Dear Auntie Venting
Despite being a parent of excellence myself I have a conundrum that I fear only you can help me with.
I have two children. My three year old hardly eats anything. That is to say he eats everything but only a very small amount of it. My 11 month old eats anything that crosses his path which unfortunately now he is mobile is quite a lot of stuff. He’s eating me out of house and home and won’t stay away from my biscuits.
The only thing I can think of is to let the little hungry one eat the skinny one as that should keep him going for a while but I fear this may be frowned upon. What should I do?
Yours in anticipation
This is a conundrum and no mistake. I knew someone who let her eldest child eat the youngest and it did not end well, I am sorry to say. Yes, they were hamsters and not human beings, but even so, the effects would be the same. Therefore, I am hesitant to recommend any sort of cannibalism, on the grounds that a) I might get into trouble, and b) it’s a bit gross.
But you clearly have a problem with the hungry child. The skinny one is fine – we like skinny children that don’t eat very much, they’re cheaper and it’s kinder to the environment – so I’m going to concentrate on sorting out your youngest.
It is a well known fact that children are PREDATORS. They like to hunt their food. I have spent many a fine afternoon in the park, being hunted by kids and fending them off with electric cattle prods. They all want a piece of my fat arse, I fear. Anyway – YOUR child won’t eat you or any of your relatives, as long as you follow these simple steps:
1. Switch his diet to raw meat. This may seem counter-intuitive, but bear with me. He should be eating raw meat EXCLUSIVELY for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And it’s also cost effective if you let him chew on the bones and gristle as well (saves chucking them away).
2. Instead of presenting the meat to him in a bowl or on a plate, tie a piece of long string around it and leave it in the middle of the floor. When he makes his move, yank the string so that the food twitches out of reach. Keep doing this until you think the child has satisfied his predatory instincts. Of course, once the child is older, you may need to actually sprint. It’s best to take the meal to a wide open space then, like a savannah.
3. Once the child has a taste for raw meat, and is prepared to chase you down for it, lock the child in a cupboard, or a cage, and occasionally throw water over them. Dangle raw meat in front of them but DON’T ACTUALLY give them any. They should be fed on the bare minimum at this stage. If you can keep them alive by feeding them the odd vitamin pill, then do it.
4. Now you have broken them psychologically, and taught them that raw meat – i.e. humans – are unattainable and not for consumption, release them from the cage and integrate them back into society. This will probably take about twenty-five years (average time taken to integrate feral children back into the real world).
5. Lastly, don’t let on to anyone that you have a feral child. You may find other people will not be quite so understanding.
I hope this helps you, Cat. If anything, remember: cannibalism is a last resort, really.
Thanks to Mistress Cat over on the fantabulous Yellow Days *mwah*