Muff

So the other night in rehearsal, we were told that the following evening we’d be having headshot photos taken for the programme. ‘Right,’ thought I, ‘I will shave my legs and trim my muff tomorrow morning, then.’

Now, despite the apparent lunacy of this statement – that is to say, IN WHAT UNIVERSE DOES ONE NEED TO SHAVE LEGS AND/OR TRIM MUFF FOR A HEADSHOT PHOTO?? – it did kick-start a worm of thought within my addled brains.

Which was: do I really need to trim my muff?

Really?

I like a good hairy muff, I do.

Proper muff. One that deserves the nomenclature of… ‘muff’.

I will confess summat to youse now. I do not like baldy minges. I do not like plucked-chicken-skin pubic areas. No siree. Not on me, anyway. The idea makes me itch. And not in a good way.

What is the obsession with hairlessness? It’s porn, isn’t it? Men want women to be like porn stars, so we rip all the hair from our bodies in an attempt to replicate the pumped-up ideal of a big-boobed, shiny-skinned porno actress. Well, bah and fie to that. I like a nice neat triangle of hair down there. It keeps my bits warm.

OK, so now I’m sounding like a rampant lesbian feminist. I’m not a lesbian. Well – for certain women I would be – and I’m looking at you, dearheart *blows kiss* – but I am a feminist. I’ve read Caitlin Moran’s book How To Be A Woman and everything. She talks about muff in a much more intelligent and eloquent way, so I suggest you go seek it out and have a look-see.

My point is – apart from sharing with the world what I’ve got in my trousers – that NO ONE should have to wax/shave/torture their fun factory for ANYTHING. Hair is NOT dirty or gross. Hair, kept properly, can be aesthetically pleasing and nice to touch. Ahem.

I did think for a MOMENT that it would be fun to see how long I can grow mine. And blog about it, of course. With photos. But then, I have standards. I am a lady gardener. I keep my lady garden tidy. And before I regain any dignity I might have lost since writing this post, I do shave my armpits and legs as well. Occasionally.

Well, it’s winter, innit? Got to maintain my winter coat.

What do YOU prefer? A lush muff? Or a specky patch of knobbled skin that looks like a little girl’s foof? Not that I’m JUDGING you or nuffink *flutters lashes*

I was going to insert a picture of a muff here, but searching on Google only throws up, er, certain images. So. Use your imagination. Innit. 

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42 comments

  1. Pingback: 7 x 7 | mummypinkwelliesmummypinkwellies
  2. Tasha

    I feel I can relate to this. I recently discovered my two best friends prefer to have ‘no coat’ as i say. I think theyre bonkers. I prefer a full muff, tidied at the edges though of course, no-one likes a peek-a-boo muff! :D

  3. Meanyjar

    Well I love that you have the guts to reveal what’s in your pants! Now so will I!

    I do immac nearly the whole lot off because I like it, for me it heightens sensitivity and I love it!! It doesn’t itch me either!!

  4. Kate Sutton (@IAmWitWitWoo)

    Loving your Number 1 Fan at the top there sistah. I have a feeling I’ll be having nightmares about Wobsy some time soon. In other news, I’m a fickle girl so like to mix it up a little … live life on the edge, y’know – hair one week, trim-age the next. You know I’m thinking about what your muff looks like right now, don’t you?

  5. musodad

    Fantastic post, one of the funniest I have read. My wife has read the Caitlin Moran book, and I’m going to start it soon. She loved it and said it’s very funny (Caitlin is great to follow on Twitter). Sounds like you and my wife have similar views on ‘lady gardens’ and that view suits me just fine.

    • motherventing

      Mahahaha Caitlin is very funny, her book is awesome and I DO follow her on Twitter. Brilliant. Thanks for reading and commenting. And for giving me an insight into your wife’s muff :)

  6. Mum2BabyInsomniac

    Wow, it seems I am seriously against the majority here but I have mine waxed of – all of it! Me and my friends started doing it with Immac when we were teenagers, then it moved on to waxing and just kind of stuck….I have tried to grow it back but I hate it! I think I am just too used to not having any and it actually feels uncomfortable when I do! I don’t think it looks nice though, I just don’t look! Lol – you have got me thinking though…maybe I should grow it back! xx

  7. mrsslummymummy

    Why would any man like the ‘bald’ look? It’s icky. Not that you need to know this I had a Brazilian once and frankly it hurt and it was itchy growing in. No man is worth the up keep of my garden like that. I’m quite happy to tend to my garden, but the garden has it’s place for a reason.

  8. SAHDandproud

    Muffs rock. What is a Hairy Mary without some, you know, hair?
    Another truly excellent, informative and amusing post. I look forward to your next piece.I learn so much from you.

