Pill
Lemme tell you about my first period.
No, DON’T run away. There is a point to this. And actually, it’s not my very first period, it’s probably the second or third. Maybe fourth. Anyway, one of the early ones. The first one was awesome in comparison to the ones that followed. A mere dribble. A whisper of blood. ‘I’ve got my period,’ I thought proudly to myself, ‘I am going to the shops right now to buy some tampons! At last, I am becoming a WOMAN. Just like the girls do in Judy Blume books.’
In the next few months I decided I didn’t want to be a WOMAN any more. I farking CURSED Judy farking Blume. Periods were nothing like in her books. They were HELL. Hell on toast with spiky bits in. At one point, I was lying on the bathroom floor, screaming and sobbing with pain and dragging myself up to vomit in the bath. Whilst bleeding everywhere. I missed days of school each month. My own mother would look at me askance. ‘It can’t be that bad,’ she said, clearly using her own experience of giving birth five times to knock my meagre period cramps into the stratosphere. To me, looking back, that level of pain is not normal. But as a 14 year-old, it just seemed like something I had to put up with. To be a WOMAN. For fark’s sake.
Anyway, I went to the doctor and he put me on the Pill. I had to describe my periods to him. ‘Are you sexually active?’ he asked. He was probably bored. Another dramatic teenager, he most likely thought. ‘I’ve not even kissed a boy,’ I sobbed, and then added hopefully, ‘yet..’ because I didn’t want to totally write myself off, despite not having discovered eyebrow tweezers or Impulse body spray at that point, and he was quite an attractive doctor as well. But I guess a spotty teenager who has just been talking about copious amounts of menstrual blood leaking through her pyjama bottoms was not his type, cos I left with a prescription for the Pill and not a lot else.
The Pill. THE PILL. I was fourteen and ON THE PILL. Like a deviant. Like a super-slutty, uber-sex-mad whore child, who shagged everything in sight and who also had a latent sense of responsibility. I told my best friend about it in hushed tones.
‘Oh my GAWD,’ she shrieked. ‘Are you having THE SEX??’
I took on an expression of pained exasperation. ‘No, actually no,’ I sighed, ‘it’s for my periods.’
‘Why do you need it for your periods?’
‘Because they’re so, like, massively painful and really really heavy.’
‘Are they? Wow. Mine aren’t.’
Yeah WELL. Turns out I’m a medical mystery or whatever. I know there’s a proper name for heavy periods but cos not every one is like that for me, apparently I don’t have that. It’s just my cunt being a bastard.
So I was on THE PILL, on and off, through the years, and having some of The Sex, until I hit my early thirties and thought I might have to have a baby at some point. Which I did. And have done. And now… maybe I want to go back on the Pill again?
My periods, as my Twitter followers will know, are a PAIN IN THE VULVA. I am on one right now. I am sitting here, BLEEEEDING at you. There are little sanitary towel corpses in my bathroom bin. I farking hate it. Heavy, bloated, painful, aching, cramping, flooding, sticky, smelly farking periods. All those years I was on the Pill? Bliss. Mere whispers again. No pain. My skin even cleared up. And – AND – I could carry on a packet and MISS A PERIOD IF I WANTED TO. Farking GENIUS.
(I read somewhere that they – they being the man scientists in the 1960s wot invented the Pill – could’ve invented a Pill that women could take all the time and not have a period ever. They only did one for a 28 day cycle cos they thought us women would WANT to have a ‘period’. Yeah. Right. Cunts)
So – the Pill – should I? Should I blitz my body with hormonal bombs once more? When I came off it for the baby-making it took a loooong while before my cycle regulated again. And it’s not like I’ll be having The Sex any time soon. Should I just grin and bear it? All part of being a WOMAN?
Or what other period-calming devices are there?
I wonder if that doctor is still around? *buys Impulse body spray*
What ever you do don’t have the implant! I currently bleed for 3weeks! 3 whole weeks at a time! They put me on the pill as well and I didn’t bleed once! BLISS then they told me to stop taking it and see what happens!! Yep I’m still sitting here bleeding for 3weeks at a time!
Oh I can’t be doing with things IMPLANTED in me, like some weird futuristic tagging system thing. EEEEWWWWW.
Okay, I don’t want to sound like a nerd telling you you’re wrong, but recently there was something on tv about the Flemish man who invented the Pill as we know it now. It was actually forbidden by Catholicism to create something that stops fertility, but the doctor, although very religious, made it seem like something you could controll periods with. If he would have told that it was also contraceptive, he would have been stopped by the Church. So don’t be angry at him, but be glad that he created it anyway! There are still good men
.
LOL you are such a nerd. Thanks for that. It appeals to my trivia-obsessed nature.
