I’m like Fagin. Soon I’ll have a whole gang of urchins to send out onto the streets. I can sing and dance too! x
I’ll give you a quid. No, really. I will. I only have £40 of pretendy imaginary money left in my overdraft to last til payday but you can have a quid, if you like. Do you have Paypal? Reckon there’s a lot of folk would do the same while you’re filling out bloody boring forms & waiting for Cameron to get his wallet out. Coz you’re ruddy lovely innit. And have an extraordinary arse. That on its own is worth a quid.
Oh & have you thought of mystery shopping? I did it before getting pregnant with no.2. It doesn’t pay much but you can usually drag the child along with you & sometimes they’ll pay mileage if you have to travel. Never ever sign up with a co that wants any money from you (they are scammers). Try TNS Global, AmberArch, Tern Consultancy, Performance in People, International Service Check. You can sign up to more than one co & do as much or as little as you like, as & when you like.
I won’t take a penny of your imaginary overdraft money, you sweet thing. Keep it. And I’ll check out that mystery shopping thing. I reckon I could shop for a living, fo sho
I do sympathise – although diff situation after multiple redundancies in the family I’ve got quite good at scrimping! Frequent bargain shelves in supermarkets, always check prices of bigger stuff – compare, compare, compare! Never ever buy anything at full price, never buy branded foods or anything else unless it’s reduced. Collect vouchers like your life depends on it and don’t forget to use them. Be a brand and shop tart – go to whoever has the best offer. Think before you buy anything – do you really need it and sell stuff on ebay, car boots etc. Don’t be proud – go to Lidl’s – they’re fab! Oh and fill out the form even if it is a pain on the arse and you hate doing it. Good luck! x
That’s fab advice, thank you
X
Oh Movo. Sweet Movo. Sprinkling the remains of one’s toenail clippings on toast for a crunchy topping? pure genius… you could well be the next Nigella. And make a farking fortune! If that fails… I read thrifty blogs like ‘A Thrifty Mrs’ – that chick knows her thrifty shit, oh, and I frequent Car Boot sales too lately… I know it sounds lame, but seriously, there are bargains to be had. Fill in those forms, hold your head high and clamber back onto your sparkly unicorn. xxx
We did a car boot sale once, was amazed that people wanted to buy our old shit. We made over £100. Fantastic! I don’t have a car now, though. I’d have to buy a car, to do a car boot sale… oh.
I’ll check out that blog. Thanks m’lady xx
The DWP can be a nightmare. But you are entitled to income support if you’re not in work and are on your own with a small child. You should also be entitled to child tax credit and housing and council tax benefit. Have you applied for those?
I am applying for all those marvellous things, thank you.
I accidentally learned today that theres a small fortune to be made by selling Hogwarts acceptance letters on Ebay!
I won’t even pretend to know what that means.
Um. I have little that is useful to say because I am fairly crap at the pounds in the bank thing myself. I can only suggest things you’ve probably already thought of, like making sure Moos father is paying a reasonable amount for her upkeep, clearing your place out and doing a boot fare or ebaying stuff, making sure you think of all poss claims, like housing benefit and tax credits, and income support…..not sure that makes up rent payments but……
Good luck luvverly. XX
Thank you, it should all come together somehow and Moo’s daddy is helping, though he’s not exactly flush, innit. I would ebay my stuff but it’s all shite. Nobody wants my shite. Right? xxx
You’d be amazed at what ppl will buy on ebay, I found an old (in its box) stylus needle…went for 32squids!!!
whatever you got ‘going spare’ ppl will buy, esp moo’s old clothes, ppl snatch up ‘baby/child bundles’ put them all in a bag and sell as job lot but make sure when listing, that you put ‘BUYER PAYS POSTAGE’ that way your not out of pocket!
I can’t think of anything no one else has put, but chin up, and i’d pay a squid for your arse:-)
xxx
You know what? They might. Someone just paid a tenner for my loo seat. Just sayin….
You know what? They might. Someone just paid a tenner for my loo seat. Just sayin….
I made the error of checking our bank accounts tonight. That commune we’ve been talking about? It may the way to solve our problems
x x
I’m too scared to check mine. But YES. Communal living. It’s the way forward *gulp* XX
I too am going through the hell of benefit forms! Housing forms too – they are an arse! You want proof of my address? Give me an address then! :@
I hate form filling grrrr
Do a JK Rowling and do some more writing…
Train Moo to climb through cat flaps and steal dog biscuits.
She can already do that. We have dog biscuits for dinner.