Sex

Names have been changed to protect, er, me, from any irritating lawsuits or whatever. 

So good old Bagina Ford has decreed that ladies should do the sexytime with their husbands a mere 4 weeks after giving birth. Really? REALLY? My whole post-coital state of mind was a bit of a blur but I do remember thinking that NOTHING WAS EVER GOING UP MY VAGINA EVER AGAIN and anyone who attempted it would more than likely be kicked in the shins, get their spleen ripped out, and have their penis maximus lopped off and toasted over an open fire in some sort of emasculating ritual, with voodoo, and gin, and dancing unicorns, and so on.

Oh Fagina Bald. *shakes head miserably* We all know it’s GREAT PUBLICITY for your new book or whatever, but seriously? Pissing off an entire nation of women? An entire PLANET of women? For some book sales? Yes, people use your methods, and yes, people get results. Some people. A few people. Maybe. Whereas most people realise that a woman who has no children is possibly not the best advocate for any sort of parenting style whatsoever. Is it just me, or is that OBVIOUS?

And now you say we should grin and bear it when it comes to the sexytime. Well, no. If you feel up to it, sure. Go for it. Enjoy yourselves. But, generally, no. No no no. Things are, um, delicate. And by things, I mean the vaginal things. After childbirth, VAGINAL THINGS ARE DELICATE. And by delicate, I mean pant-wettingly bloody and sore. Delicate vaginal things do not need lumpen cock-thumping from a husband, who, let’s face it, if he had any balls and decency, would refrain from suggesting sex until YOU felt comfortable and ready anyway. Innit?

Sex is such a personal issue as well, Ginga Forda. Every couple is different. You cannot assume that sexytime is high up the agenda for everyone, especially with a newborn in the house, demanding time and energy like the selfish little bastards they are. And what? What’s the end result? A happy daddy? I would like to think that any daddy would actually be happy knowing that his wife or partner was healthy, comfortable, coping and not feeling pressured into grinning and bearing it four weeks after shoving a small human out of her foof.

Yes, Ford Corgina, I do really find your methods aggressive and unsympathetic, and just a little bit incendiary, which makes the cynic in me just want to shriek into the ether as we all (myself included) react instinctively even while knowing that that is exactly WHAT YOU WANT. And the worst thing? I HAD TO READ ABOUT IT ON THE DAILY MAIL WEBSITE *goes off to scrub eyes with bleach*

No doubt there will be other, more measured, and erudite responses to this latest parenting scandal. But now I’m just being nosy. How long did you wait after having a baby before attempting The Sex? And how good was it? Give yourself marks out of ten. I’M JOKING. I don’t want details. Even though some of you will no doubt happily volunteer them. Especially you.

You know me, I love a good mass debate. Let’s talk about sex. *settles back into sofa*

 

 

About these ads

58 comments

  1. Pingback: Cunt « motherventing
  2. Mrsneary1

    lol – your sex life is your own business not some daft cow who has no kids. It must also depend on how labour was for a woman. That said if hubby is hands on with new baby and helping you there’s nothing wrong with obliging with the odd hand job or bj if you don’t feel up to ‘jiggy’. A sexual favour goes a long way to secure a lie in and believe me there’s nothing I won’t do for a lie in! I am not going to say how long I waited cos it’s not very long and you will all hate me!

  3. Alt.Mother

    So true. The woman is clearly bonkers!
    Are husbands and fathers supposed to be totally passive in this, anyway? My husband was equally shattered as I was for the first 9 months of our first child’s life! Great blog, thanks for a giggle.

  4. Swiss_liss

    Think I put out 6 weeks after the birth of my Son cos I felt guilty and we were both somewhat still interested in sex. I said “Oh alright then. Just don’t go touching anything”

  5. Circus Queen

    My husband made the fair point that a man who’s seen a baby come out of there isn’t too quick to get back in the sack either. Birth is traumatic for men too.

  6. vicric

    I told my husband you could die if you have sex before 6 weeks were up, he waited till 8 to broach the subject. He didn’t get anywhere until I was ready to drink wine again too :)

  7. Pieandbear

    Absolutely bloody brilliant post, laughed out loud and you are SPOT ON with everything you’ve said. Now I feel the need to visit the daily mail site though, damn you …

  8. ES

    I didn’t know this until I was in my last year of university, but I was was born in July and then my mother was pregnant within a month. She had a miscarriage two days before Christmas when she fell putting some decorations on the tree (my oldest sister remembers this incident vaguely although it wasn’t spoken).

