How To Be A Wife
So, followers of heartbreakage and bastard flea updates, what am I lecturing you all on now? Obviously there’s only so much I can tell you about how to be a Parent of Excellence (and really, if you’re not by now, there’s NO HOPE) so I’ve decided to hold forth and spout wisdom to youse about How To Be A Wife.
Notice the ‘A Wife’ part – not a Good Wife, or indeed an Excellent Wife – just A Wife.
Those of you who have kindly read my previous posts about Marital Strife would do well to think, ‘Hang on a ruddy sec – who is SHE to lecture US about being anything wifely? She is clearly a SHIT WIFE who cannot even keep Stuff from Happening within her marriage! I’m not going to take advice from HER! I’m going to throw rocks at her instead’.
Firstly, please do not throw rocks at me.
Secondly, I think I am EXPERTLY PLACED to lecture on how to be a wife. In recent weeks I have been sorely tested in the area of wife-being, and have come to some very astute conclusions, which, naturally, I want to share with my fellow blogonauts. And in case you are thinking you are immune from Stuff Happening, then please HEED my warning: I thought I was immune too. I thought we were solid. I thought being a Wife meant assuming everything was OK when really, secretly, and quite grubbily, it’s not.
Astute conclusion: to be a Wife you must be constantly suspicious and paranoid about everything your spouse henceforth gets up to, to the point of imagining Extra Stuff Happening just so you can be relieved when it’s patently not. I do not LIKE the Wife I have become. I do not LIKE being suspicious and paranoid. Indeed I did wonder, is this REALLY what wives are like? But now I know – yeah, it so is. Because if I was not suspicious and paranoid then that would mean I didn’t care, right? And I DO care, quite a lot. I care about More Stuff Happening and me not being able to stop it. And sure, the husband has a certain amount of responsibility in that regard, but when you think about it, it must be my fault, right? I took my eye off the ball, I was complacent – I took things for granted, and am now being punished for it. Well, no more – now I am a hideous and sneaky little Wife, doomed to forever suspect her spouse of Stuff, and by being that, surely prevent the Stuff from Happening again.
Another astute conclusion: being wifely means feeling very unattractive and dumpy for a lot of the time. To resent your flab and puddingy midriff and then to feck it all further by eating your own weight in biscuits. To wonder, on a daily – nay, by the minute – basis, why the HECK ANYONE WOULD FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE at all because if you were, IF you had a modicum of allure and beauty, then SURELY the aforementioned Stuff would not have Happened? And to not limit my rock-bottom self-esteem to pure aesthetics, I will just add feeling mean and worthless and unapproachable to that inspiring list as well. For me, being a Wife means being ALL of that. Which, frankly, sucks.
An astute conclusion on a slightly more positive note: well, that may be a lie. Positive notes are rather optimistic. Once Stuff Happens, as a Wife you are expected to carry on as normal. Sure, there are pieces to be picked up, issues to be swept under metaphorical rugs, and heads to be buried in playground sandpits. But there is also housework to do, a baby to manage, and life to live. I am lucky in that I have amazing friends (in real life and online) and a wonderful family to keep me going. However, my duties as a Wife mean that I am denied my own little dramatic collapse. Sometimes my own Stuff is going on in my head and I somehow don’t have the LUXURY of wallowing in a crisis. I would very much like to run away and do some Stuff of my own. But Wives have to just Get On With It. So I’ve been doing just that, albeit with a sick, anxious pit of vipers twisting around my stomach for most of the time that I try my damnedest to ignore.
Marriage is an idealistic institution. It’s a fairy tale. And I have been transformed into the wicked witch. Or the evil stepmother, I haven’t quite decided yet (whoever has the better wardrobe will tip the balance, I reckon). I don’t want to play this role. I want to find a side of Wifeliness that doesn’t involve suspicion, paranoia, mistrust, low self-esteem, mental instability and poison apples.
But for the time being, this is the only way I know how to be a Wife.
Is it really THAT bad?
I dont want to be a wife then!
Mahahaha it is for me at the moment; I expect for others it’s not quite so troublesome! Pls don’t let me put you off… go forth and be wifely!