  9. Rachel Healy (@MrsGlitzer)

    I like to keep mine tidy. The overgrown look isn’t pleasant to my husband (not that he gets to look often but with a toddler to run after one can never anticipate when the chance will occur) but equally, no matter how I do it, the landing strip is itchy and re-growth is a killer. It is a dilemma I have often.

  10. Nikki Thomas

    I’m not sure which made me laugh the most, your post or the first comment??? It is certainly an interesting question and one I shall probably go away and consider! An entertaining read as always!

  11. owenhants

    You are bang on the money. I think a lady should have a garden. And I’m not that bothered if it’s not well tended. Re the “landing strip”: Not keen on those. I once slept with a woman who had one and I remember thinking at the time that it looked a bit odd.

  12. faysophie

    I tried going bald for a while but the regrowth was a killer, I was in a constant state of arousal ( a lot less fun than it sounds) and my hubby was not keen by it looking pre-pubescent.
    So I trim :)

  13. Michael Cargill

    The email notification for this came through whilst I was at work. I was naturally wary of looking at it at the time so I rushed home to see what it could possibly be about.

    I am disappoint.

    Erm, anyway. As long as stuff is lady-like and not overwhelming to the point of looking like a wounded rat then that is fine really.

  14. nicola_blunders

    The guy above who wants a woman’s pubis to look like a plucked chicken just made me be a bit sick into my mouth.

  15. Marci (@MarcisShadow)

    I’d like to think that I speak for most ‘regular blokes’ (ie: the ones NOT obsessed with designer labels, football, lager, penis-substitutes etc) when I say that we honestly aren’t arsed what you odd things with chest bumps do with yer lack-of-bits (as long as you bump them against us every now and again). If you’re happy with yer bits, then we’re happy with yer bits *shrug*.

    That said, if I pop down there and you think I look like I’m wearing an affro, then a trim might be nice… fits of the sniggers can sometimes be off putting.

  16. KavKilledKenny

    I’m a fan of a nice neat bush, I think it’s down to an early sexual encounter where the young lady had shaved, I later found out she’d shaved to get rid of pubic lice, ever since I’ve always looked upon the shaven glory hole with large dose of mistrust and trepidation.

  17. mishmashmum

    Gwarn girl, you tell ‘em! Being a fellow feminist, I have to, like, completely agree with you. I’ve conformed to the landing strip look in my yoof, but now I soooo can not be bothered and think why the hell should i anyway? Little trim every few weeks does the business I find! ;)

  18. deskmonkeymummy

    You know how guys did Movember? You know, where they didn’t shave their faces for November?

    My friend suggested Fannuary…for..well…and if I wasn’t already convinced that Fannuary was the best idea EVER, this post has just sealed the deal.

    So, what do you think.about vajazzling?

  19. A innocent mind (RAWR!)

    You have inspired me Motherventing -I am going to grow my curly fuzz for you. When we do meet I want to doff my kitten tiara and flash you a bit of cheeky muff.

    Also Papasaurus loathes hairy fanjitas which is a bonus as he’s being a dick at the moment.

  20. Middle-aged Matron

    Thanks for this. I’ll figure out a way of diverting all the surfers who land on my blog seeking ‘aged pussies’ to you. It’ll gratify them more than my recklessly-named post about my RSPCA rescue cats!

  21. Yellow Days

    Any man who prefers women to look like prepubescent girls will not be getting anywhere near my ‘vertical smile’. My feeeling is as long as it’s not dangling out of your pants that’s tidy enough.

  22. Jess

    My ladyness has been hidden by an every expanding stomach so I’m afraid I have no say in what it looks like! I can’t see it, reach it or do anything about it. my ever obliging other half says it looks lovely – I think he might be lying! To be fair he rarely gets to see it these days anyway poor thing :(

  23. mistress mummy

    *High five* completely bare front bottoms do look like little girls, and who wants to look at that?! A woman need a bit of hair. Not quite a thick forrest to rummage through, but a nice neat lady tree as you mentioned is definitely the way forward, or a landing strip perhaps. A festive tree, or bauble? Always the tempation to etch in there the Superman logo too ;) bare is boring. Also, if your growing it, useful if hubby doesn’t floss his teeth

  24. Julie

    Amen, sista…(said in best non-lesbo feminist tone)
    And, if I may add, I also have a particular dislike of the “landing strip” look. Like some weird sideways moustache. What is that all about?!

  25. wobsy

    My personal preference is for either the “oven ready chicken” or the Brazilian, not for any aesthetic consideration nor because I think women should look like porn stars, but because it always seems to get stuck between my teeth or in my throat. If you could guarantee not to moult, I’d have no problem with you remaining hairy.

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