    Another example is the paternal grandmother of Pres. Obama. Pres. Obama’s paternal grandparents were both members of the Luo tribe and Luos are usually named after the circumstances of their birth. The name “Obama” itself comes from his great-grandfather and means “crooked limb” in the Luo language meaning a baby born nerve damage (think Kaiser Wilhelm II). Anyhow Barack Obama’s grandmother’s name was Akumu and Akumu means “mysterious birth” or a conception after a birth, but before resumption of menses. And within the Luo culture, these types of births so quickly after the birth of an older sibling were considered punishment.
    http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix%3ALuo_surnames

  9. EmmaK

    How long after having baby? fuck knows. I think a few months because husband badgered me and I didnt’ feel anything because it was a bit like parking a Ford Corgina in a cave – plenty of room for maneuver and making a 3 point turn.

  10. Kate (@ShrewUntamed)

    Hilarious, brilliant and very, very true. After No1 I was required BY THE DOCTOR to wait for 18 months. Until then I was basically weeing out of a shower head. The Dr was understandably a little concerned that my disgusting, infected wound of a vagina might prolapse the hell out of here if any more shit was shoved up it.

    When we finally did get around to doing it again, I sobbed at the pain and thought my sex life was basically over. So did he. Of course he did the clever thing and got himself a substitute, which in my warped and addled babybrain I thought was reasonable.

    Second baby came along in France. In between we had had several babies die in utero, very close to their due dates so I was especially pleased to see one come out alive. In return, the French Drs suggested I might like to thank my darling sperm donor but giving him a little of what he fancied in the hospital bed as I was in for a week. The nurse handed me my lipstick wordlessly as I was wheeled out of the delivery suite. French women must be a totally different species.

    As it turned out, the sperm donor decided to use his previous ploy of finding a 19yo substitute, and although it took me 2 years to discover this, get seriously pissed off and change the locks, it did at least keep him from plaguing me to put things in the very sore and damaged foof.

    6 years on, I can’t get enough of the stuff. Am safely dosed up on anti-baby drugs, get regular 8 hour nights of sleep and can afford a babysitter. Sadly, I have no one to oblige anymore. Still, at least there’s Coco de Mer………… ;)

  11. @eddsnotdead

    Well i’d say you got it dead right, this imaginary women should be flogged from the building, have her box packed whether she likes it or not (see what I did there) & be bared from entering the premesis ever agai…. By that I mean any book store, new parents mind or any discussion at all.
    The Pythons would ask you to weigh her and upon finding her the same weight as a duck would advocate a good burning…for she is a witch.

  12. Mary

    Its worrying that so many people still feel that they need to ‘put out’ or ‘keep him happy’. It’s even more worrying that someone let her print this shit. Her publisher must a man or like her a childless woman. There are women in this world who will believe her and husbands who will exploit them all the time crap llke this is allowed to happen

    And I’m sorry but if your marriage can’t survive without sex, then you don’t have a marriage anyway! There are any number of couples who for any number of reasons may have had no sex life for years, what is important is friendship, compassion and love (and that doesn’t have to mean sex!) I’m with the rest of you – I’d have cut if off if he’d come near me at 4 weeks! It was never even a topic of conversation! When it was right it just was !
    Maybe we should put her and the old witches from Loose women together and float them out into the Atlantic! Target practice for the navy maybe?

  13. moxiemarketingblog

    Absolutely bloody hilarious! Love it. Ginga Forda! LOL – (as the kids would say). I had an emergency section and still didn’t let hubby near me for 4 months! Abdominal surgery, a fat saggy stomach, leaking sore boobs and a bleeding lady hole aren’t what i’d call sexy! Tell Ford Corgina to shove it up her arse! Which would probably be a better option.

  14. allotmentmummy

    edited version … just in case

    haha! The idea of something going up there after just four weeks, is about as enticing as shoving the car seat up there, and as ridiculous as the rest of her parenting techniques.
    Given that I was still bleeding like a bloody drain after four weeks, it certainly wasn’t then. And given that my kids didn’t sleep through the night until they were two (youngest still doesn’t very often) there are usually other things I would rather do in bed, like sleeping

  15. June Mummy

    Sex was the last thing on my mind after my first shot out Superman stylee resulting in me needing a tonne of stitches…4 weeks?! Pah. I think it was more like 9 months, and I didn‘t fancy it whilst pregnant either. 2nd time around was easier…only a month or two wait and I demanded hubs, er, “services“ to get the baby out when I was overdue. I really don‘t understand why this woman thinks people want to hear post-birth sex advice from someone who‘s never given birth!

