Names have been changed to protect, er, me, from any irritating lawsuits or whatever.
So good old Bagina Ford has decreed that ladies should do the sexytime with their husbands a mere 4 weeks after giving birth. Really? REALLY? My whole post-coital state of mind was a bit of a blur but I do remember thinking that NOTHING WAS EVER GOING UP MY VAGINA EVER AGAIN and anyone who attempted it would more than likely be kicked in the shins, get their spleen ripped out, and have their penis maximus lopped off and toasted over an open fire in some sort of emasculating ritual, with voodoo, and gin, and dancing unicorns, and so on.
Oh Fagina Bald. *shakes head miserably* We all know it’s GREAT PUBLICITY for your new book or whatever, but seriously? Pissing off an entire nation of women? An entire PLANET of women? For some book sales? Yes, people use your methods, and yes, people get results. Some people. A few people. Maybe. Whereas most people realise that a woman who has no children is possibly not the best advocate for any sort of parenting style whatsoever. Is it just me, or is that OBVIOUS?
And now you say we should grin and bear it when it comes to the sexytime. Well, no. If you feel up to it, sure. Go for it. Enjoy yourselves. But, generally, no. No no no. Things are, um, delicate. And by things, I mean the vaginal things. After childbirth, VAGINAL THINGS ARE DELICATE. And by delicate, I mean pant-wettingly bloody and sore. Delicate vaginal things do not need lumpen cock-thumping from a husband, who, let’s face it, if he had any balls and decency, would refrain from suggesting sex until YOU felt comfortable and ready anyway. Innit?
Sex is such a personal issue as well, Ginga Forda. Every couple is different. You cannot assume that sexytime is high up the agenda for everyone, especially with a newborn in the house, demanding time and energy like the selfish little bastards they are. And what? What’s the end result? A happy daddy? I would like to think that any daddy would actually be happy knowing that his wife or partner was healthy, comfortable, coping and not feeling pressured into grinning and bearing it four weeks after shoving a small human out of her foof.
Yes, Ford Corgina, I do really find your methods aggressive and unsympathetic, and just a little bit incendiary, which makes the cynic in me just want to shriek into the ether as we all (myself included) react instinctively even while knowing that that is exactly WHAT YOU WANT. And the worst thing? I HAD TO READ ABOUT IT ON THE DAILY MAIL WEBSITE *goes off to scrub eyes with bleach*
No doubt there will be other, more measured, and erudite responses to this latest parenting scandal. But now I’m just being nosy. How long did you wait after having a baby before attempting The Sex? And how good was it? Give yourself marks out of ten. I’M JOKING. I don’t want details. Even though some of you will no doubt happily volunteer them. Especially you.
You know me, I love a good mass debate. Let’s talk about sex. *settles back into sofa*