Have only recently started reading your blog, but felt compelled to comment. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you wrote here, and it hit a raw nerve – so much of it could have been written by me. In my case, Stuff = screwing a cheap bitch, impregnating said bitch, deciding he wanted to move to Australia to be with her, and then expecting me to be a shoulder for him to cry on while the bitch had an abortion. There are few things I’ve done quite so humiliating as a teacher as sitting in the local clap clinic getting an HIV test…
I’ve been there on the “If only I’d been more attractive it would never have happened” – I also had the “If only we’d had children it would never have happened” thoughts. The former still keeps me awake at night. I think it’s a very natural emotion to have – so much responsibility is placed on the wife to hold the marriage together. We get all the blame if it goes wrong. I still attribute my batch of Stuff to me having a bout of depression, though he denies it.
I’m glad to read that you are getting counselling. We had months of it with Relate. For various reasons related to his family, we didn’t start it until six months after Stuff had all happened, which I don’t think was healthy. I feel I’ve internalised all this that should have been able to come out in the immediate, raw aftermath. I hope you can get something more positive out of it. There’s taking joint responsibility for communication, closeness and affection in a marriage, and there’s taking the blame for the actions of another. You and I are both guilty of the latter, no doubt aided and abetted by society in general. But trying to move on from something like this takes one hell of a long time. It’s been two years for me – other women I know via support groups say they’re still hurting five years on.
Oh this is a bit of a long one, but I guess I just want you to know that this is a normal (if utterly unhealthy) response to a lousy situation, and that you are not alone or isolated in this.
Thank you for such an honest and moving comment. I think you are very brave to write so openly about this to a virtual stranger – I know it took me a while to decide to open up on my blog, but I did it, eventually, for the reasons you outline above: so that I do not feel isolated, or alone. Blogging has been a kind of therapy for me, and while it doesn’t replace counselling it helps me sort through my feelings. It definitely means a lot to me to know that I am not alone in this, and people’s support has been invaluable.
I am so sorry you have had to suffer such a shitty time. I can’t t pretend that my situation was any worse than yours, because it wasn’t – but I do believe it might have escalated had I not discovered the Stuff Happening so soon. What still hurts me is the deception and lack of respect – having been with someone for so long, you kind of assume they wouldn’t purposefully hurt you in any way, and then when they do, it’s heart breaking. And yes, I still do blame myself. It’s natural, I guess. It’ll take a long time to come through this and I fully expect that. But I think the most important thing is that I am willing to work on our marriage and hopefully make it strong again, and so is he. We have a baby and she deserves parents who love and respect each other.
I wish you all the best for the future. Thanks for taking time to read and comment, I do appreciate each and every person who stops to talk to me!!
It didn’t feel like I was writing to a stranger though – it felt like I was writing to myself. You’ll think I’m quite odd (because I barely know you), but I got very upset and tearful on your behalf, and outraged that yet another man would ride roughshod over his marriage vows.
You’ve got the fight of your life ahead of you. Clearly your daughter is foremost in your mind, but as well as her needs, remember that you deserve a husband who loves and respects you. He’s got to show that. Your job (which isn’t as easy as it sounds) is to let him. If you figure that out, let me know.
I hope the support continues, I hope the counselling and the talking helps, and I hope to read great things on here in time.
Ah thanks again. I don’t think you’re odd. I’m touched that you were so moved. We have good days and bad days, and inbetween days – our marriage is a work in progress at the moment. So yeah, maybe the next time I write something that moves you, it’ll be happy tears! *fingers crossed*
A very honest account and very sad. I am lucky as (currently) I am happily married, but I am a product of a very wayward father who pretty much destroyed my mum, so I understand and I still have trust issues. They say we have to experience the bad to appreciate the good… So I hope you are able to appreciate the good things soon!
Thank you, so do I! I appreciate your comments, thank you for reading
Karen just read this and previous blog, sad to hear of your troubles, as a man with opinions and someone who see many people with relationship issues, I would say that what has happened is so common, many women face self esteem issues when they become wife and more so with motherhood, because they lose some independence. I think you are being a little harse on yourself, I am sure you are very attractive (having never met you) but a marriage is not really about that, it’s about being a team and pulling together. That’s a huge joint responsibility and never easy, but you have to talk and work on it daily, weekly etc. Hub needs to mend his way and be sorry (actions are louder than words) you both must put this aside as you say you have and get on with it. However brushing it under a rug, it will just fester, git to talk it out and seek counselling if required. I hope you can both do this, regards Paul
Thank you Paul, your comments are very kind and truthful. Hub and I are communicating and there is counselling involved. I have every hope for a positive outcome!