  16. Helen

    Ha ha, brilliant! Can’t remember how long we waited (sorry, correction: how long I made husband wait) after our second child but I do know I can count the number of times on two hands. Err, maybe too generous – one hand. And baby just coming up for a year old. :-0

  17. Rollercoaster Mum

    Ahh the nazi nanny (as she became known in our house when I read her book and laughed like a drain at the ridiculousness of it all) strikes again – ridiculous woman – how can she possibly know. Oh and the answer is I can’t remember but it was as many months as I could possibly get away with – and it was def months not weeks!!

  18. Lewis

    My mrs had an “Easy” (If you know what I mean) time of it compared to some when having BB and we still waited a Loooong time. Cant actually remember how long, (At least 6 weeks) but I knew as a decent husband it wasnt going to happen until SHE was ready, never mind me and to be fair, after seeing the mess during labour, it wasnt somewhere is was in a rush to go..lol

    I genuinly have no idea who you are refering to but she sounds like a bit of a twit.

    • motherventing

      A well-known parenting ‘expert’ who has ‘methods’ of dealing with babies who won’t sleep etc. See other comments for her actual name. See Daily Mail site for related article (if you’re interested) :)

  19. Jenny Paulin (@JennyPaulin)

    about 4 or 5/10 when first tried again about 6 months after 1st baby was born (I felt I should but I couldn’t relax and wasn’t really ready), just started getting near an 8/10 when i fell pregnant 12 months after first born was born.
    2 nd time around nothing til 9 months and it was better cos we waited until I was READY!!
    4 weeks is ridiculous and there is no way on earth i would let anything go near my lady bits so soon not even for a million pounds. no sireee x

  20. Natalie

    How she can even comment angers me she never squeezed shit out her moo moo!!
    Seriously wondering if anything has ever gone up it?
    But if I am lucky enough to get thrush again I will be telling people I have a case of the Regina bord equally as bloody irritating.

  21. silversparkletibby

    I’m with you, shits damaged, fek right off with THAT *points at “thing”* HOWEVER, I think Emma (godchild’s mum) and her other half were back on the horizontal jogging horse within 4 weeks, but they can’t get enough of it anyway! :p

  22. Kathryn

    While four weeks sounds short, my husband and I have discussed me “taking one for the team” as soon as I’m physically able (as opposed to having the energy and inclination) post birth.

    I will require endless love and support from him but it works both ways and I think it’s a bit naive to think a relationship can thrive without sex.

    • motherventing

      Sure thing. I’d like to think that a man could also ‘take one for the team’ (so to speak) and maybe just hold out for a bit, until BOTH adults felt ready and able. No pressure. No pain. All groovy. Mais non?

    • partpot

      Perhaps you haven’t given birth yet… sounds sort of like it, no disrepect intended… but you sound a bit naive….

      However, surely you took WAY more than “one for the team” by carrying and nurturing the baby for 40 weeks, probably giving up/abstaining from various other pleasurable things, then probably breastfeeding…etc…

      Perhaps you should introduce him to his very own hand ball Team… Pa(l)m and her 5 sisters!

  23. SAHMlovingit

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

    Incidentally, Gina Ford is an anagram of Drain Fog #random

    FUCK! I just said her name. *prepares to be carried off by the crazies lawyers*

    • motherventing

      SHIT! *quickly calls lawyers* Phew! I’m safe. You, however, must now do all GF’s methods or your children will grow up to be sociopaths. That’s your punishment. ;)

  24. bottleinfrontofme

    I know its not everyone, but after kids who barely slept for two or three years consecutively, one of us hardly bothered at all (not me) and if truth be told that lack of intimacy probably harmed the relationship from a male perspective. I think the message is to not forget about your men, but it is ridiculous to suggest you accommodate that before you feel comfortable

  25. Julie

    Frigging genius. (you, obv, not crazy Mondeo).
    As for me? MONTHS before I could contemplate it without dread. Both times.

  26. Corinne

    As always you are (quite amazingly actually) the voice that talks sense.

    I cannot remember how long after each of my babies I had sex, I know it varied depending on the birth and whether the children were allowing us any space to attempt to have sex. There was never any pressure and my partner would be mortified if I just had sex to make him happy and in fact it would have the opposite affect, because strangely enough he thinks I should enjoy it too (what the hell did women burn their bras for if we’re still going to be in the realms of lay-back-and-think-of-England?).

    Having said that, we did have sex when I was in labour with my last baby as my contractions had slowed right down and we wanted to get things moving, and it worked, the baby arrived about 2 hours later. I wonder what she’d have to say about that one?

