Kink
I got given a book as a gift recently. This book is gaining a certain notoriety in the media as a, erm, saucy read. You may have heard of it? Fifty Shades of Grey? Y’know? Ahem.
Yet I am no stranger to saucy reads. I KNOW. Close your astonished mouths. I have a saucy book, which I bought from a charity shop years ago. It was written in the Victorian times so, ACTUALLY, that makes it LITERATURE. Literature with rampant sex, primitive-sounding diaphragms and some random incest. AHEM.
For the record, I do not find the Victorian book shmexy. I bought it for a dare, and yeah, read it (giggled the whole way through) and somehow it has stayed on my bookshelf ever since. Like a badge of honour. Like I’m saying, ‘Yeah. Look at me. Look at me and my shmexy book. Yeah, you’re right – I am a KINK’. And now, I have Fifty Shades of Grey on my bookshelf too. Like I’m an uber-kink.
I have not read the Grey book yet, which is written by E.L. James, and is the first in a trilogy, apparently. Gawd help us. The plot – and I am paraphrasing from the blurb on the back cover – is thus: female virgin-type meets experienced older man who is ‘tormented by inner demons’. Jeezus aren’t they all? And so, they embark on a passionate love affair. And have sex. Lots and lots and LOTS of sex.
Sex that kind of goes like this: ‘He flicks the crop and it hits my sweet spot with a sharp slap, and I come, gloriously, shouting my release’. Ye gods! She is fantasising about him SWIPING AT HER CLITORIS with a farking riding crop. So this demon-tormented man has kinks, and further quick page-flicking confirms this. Major kinks. Kinks that are way kinkier than my kinks. In fact, I am now revising my whole notion of what a kink is. I’ve a suspicion I have actually been rather tame with my non-kinky kink of having a dodgy erotic fiction collection of two. I have, haven’t I? MAN ALIVE, am I what proper kinks call VANILLA?
Well, fark it. Probably am vanilla. Still, a nice vanilla with bits of vanilla pods in it. And a chocolate coating. I don’t even know what that means. Anyway, I could be a kink. Only without some kinky bits. I must admit, I’m not sure I understand the whole pleasure/pain thing. If anyone tried to slap my clitoris with a riding crop I would farking kick off. I would actually end them, using giant lasers, serrated daggers and arsenic. Whilst holding a bag of frozen peas to my stinging lady zone.
Other kinks? What kinks are there? Shit, I am so vanilla, I don’t even know what other farking kinks there are. There are many shmexy things I am just going to say NO to, which, really, confirms my vanilla flavour, innit. But now I’m wondering: is this so surprising? Not everyone is a kink… are they?
Or do I need to discover my inner kink? C’mon, if you’re brave enough – confess your kinks. And maybe I’ll try them out. And then blog about it.
But if you’re holding a riding crop, step away from my clitoris.
virgins should not read that book, there maybe an increase in sales of riding crops and A&E departments overrun with sore clits!
Snap out of it!!!! *spanks your bottom with a wooden spoon*
lol
I probably really shouldn’t be commented on blogs today when I am a) not very well (raging temperature) b) feeling sorry for myself, and c) feeling like my blog is just not good enough when I’m reading such fantastic work from all you blogging pros out there. *goes off to cry in the corner*
But I just wanted to say that your posts really make me giggle; and congrats on the Mads.
Thank you. Get well soon. *sends Lemsip by flying monkey*
Thank you!
Ah I’ve read all three. Mainly because I love reading and didn’t like to not know how it ended. I enjoyed them for the light albeit kinky as feck reading that they are but it’s not particularly well written. It’s porn in the form of a novel I suppose and porn scripts aren’t well written are they.. Not that I’ve ummm ever seem any um. It’s worth a read just so when people go on about it you can have an opinion but don’t have high expectations.
Oh I really do not have high expectations. Just curious about such a hyped up book, I suppose!
So no kinkiness in the book of yours which I purchased this week hmm? Damn. Disappointed now.
LMAO noooooo it’s for KIDS you perv
The book blurb sounds like the ‘plot’ to a, um, erotic film called The Devil in Miss Jones.
Your favourite?
lol… this post was hilarious … Thank you Vanilla.
*takes a tame bow* You’re welcome
I read this book (****yawn***) and found it lame and unimaginative, as did my 21 year old daughter. My 12 year old could have written it better and please don’t call it erotica when the poor author is incapable of referring to her nether regions as anything other than ‘there’…….
I did wonder if my complete lack of excitement at this book says something about my level of ‘kink’ as you put it. I did write a post about the book myself…My younger sister (younger by 2 years) told me that at our age you have to get your excitement from somewhere – I told her that thankfully I was still getting mine from my husband, and lots of it at that – and as I am unimpressed by this book, I am obviously getting more ‘kink’ than I thought – Wow, thats pretty rad considering I am going to be 45 in 10 days time – Go me!
