Excellent Cooking Skillz

It’s no secret that I am an excellent parent. This has been said to me on many occasions, usually by the voices in my head, but they’re very supportive so I tend to listen to them wholeheartedly.

I have recently been inspired by another truly excellent parent and inherently-skilled crafter, the uber-magnifico SAHDandproud. He’s been posting photos of the wonderful creations he and his son have, um, created together in the last few weeks. The castle they made is a thing of pure beauty and, at the same time, exquisite terror. You can see it here if you have nerves (and bowels) of steel.

Anyway, it got me thinking about my own skills. I have several. Unicorn rearing, gin quaffing and muff taming are some. But – and you may not know this – so is COOKING.

Yes, I am an excellent cook. You have only to look at the sheer joy on Moo’s face when I present yet another delicious concoction for her delectation to know that I, indeed, have cooking skillz.

So with some latent force of magnanimity, I am SHARING my skillz with you folks. It may become a series of awesome kick-ass recipes, but, to be honest, if you do this recipe every day for your child for the rest of their lives, they will thank you for it, and stare at you with eyes shining with tears of happiness from now on. I guarantee.

Seriously. It’s easy. It’s quick. It’s nutritious. And approved by blind Belgian nuns. And what higher accolade than that of Sister Annunciata’s? I don’t know. I hear even the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES is a fan of this recipe. And I only served it to him because he begged me.

Have I bragged enough? Are you champing at the proverbial bit to see what Moo – the lucky, lucky Moo – gets to eat for lunch every day? I bet you fecking are.

Here it is, my SPECIAL COOKING TIME RECIPE, entitled, simply, ‘Crumbs of Glory’:

(colour added for verve and excitement, like what they do in Good Food magazine)(allegedly)

If you want to recreate this at home, you need the following:

• falafel crumbs
• cheese crumbs
• chipstick crumbs

And that is all. To cook, place all ingredients on high chair tray and watch as baby demolishes everything without eating a morsel. Applaud self for maximum effort with minimum fuss. Go sit on sofa and watch TV.

Finished!

So simple, so fulfilling, so excellent.

You’re welcome.

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• cooking
• falafel
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• Moo
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• recipes