  27. Rachel

    I made my husband wait 6mths after our last child!! Must be the bitch from hell for making him wait that long…but I wasn’t ready after having a traumatic time & he understood that

  28. slightlysuburbandad

    I can’t speak for every bloke but here’s where I was at four weeks both times. I had slept for one hour a night for four weeks. I had been back at work for 2. I was more tired than I have ever been and the Mrs was even more tired than that. And as both ours were sicky babies the house hummed of vom. Not exactly romantic. Jiggy jiggy was off my radar. God knows how far off my wife’s it was.

    Still at least this confirms my long held thoughts that “that woman” is an idiot..

  29. (Just)Above Average Mum

    When she’s had her snatch stitched up after pushing out an 8 and a half pounder, she can come and talk to me about when it’s the right time to put out. But until then she needs to shut her trap with another cream bun. Stupid woman.

  30. Rachybaby (Rachellwilliams)

    Ah. I love you Mo Vo. You make me laugh, hard!

    Took me about 10 weeks to feel guilty enough to put out. It wasn’t exactly comfortable but it was about 6/10.

    I totes agree. Every couple is different, it’s not up to anyone to tell them when they should resume schmexy time. Esp. someone that’s never given birth!!!!!

    Rach x

  31. bitter, moi?

    Well the darling woman who got pregnant with no1 of my now ex-hubbys spawn obviously believed in sex after birth given the obscene time it took her to get pregnant again. Still, at least he wasn’t living with me then.

    I hope it was incredibly painful.

  32. Mum2babyinsomniac

    I think it should only be done when the woman is ready which of course is going to vary for everyone. We tried at five weeks and it hurt a lot but I wanted to do it because I had read so many horror stories about episiotomies and I needed to find out how bad the damage was. Turns out pretty bad! I went to see a gynae who said I had scar tissue and the best way to stretch it was to have sex do I did! And I have to say that the First few months of sex was amazing, like ten out of ten, I think things had moved around in there! Lol. Too much info?! Soz but I can’t help it! Anyway I have not muc idea who Bagina Ford is but from what I’ve heard her methods are awful and she doesn’t even have kids so I just don’t get how she can speak about this when she’s never done it?! Xx

  33. Alice

    Like I said to my horny husband last night, when sex happens, BABIES happen. I had a C section so only had the prospect of my guts falling out to worry about (still,8 weeks) but ever since he impregnated me again and I had the morning sickness from hell the link between sex=pregnancy is almost too much to bear.

  34. Cat

    This all smacks of the (I thought historical) idea that sex was something that women put up with as a favour to their husband. Surely we’ve moved on from that to believing sex is essentially, baby making aside, an enjoyable shared hobby in which case it stands to reason that there’s not much point if it’s going to be hugely unpleasant for one of you.

    Let us imagine that Hubs were to fall victim to some freak zipper related accident, leaving him mangled and bleeding and covered in stitches (not that I imagine such things often, honest). Would I demand that he soldiered on and serviced my womanly needs? No! I would be a reasonable human being, put the kettle on and make do with some Hawaii 50 until he was feeling better. Luckily Hubs would not have been foolish enough to even hint that he might resent a prolonged period of abstinence which I suppose is another thing I should add to my mental list of reasons not to murder him.

    On a more serious note you do here awful stories of women feeling pressure to have sex with their partners after giving birth (or in fact at any other time). I think women should feel more supported to make what ever choice is right for them and this little gem from Ms Ford is really a backwards step in that regard so boo to her.

  35. Matt

    4 weeks? Crazy azz@#$&! Most docs say no no to sexytime until at least 6 weeks. And the AT LEAST is stressed…more like months.

  36. older mum (in a muddle)

    I really dont like GF. How can anyone tell you how to parent if you havent done it yourself. Silly pants bag. I had birth trauma and the first year or so was just bloody horrid. It took us a long time. Like you I didnt want anything inside me. Still putting off the smear test.

  37. Helena

    6 weeks for an abandoned attempt because it hurt like my bits had spontaneously combusted, so 0/10. Only got back to a 10/10 after a year and it still hurts sometimes!

  38. troubles mum

    Sex after childbirth? How long? Erm….for want of not needing to give you too much information, I can tell you that in all 3 instances, it wasn’t less than FOUR FECKING WEEKS. More like months. Tired, sore, hormonal, resentful, knackered, and battered. Not the best combination, I find. Bagina Cord, or whatever her name is, can go do sexy-time with herself.

  39. Allyssarox

    WELL. After I had willow I was on the same line as you “don’t come near me don’t even breathe in my direction” low and behold I was pregnant five weeks after giving birth. I learnt my lesson after baby number 2 ten months later my legs are still crossed, well … Almost all of the time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s