Thrush
What? WHAT?? WHAT IS THIS?? HOW? And WHY?
I’ve had thrush before. Years ago. But not like THIS.
OK, OK, for the squeamish amongst you – and c’mon, man up, we’ve all adults, we can talk about this stuff, yeah? – I’ll use a nice, suitable, less manky analogy instead.
So, I have this bird. It’s a thrush. The bird, er, lives in my pants. The bird is itchy and hot. The bird is GETTING ON MY NERVES. I have no idea why it’s there. It keeps FECKING CHIRPING at me, and at most inopportune times. I can’t wear tight clothing, in case I get all sweaty and, um, juicy.
THIS IS WHY I DON’T WANT TO BE A WOMAN SOMETIMES. We have to put up with SHIT like this. As if I haven’t got enough to manage in my over-complicated, stressful, emotionally-wrangled life right now, it seems my foof has decided to FECK THINGS UP A LITTLE for me at the same time. BASTARD.
I am on the verge of marching into the chemists and ransacking their shelves for whatever drugs I can have to KILL THE BIRD. There are drugs, yeah? Drugs that will pluck this motherfucking bird and stop the BURNING ITCH?
I don’t even understand HOW I’ve got it. I assume it is thrush. And not the plague. Maybe I am dirty and skanky and I have the foof plague. Maybe I have plague and my foof will drop off in the middle of Co-op. *makes notes to wear tights at all times in case of foof-droppage*
I seem to remember yoghurt being a good thing to have. In my pants. I may have to put some yoghurt in my pants. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO HAVE YOGHURT IN MY PANTS??
I kind of just want my foof to fuck off right now. The cunt.
HELP ME. I am literally discussing my INTIMATE MATTERS online in the hope that SOMEONE will tell me how I can avoid such BIRD-RELATED FUCKED-UP-NESS AGAIN.
Oh and if you think this post is gross, and too much, and wrong – try googling ‘blue waffle’ and look at the images. Now THAT is foof plague.
*exits stage left* *scratching at minge*
Get some canesten duo
that’s good tv advertising for you that is.
Totally sympathize. It is a complete bitch that bloody bird. Canesten? (spelling?) stress and being run down can cause it to come to the surface or having been on antibiotics. Our natural bacteria go a bit nuts. Or have you been drinking copious amounts of those ‘friendly’ bacteria drinks?
Apparently the flavoured yoghurts don’t really help. So steer clear of the rhubarb one.
Now that, my dear ladies, is what you get when you blog about horrendous things like Fannuary.
God is definitely a man and he wasn’t amused. POW! Right in the kisser, as it where.
try Bio Fem active gel – you can get it in Boots – it’s bloody marvellous stuff !
*chews lip nervously, stupidly tries to be clever, wonders if M&S does bird pants*
My darling girl, thrush is the work of the devil and the only think for it is to pop a nice pessary in and you will be fixed. Also, think about washing said itchy bits with aqueous cream rather than soap as soap can upset the gentle balance of your beautiful minge.
Yeasty things or things made with yeast or actual fungus will attract said crappy bird Which is great as it involves most things that are bread based, yummy blue cheeses, mushrooms, beer, wine. Elimination of the above plus pessary/ tablet for internal and cream for external. Maybe going commando in stretchy trousers. Been there. Again and again. I feel your burning, itching, irritating, pain.
i hate it when the bird comes home to roost. they used to every month so i changed my diet, [turns out i am intolerant to yeast] use the mooncup and if they do come home when i least expect it, natural yogurt and canisten 2 in 1
hugs
Difflucan can be taken orally, it kills the bird almost immediately without having to smoother it in cream and feed your foof horrible White tablets or yoghurt.
I would say to avoid sugar & yeast as both aggravate the bloody bird, but who can actually do that? Sugar & yeast-based products comprise 99% of my diet and it’s the same for most people I know. So there’s my unrealistic advice. More realistic is the magic one-pill Diflucan/Canestan options. They are bird assassins. That way you can eat yoghurt, not smear it about. Far less messy.
I can concur that Difflucan works wonders, I took it when my bub had oral thrush and we were passing back and forth like a tennis game during breastfeeding. Also, take Acidophilus, you can get it at healthfood stores, it is the good bacteria stuff they spout on about on yoghurt / health drink things, but without all the nasty sugar that actually makes the bad bacteria grow.
Eating natural yoghurt can help too, you don’t have to “apply” it
OMG thrush today!
thank the lord you don’t illustrate each post with an appropriate photo.
What on earth will tomorrow bring – is it weird to say I will be back? Yes. Probably.
Alternatively, you could just get that unicorn you’re always on about, and use the horn as a sort of scratching device. Or get one of those back-scratching ‘hands’. They’re bliss. Especially with thrush.
Must be because of all that spaffing you’ve been doing recently.
PS canesten duo worked for me!! x
Only had it once but used Canestan ‘once’ which sorted it right out. Only wear cotton knickers for a while and no special loving for a bit so you don’t get it back (although I’d imagine this will not be giving you the horn).
I do not wish to laugh, but that was damn funny!!! However, try loose clothing, non-perfumed soap & Canesten cream!!
Mahahaha it’s OK, plenty of people have had a giggle at my misery… thanks for the tips, all useful
Oh dear. I have had the bird. Regularly. Gave it to my husband once. You should have heard him complain!!
Used to happen to me ALL the time. The yeast loves alcohol, sugar and heat. So the more suagr and alcohol you consume, the more likely you’ll get/keep it. The tighter your jeans, the hotter your bath, the more it thrives. It likes knickers without cotton gussets. It also tends to take over when people are stressed and a bit low physically. In a “get rid now” situation Caneston combi (pessary and cream) is good, there is also Diflucan which you take by mouth and works on your whole system. You can do yoghurt on a tampon if you like, but it’s not obligatory. Going around without knickers if you can at home and making sure you never wear knickers in bed will help the drugs along.
Move to North America. We do not have any thrushes here!
Lol, posts like this are why I love you! Thrush is a bastard, I get it all the time. You can buy these active friendly bacteria capsules in health food shops, they keep them in the fridge and they are pretty expensive but they prevent you getting it. The last time I had it not even the canesten got rid of it! Oh and putting a tampon soaked in natural yoghurt up your fadge helps with the itching xx
I get thrush all the freaking time.. I sympathise!! Canesten cream is what I use.. keep a tube handy!!!