Ace factoid! That man rocked.
I’m not adding anything constructive to this. Merely the comment that this post contains one of my favourite sentences of all time.’It’s just my cunt being a bastard.’ Sheer genius. *Backs away slowly*
*takes a bow*
If you are not going to have any more children, then something to consider is an endometrial ablation. My periods were absolute utter hell, just like yours, I had the ablation and now, my period is light and lasts anywhere from one to three days depending on the month. It has been a godsend for me.
That sounds insanely surgical. What the fark is it??
Day surgery, a ballon was inserted with a sugar coating and the lining was burned off. Yes, it hurt for 24hrs but it is well worth having done if your periods are from hell.
Can I add my voice to the Mirena praise? I am one of those very fortunate people who had minimal pain and pmt but I really feel for you. Or try the menopause, that works too…
LOL maybe not just quite yet…
Mefenamic acid (from the gp) might help……. Or a hysterectomy …….
*stupid hormones
sanitary towel corpses lmao. i was on the pill at 14 too but thats cos if stuid hormones making me want THE SEX with THE MAN OF MY DREAMS or so i thought. anyway the less said about that the better.
fucking mother nature. im not on the rag/the blob/time of the month but my womb has hurt ALL WEEK!!!!! im not pregnant, no cos i have to do THE SEX for that. grrrr
you could try a coil, thats stops periods. i cant have one, my womb is too small apparently. my womb seems to throw a tantrum at anything :-s
Your womb is too small?? WTF? I’ve NEVER heard of that before! Crikey mate. It farking sucks being a WOMAN sometimes…
oh yes and boy did i feel the pain as the doc tried to insert the bloody contraption. however i know people who swear by it so each to their own
I forgot to mention, my doctor recommended that I take ibuprofen for really heavy periods. 600mg (3 tablets) every 8 hours – as soon as your period starts and then for a few days. So I take it first thing in the morning, then just after lunch, and again just before bed. It pretty much reduced my flow by a half. It’s a miracle. And my periods are shorter too! If you haven’t tried this it’s worth a shot to make your periods a little more bearable. Good luck!
Oh reeeaaallly? That’s interesting… yeah I might try that, thanks
Go back on the Pill!!!!!! Do it!!!! I too suffer with the periods that could only be delivered from hell. Long never-ending, painful flooding (sorry) and never every 28 days (I don’t get the joy of waiting that long)!!!! I came of the pill to get pg, which I did, I then thought – I want to be all natural and at one with my body – that lasted 6 months before I ran to the Dr asking for the pill again. I’ve now come of it again (but only cause I’m trying to get pg again). And my first pill free period is, although not *too* bad, it was still bad enough.
I’d definitely go back on the pill…..
Yeah I should. I really should.
Have you looked into the implant? I had that and no periods for 3 years – boom!! My body went back to normal really quickly too!
But *eeewwwww* it’s something UNDER YOUR SKIN. Can you FEEL it??
Only if you go prodding for it… Been a godsend for me, super light period every 8 weeks or so, don’t have to remember about the bastarding thing, and when he thinks I’m sleeping the OH can go poking about for it to check its still there and I’m not going to slyly secumb to my biological clock.
Eeeeewwww he POKES it?? Eeeewwwwwww
Go and see your GP, there are all sorts of things they can do nowadays. You shouldn’t be suffering like this!
I KNOW. I will book an appointment ASAP.
“Whooooaaahhhh bodyform. Bodyform for yoooooooouuuu!”
That was… insightful…
Mirena, I’m on my 2nd one, haven’t had a visit from Flo in 7 years
*sobs* sounds MIRACULOUS
The pill slightly increases your risk of breast and cervical cancer, but decreases the risk of ovarian cancer, womb cancer, bowel cancer and feeling like **** for a quarter of your adult life – take the drugs!
LOL you put it so well
Have you thought about the mirena coil? My sister in law has had it in for a year and she hasn’t had a single problem with it. It last for five years and is great if you have mega periods. Also have you had it checked out? Cuz I know someone who had awful periods and it turned out she had pollips. Just a suggestion…
I know I should have it checked out but to be honest, the fewer people messing around in my foof the better
I was the same, aged 14 and pill’d up by the doctor although I was a bit slutty so it helped.
Turned out I had endometreosis.
http://mumrara.blogspot.com/2010/07/endometriosis-my-story.html
It sucks manky cock. I feel your pain.
Get back on the pill or have more babies.
*thinks* *goes back on Pill*
Haha.