Wow you have put into words what my first marriage was like. I think it comes and goes like a fashion trend, the way you see a wife, not my first marriage. In fact my first marriage lasted longer than a fashion trend, although it really shouldn’t have.
Now that I am with husband number two, things are drastically different! Things really changed for me, as a woman, when I shed that 330 pounds of assholeishness on the court house steps years ago. This time around I have made it clear from the start, I will be me this is it take it or leave it. Oh and I did mention that due to the emotional distress and financial sucking of a divorce, I will not partake in one again. It is much easier and cost effective just to take the man out. With all parties in agreement (including his parents), husband #2 and I are a perfect match! Not saying there aren’t arguments, but not earth shattering or richter scale ranking. I have yet to have any concern of being traded in for a younger model. Quite frankly I have found that once you show a man pictures of STD’s and pictures of how his Vasectomy will be performed… it kinda takes the guess work out of where he will be checking the plumbing out later. Simply put we fit much better and have mostly the same outlook on where we are and the place we are headed. Albeit, we are towing half a football team of kids with us. Maybe that is the secret, the amount of kids we have. By the end of the day we are tired enough not to argue about trivial things that may have rubbed us the wrong way, but not too tired to look at each other as a sexual buffet
Thank you. Your comment made me smile, and that’s exactly what I need right now! Am glad you found your perfect match, may you have lasting years of happiness
Ahhh you can get it back, as long as the ‘stuff’ doesn’t keep happening and you both move on from it and put it behind you then it is possible for you to lose the suspicious mind. I don’t know what the stuff is but don’t let it make you feel like you are not attractive, stuff can do that but it isn’t done for that reason usually, normally just the other person thinking about how they feel. Anyway what I am saying probably isn’t even making sense but it’s quite fun writing about ‘stuff’ not knowing what it is….blogging is great therapy
x
Mahaha I understand you. Soz to be confusing, I just want to write in detail as it could be detrimental to other people. But anyone could work out what the Stuff is, it’s not that hard…
Thanks lovely, I appreciate all these fab comments XX
I was talking about marriage with my mum yesterday, who has been married to my dad for 36 years this December. She said that it just gets better with time. You’ve shared more, been through more together, have a strong foundation… Keep faith that you will get to that point with your husband.
Thank you. I want my marriage to succeed, which I guess is a good start. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. And congrats to your parents! Inspiring
Marriage is rough sometime & life is tougher too, we just do what we have to do to get by, I’ve just this minute bitten my husbands head for no reason!!!
You’ve bitten his head?? Yowch! I don’t think I’d go as far as BITING someone!! Mahahahha
There’s no way round it. Sometimes being a wife sucks big hairy balls. Particularly the time between deciding you can get over ‘stuff’ and actually getting over it. That is horribly hard. x
Thing is, yes ur a wife and right now that ‘sucks big balls’ but ur also a woman. I dont mean an amazing mum I mean a woman. U r a sexy woman (seen fb pictures) u r incredibly talented as a writer and warm kind hearted friend. No matter wot life or being a wife throws at u that never changes. U r Franbloodytastic and noone can take that away from you xx
Wow thanks dearheart *blushes* what would I do without you?? Love you X
Thank you, yes it is horribly hard. I knew it would be hard work and not always pleasant, it’s kind of good in a way to have an outlet for my feelings! Blogging is like therapy…
x
I dont know. This made me very sad. Hopefully ths is your down-deep-down thoughts and once you have wallowed in them (_you need to wallow in them) you can read what people have said (up there, look!) and remember all the fab stuff about you.
If you actually believe that you should be unattractive or attractive or ‘on-the-ball’ or you are responsible for your husbands actions in any way, then (with the greatest respect) you are wrong.
He is responsible. You may sympathise/understand, whatever. But it was still his decision. Would you have done it? And would you have blamed him?
xxx
That’s why it’s so complicated. We’re working through the hows and the whys. I guess I’ve always had my issues, and it’s natural (?) for me to put myself forward for the blame. It’s a long road but we’ll get there. Thank you for your comments, I appreciate any support and advice XX