Woohoo! So you wouldn’t recommend it then? I must admit I’m not exactly blown away by the premise. There must be BETTER erotic fiction novels out there. Any thoughts?
I refuse to unveil – I mean discuss – my scarlet jewel in public (ahem). Doesn’t kinda fit in with my whole blog persona, ya know. *creates pseudonym and quickly starts new blog.
Spoilsport.
I always wanted a ‘thing’ too and thought I was very boring for not having one and just liking, like, bits and stuff. Well, I’ve got an actual ‘thing’ obviously, but it has little interest in leather or nappies or schoolgirl outfits or gimp masks or carparks. There does seem to be a lot of solidarity in having a kink, which I think is quite appealing – or at least there is on Channel 5 documentaries where everyone is called Derek and Cheryl and they look like my neighbour and have ill-advised moustaches and Vauxhall Astras. Nothing wrong with any of that, I have a peugeot, but with that backdrop of mundane normality it makes it look like an equivalent of being a steam enthusiast, except with your willy out, which would be very dangerous for steam enthusiasts. I think the reality of having a kink might be less exotic than us vanilla people imagine it should be.
A steam enthusiast? An enthusiast of steam? Who gets enthusiastic about steam?? Man alive, I am so sheltered.
I’ve heard of this book,let me know if it’s worth a read.I haven’t come across a good sexytime book in aaaaaaages, actually ever I reckon! Gah, does that make me vanilla?!
Nowt wrong with vanilla. It’s the best flavour ice cream.
So near riding crops on your clit then but there is oh so many other aspects of kink than that.
I am a submissive women who lives a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship and yes for me some of my kin involves pain/pleasure aspects but there are many many kinksters who are absolutely not into pain in any way shape or form. Just a few examples are… those who get off on wearing latex or leather, those that like to be tied up, those that like to have their orgasms controlled by someone else, those that like to have sex whilst people are watching… and seriously I am only touching on a very varied kinks here. The spectrum of different kinks is actually vast. I think it is one of the common misconceptions about BDSM is that it is all about pain but as I have already said this is vary far from the truth.
Mollyxxx
Molly – we meet again, and whilst I am not lving a 24/7 dom/sub life, I am so relieved to hear than someone other than myself is not impressed or even excited by this book. Halleluja, I was beginning to think the world had gone mad!
Lou
I understand. I think I am quite broad minded about kinks etc, I just never really applied the thought to myself before. Also not really tried anything that might be termed ‘kinky’ so how do I know? I might really enjoy wearing latex, or being whipped, or whipping someone… Yeah that sounds awesome actually
Thanks for your comment xx
I’ve got a cd by ‘The Kinks’…. That’s all I’m admitting to for now….
Ooh you saucy devil
I just googled ‘kink’…. *ahem*
And? Anything interesting?
I found http://www.kink.com ….. I would suggest it does exactly what it says on the tin!
I almost daren’t click on it. And STOP GOOGLING KINKY STUFF
You started it!….. * I bet you do click on it….. for training puposes only of course
*
*downs some more wine* Yeah yeah, in a minute *opens more wine*
Actually…. best not ;o
Oh my, this made me gigle! I love it!
I am probably what you class as kinky. I am submissive and proud of it. As are a lot of my twitter friends. There are many tweeps far far ‘kinkier’ than me. I have recently discovered I am a masochist, although still wouldn’t readily ask to be clitorally cropped, not just yet!
This book has caused somewhat of a stir in the kinky / BDSM world as it seems to be decidedly ‘vanilla’ in how it comes across to kinky folk! Also the media hype surrounding it has brought submission to the fore, labelling it ‘fantasy’ discussing it as if it is not real, or something which modern women shouldn’t be or do. God forbid anybody would want to submit to a man, or to a woman for that matter! Those submissive types shouldn’t and can’t really wish to be controlled? Can they?
I am fairly open minded, and read a LOT of rubbish smexy novels and am currently up to chapter 13 of 50 Shades of Grey. I quite like it so far (shhh don’t tell anyone) although we haven’t really delved into BDSM or kinky sex as yet! I hope she doesn’t ruin it for me, although following watching her debut on Newsnight I don’t hold out huge hope!
I hope you enjoy it, if you fancy a quick browse into kink my blog has a little to offer, my blogroll has plenty more!
Lily xxx
http://smuttymummy.wordpress.com
Thanks, I realise I have only touched the tip of the iceberg where this book is concerned. I read an interview in one magazine where the author claims she is a bit of a prude! If that was the case, I would find it hard to take anything ‘kinky’ she wrote seriously. But then, a writer can conjure worlds, so who’s to say she can’t be good at it?
I’ll let you know how I get on with it. It’s on my to read pile…
xx
You know what? I reckon, just maybe, for some people, this: ” I would actually end them, using giant lasers, serrated daggers and arsenic. Whilst holding a bag of frozen peas to my stinging lady zone.” may be a kink
But you’re vanilla, so you wouldn’t know that, right?
PMSL oh man alive, you got me.