My experience with acupuncture/homeopathy is very good. Saves you putting unnecessary chemicals in your body (unless you want to
)
Oooohhhhh I can’t be doing with all that mumbo-jumbo, I’m afraid. I know it works for some folks… but not for me. I quite like the chemicals
I’m another one for the mumbo jumbo I’m afraid. Although only acupuncture (which isn’t really mumbo jumbo – they use it on horses too, and I don’t think horses can be swayed by the placebo effect). Anyway, if you could convince yourself temporarily that having needles stuck in you is ‘almost’ a drug, then I’d urge you to give it a shot. Has fairly close to miraculous results with me.
Fair enough. It is something I may consider. After all, it did work on my unicorn…
Definitely try the Mirena Coil, doesn’t hurt much if at all to get fitted, stays in there for 5 years. I’m almost at the end of my 5 years with my first one and I only get a period about once every 2 to 3 months which is so light I usually only need to use a panty liner or 2. It’s bloody marvellous !
OMG that sounds AMAZING. Am totally checking it out.
I’ve just had another one fitted after 7 years of going without and having been surgically neutered. Mine will last around 8 years, has all but stopped my periods and… this is amazing… I haven’t had a migraine once in the 9 weeks it’s been in. I used to have about four a month, with blindness, puking, numb hands. Gone. I am a new woman.
Hoorah! Glad to hear it
Oh LOVE. I know the Niagara Falls Period From Hell only too well. I too was a DEVIANT (on the pill at 13). My mother thought I was making it up – I used to faint and fall down the stairs onto the flagstones. In the end my school matron insisted that I see the doc.
Nowadays I have a hormone injection every 3 months. No mess, no forgetting pills, and NO BLOODY PERIODS!
*whines* but I don’t like needles…
Erm, yeah.
I cut myself shaving last week ‘cos my testicles were itchy.
Lightweight
That’s cos you have CRABS.
I loved reading your post. I was thinking of writing about contraception as well not too long ago as I am still debating what to do. I have very painful periods AND I am very sensitive to any kind of contraception – my body doesn’t like foreign stuff ! But what else to do to prevent a pregnancy…Any suggestions?
Anyways, I feel for you. Good luck !
Um. Don’t have sex, whatever you do. That is a SURE WAY to get preggo
Condoms? Doesn’t help with periods tho. Dunno m’love! Sucks to be a woman, sometimes… good luck to you too
One word Honey, Mirena. Changed my life and no periods! Get it!
I am soooooooo warming to this idea.
Brilliant! Your periods are bringing joy to the world, please continue them. I too have horrendous periods and just recently went through the whole ‘coming off the pill’ thing, which after a bit of research I was completely DREADING, because I had NO IDEA you could go into withdrawels from it?! Silly me, it is a pill full of hormones after all. And I’d been taking them for 6 years straight.
Anyways, I also did enough research on the pill to be completely freaked out about ever taking them again for various reasons… I have anaemia and B12 deficiency and this is very likely due to being on the pill for so long. I had SORE boobs for 6 years and I didn’t know why. Hurrah, I can now walk up and down stairs without shrieking in pain! And the cancer thing too, I find it particularly concerning as my mum had breast cancer and supposedly this increases your risks. When I went on the pill all those years ago I didn’t really care what I was taking and what it might be doing to my body, but now I’m a little horrified that I just willingly pumped myself with hormones unbenowst to the risks.
I actually feel quite liberated being off the darn thing. So for now, I’m going to grin and bear it!
Oh but I do love the Pill. I know there are health risks, but there are health risks with farking everything nowadays. You cross the road and take health risks. So. Dunno. I am not one for grinning and bearing it, funnily enough
good luck to you…
The pros and cons are different for everyone, you’ll know what’s right for you! I have to say I do already miss being able to know (to the hour) exactly when I’m going to have a period, and the luxury to just skip a period every now and again by taking the pack straight through… ahh, those were the days…
Oh for goodness sake. I did a whole comment and I thought I was going to be first (so exciting to be the first to comment. Or is that just me?) and then I couldn’t post it and it lost the whole thing. Buggeration.
I have awful periods so I totally feel your pain. I take transexamic acid (medicine prescribed by doctor not something you buy from bearded man down alley way) which stops you bleeding so much. Your periods then last a bit longer but it’s a small price to pay for not feeling like you’ll bleed to death. Mine were really painful before childbirth but better now. But every so often I get that going to faint, can’t move, must just crawl home and lie down and die type pain. On those days only codeine will help. You have to throw some serious painkiller at that kind of stuff.
Personally I wouldn’t go back on the pill as didn’t some medical bods find more than 8 years on the pill increases your risk of cancer? You could have a mirena coil fitted as that does the same job as the pill but with far less hormone. There’s a lot of talk about how awful it is but I had one. The fitting was mildly uncomfortable (but the doctor kept up a lovely line in inane chatter) and it was fine.
‘little sanitary towel corpses’ genius – please have more bad periods
no